Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: Killing Joke

Ok... I consider myself to be a pretty tolerant person especially in this day of the Wal-Mart-ian era, where we are surrounded by ingrates, morons, and cretins. But there is one group of people that get under my skin SO much, that I had to write this article about them. No, not spiders, not midgets, and not even clowns! These horrifying people are known by two words: DRAMA FREAKS! No, not actors, for the most part these people have at least some talent and at least try to live normal lives. But these awful beings I speak of, are at their worst during the teenage years of a young adult. Even many moons after Iíve graduated; these awful beings still haunt my memory. I wake up in the middle of the night, breaking out in cold sweats from the atrocious mental and emotional scarring these horrible people have done to me.

I could never understand these people, essentially I consider them to be nothing more than glorified hippies with a serious attention-deprivation complex. Sure, being an "actor" (for these people I use the term very loosely, because most real actors donít have to act complete idiots offstage) means that you have the unbroken concentration of an entire audience whilst playing the part to the best of your abilities. But these people will just start "acting" all loud and boastful during normal situations to make them feel super "special" in front of their friends or complete strangers. Theyíll speak loud, make over exaggerated gestures, sing songs, dance around like morons, trying to be really "deep" with their conversation and trying to speak in extremely BAD British dialects. (Iím not sure what accents British drama freaks speak in, if any of you U.K. I-Mockers know, please tell me). These people think that are being "deep," but they only ending up looking like the biggest morons on the face of the planet!!!! What makes things worse, is that because they all go to the same classes together, these idiots then also flock together outside of the classroom environment. Which makes the stupid tomfoolery that these grade-Z morons do, even more amplified because they are all doing it en masse. I mean, really, do we really need a badly acted rendition of "Monty Pythonís Holy Grail" in the middle of courtyard, because honestly to everyone else: NO ONE GIVES A DAMN!

The saddest thing is that high school theater productions are possibly the worst crap I think Iíve ever seen. It looks nothing like real theater, and it normally consists of 15 different kids all talking at once because they all want to be the "star" or they at least want to be heard. They always fail to realize the concept of having an "ensemble" cast. So itís normally ill-acted crap with everyone talking at once... sure, thatís entertainment! So is getting each of your fingers broken, one by one, or plucking out your eyeball with a rusty spoon! Well at least those last two are FREE.

Well, what can we do to end such foolish behavior? My first inclination is to start widespread killing spree to erase this problem permanently from the face of the Earth. However, I donít think that would be very feasible since how much time it would take up from my other various world conquering agendas. But I do have an idea, make all theater students (and anyone associated with them) be planted with devices in their digestive tracts (I call them "Intestinators"), so when they start to act up a remote controlled signal will be triggered and they will fall to the ground in writhing nauseous pain, hence removing any inclination to dance around like a fool or speak in those awful accents anymore!

The Intestinator
The "Intestinator" in action!

Sadly, as I write this "article" I realize that these drama freaks arenít only regulated to our schools anymore. There are these people around us every single day or our lives. Sure, they might look differently, but they still act very much the same. They are people that act up irrationally just to get the attention of other people. But they do this instead of using stupider excuses like, "oh, Iím manic-depressive" or "Iím on [add your medication of choice here]" as their feeble response to their behavior. So what should we do? Itís hard to just ignore such boorish behavior like this, so I guess we are going to have to invest in a whole lot of "Intenstinators" for everyone and let the nausea begin!

note: We owe a lot to Killing Joke, because he was the first person to beta test the "Intestinators" to make sure they worked properly. The first one malfunctioned, and... well, you can't even imagine what happened to the poor bastard's innards.

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