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Easter is a
celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Three days
prior, Jesus had been fatally crucified, a day commemorated
ironically by the Christian world as 'Good Friday'. Crucifixion
is reported to be significantly more painful than a root canal
and I would not be inclined to call any day in which I had a
root canal 'good'. Perhaps the Church is thinking ahead, as the
New Testament tells us that Jesus arose from the grave, appeared
to his disciples and ultimately ascended to Heaven, which has
always struck me as odd. I mean, why bother coming back to life
if you only stick around for a day or so? It seems like a lot of
work. In any case, it is this act that is celebrated by
Christians every year on Easter Sunday.
"Satisfied,
Thomas? Oh, and 'ouch' by the way. I hope you washed your hands.
So anyway, good to see you guys, but I seriously have to get
going."
An
anthropomorphic, bipedal Bunny possessed of a Santa Like
miraculous ability to fill children's baskets with chocolates
and 'hide' vast numbers of brightly colored 'eggs' seems far
more like a mushroom induced hallucination than anything even
remotely related to Jesus. How then did the traditions of the so
called 'Easter Bunny' become so enmeshed with the 'Greatest
Story Ever Told' which is about the Song Of God enduring hideous
sacrificial agony and returning to life so that we (and by 'we'
I mean decent Christian folk and not heathen hell bound sinners
like you) might be washed in his blood?
Curiously, the 'Easter Bunny' is 'extra biblical' a term meaning
that, like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Sasquatch, he (or
she) is not mentioned in the Bible, even in the apocrypha, which
is pretty trippy as chunks of the bible go. While there is a
Gnostic gospel, the Gospel of Dave, that does indeed mention a
large, hirsute roman with prominent buck teeth witnessing the
resurrected Jesus and 'hopping' directly to heaven, it should be
noted that I totally made that up just now.
Except for its modern association with Easter, the 'Bunny' is
not a biblical symbol in the New Testament, and appears only
once in "The Songs of Solomon" which uses rabbits as a symbol
for energetic screwing. Where then, does this tradition come
from?
THE HARE: ANCIENT SYMBOL OF ENERGETIC SCREWING
In the ancient world, the rabbit has long been a symbol of
fertility. The rabbit is known for its reproductive prowess, in
fact even today we talk of filthy poor people who have more
children than they can afford as "multiplying like rabbits."
Because it is known to reproduce often, it was seen has having
special powers in assisting humans to reproduce. The less said
about this the better, considering that if the Easter Bunny did
anything like what our ignorant, pagan ancestors forced rabbits
to do, you would never let your children take candy from it.
Pre-Christian Europe already had celebrations of spring, but
since no one had told them about Jesus returning from the dead,
they celebrated the end of winter (which for about half of them
every year was indeed death) and the 'rebirth' of grass and
flowers, which were never actually dead, and the birth of
livestock which isn't really rebirth at all. Small wonder that
when introduced to a holiday featuring somebody actually
returning from the death they immediately ditched their inferior
celebrations. Despite the eagerness with which Europeans
embraced the more sensible Christian religion, they dragged
along many of the trapping of their old incorrect ways.
One such 'drag along' was the Eastern European goddess of
fertility, (sometimes known as the goddess of energetic
screwing) 'Eostre'.
Ancient peoples
found this image erotic, one of many
reasons scholars today view them as 'fucked'.
Some scholars even
say that the modern word 'Easter' is a corruption of 'Eostre',
but all of them are going to hell, which is where most scholars
end up unless they are biblical scholars. The consort of 'Eostre'
was a 'hare', which is another name for 'bunny'. Interestingly,
'consort' is another word for 'sexual partner', one of the many
reasons that the eager embrace of Christianity by prehistoric,
bestial European pagans sometimes needed to be 'helped along' by
'setting them on fire'. Some stories also say that 'Eostre' gave
her Rabbit 'consort' the ability to lay eggs once a year, eggs
being an ancient symbol of fertility, though that hardly makes
the concept of egg laying rabbits any less unnatural and
disgusting.
ENTER THE GERMANS
The first written reference to the 'Easter Bunny' comes in the
15'Th century from, unsurprisingly, the Germans. Since
prehistory, the Germanic tribes have been particularly keen for
latching onto the upsetting and so an enormous, lustful, egg
laying rabbit was a natural fit. In the 1800's, German settlers
to Pennsylvania brought their 'Easter Bunny' or 'Oster Haws'
(literally 'egg layin' sexy Jesus Bunny) with them in the same
way that Rats inadvertently carry disease-bearing fleas wherever
they go. In the three centuries since his first mention, the
Germans feeling perhaps that the 'Oster Haws' was insufficiently
bizarre or terrifying began having colored chocolate or candy
filled eggs pop from the magical rabbit's reproductive orifice.
I am so sorry you
had to see this. Seriously, rabbits are horrible.
Asked by other
Pennsylvania's what in God's name this terrifying practice had
to do with Jesus, the German's looked sideways whistled
nervously and said "Shhhhhh." Later they would warn parents that
the Ball Bearing sized, admittedly egg shaped droppings left by
rabbits were neither chocolate nor eggs, but it was already too
late.
THE 'OSTER HAWS' ASSIMILATES
Over time the vast melting pot of America did what it does best
and squeezed the ethnicity, authenticity and life out of the 'Oster
Haws', leaving the non-threatening but still inexplicable 'Eater
Bunny' in it's place.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!
If I close my eyes it'll go away, if I close my eyes it'll go
away. Okay. Okay. All gone now and AAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!
AAAAAAGGAAGAAHHHHH!! OH, GOD, EGGS!!!!
And a good thing
too, because if you force your child to watch Mel Gibson's "Passion
of the Christ" they get upset. Far easier to tell them a
sanitized ex German magic rabbit left the candy. Honestly it
makes just about as much sense as thinking anybody who got
crucified is going to shoot the breeze with you ever again. I
mean if Jesus had died of sleep apnea, maybe. But Crucifixion?
You know what that is, right? Stick with the Bunny.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
The Story Of The Easter Bunny:
A Holiday Fable For My Daughters
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