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I have to tell you... I’m really jealous of anorexic people! For the most part they get to avoid the most annoying and time consuming task that a human being can deal with in the modern free word: Grocery shopping! I’ve tried to be anorexic, but I enjoy eating way too much to stop such a wonderful experience like snacking down on a nice hot chicken sandwich. Not to mention, the taste of vomit in my mouth has never been one of my favorite flavors. But the actual experience of getting the food, is nothing short of a goddamned nightmare! My hatred for grocery shopping goes so deep that I put off going to the grocery store for weeks. I would rather eat cockroaches off of the floor just to keep myself out of those abominable places. But, instead of just simply ranting on and on about how I don’t like the chore, I am going to personally take you on a little journey into my shopping hell.
First off, I detest dealing with crowds or people in general, so I make sure to do all my grocery shopping at the latest time possible. Nothing annoys me more than going there during the day and hearing the eardrum shattering shrieks of little children crying for something completely stupid. (Though, I am thoroughly entertained when the parent decides to take the initiative to give the snot-nosed brat a full-force ass whooping in the middle of the store: I hate kids) Not to mention, the SLOWEST people seem to show up at the earlier times and I have no desire to get stuck behind them. But late at night, hardly anyone is there and I’m free to maneuver with ease. Sadly to say, my favorite 24-hour store went out of business, so I’ve been forced to go to... Wal-Mart! <shudder> But my hatred for Wal-Mart
has been well documented in the
past, so I put my differences aside to get myself some cheap late night grub for the next few weeks.
The first place I go is to the meat bin, where I stock up some on grounded up cows! Meat has always been a staple for all of the I-Mockery staffers, it keeps our bones strong and keeps us angry and bitter! I love it when some sprout-eating vegan gives me dirty looks when he/she sees me stock up on 20 pounds of ground round. I just stare back at them with a hungry look in my eyes and reply "don’t worry, we’ll ground you up next!" Which in retrospect would be a bad idea, considering that vegans would be terrible to eat. No, not because they're human., I can get over that issue pretty quickly. But it’s because they have no meat on their bones! It would take 20 vegans to make a hamburger! Do you know how much that would cost?!?! Regardless, I must move on....
Next up, the vegetable area. Yes, I know was just ranting about the joy of munching down on some meat, but I need a little ruffage in my diet. I can’t be like Mr. Mockery who eats nothing but Philly Cheesesteaks and/or Wendy’s Classic Triples... for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I walk up to the fresh veggie’s isle only to notice that it completely smells like cat urine around there. I’m still trying to figure out what was
stinking up that place so badly... was it a pissed off (no pun intended) Wal-Mart employee who decided that dousing some broccoli with his own excrement would be a dandy way of getting back at the establishment? Or could it have been a part of
Winky the Dogmuled Haircatcher’s terrorist tactic to influence people to eat more meat? Nah... I have to remind myself that this is Wal-Mart, which is home to the most disgusting people the human race has ever seen. So I leave that area and get canned veggies instead. Which is really sad, because at this point I notice that I am a complete sucker for blatant marketing and advertising. I couldn’t decide what type of canned spinach to get... so I buy the one with a picture of Popeye on the can. Because if Popeye likes it, it has to be good?!? Right, Right?! Come on, it’s fucking POPEYE, this man HAS to know if it’s good! Anyway, I look on my list and go for the most important food on the list, SOUP!
I have this full-on obsession with eating soup, I can’t figure out for the life of me why I like it so damn much. I eat soup almost every day now... fuck sandwiches, GIVE ME SOUP! Well, I walk up there and notice that my favorite Cup `o Soup is not there... and all they have is Chicken Pesto flavor. Which I know when eaten, it will make my breath smell like complete ass, but fuck it... its soup and I crave it continually. Its not like anyone likes me anyway or chicks talk to me... so I choose to have stank breath in order to be with my beloved soup.
At this point, I head to the soft drink aisle to get another important item...
CAFFEINE! I’m pretty hooked on caffeine at this point, but I’m not as bad as I used to be. I was once at the point that I could finish off a 2-liter of any highly charged drink in about an hour. But now, I’ve worked myself down to about one 2-liter for every few days. I need the caffeine rush to keep me up at night after work to finish my I-Mockery deadlines. If I don’t, Mr. Mockery will come down and chop off one of my fingers every single time I miss my deadline. So far, I have three good fingers left... so I need to keep them! So I step over some vomit on the floor (covered with that cleaning stuff that smells almost as bad as the barf), to get me a couple bottles of Mountain Dew and move onto my next task
After a morbidly obese woman in a tube top wearing a gallon a bad perfume passes by me, I start to go into dry heaves in the middle of the Pasta aisle. It’s only then that I notice that the store is now playing the abominable "Who Let the Dogs Out," over the speaker system. Oh god, I’m truly in hell now! I know when I die I’m going to be stuck in a giant store with buck-toothed, mulleted, fish-faced, brain-dead, mongoloids around me, and this horrible song playing non-stop for the rest of eternity. I see this as a clear-cut sign to hurry my ass up and get out of this atrocious place before its too late. So I quickly snap up the bare essentials like peanut butter and shampoo; I scamper to the check-out line.
Of course, I’m in a hurry to get out of this horrible place, but I’m stuck in line behind a person that decided that buying a million baby products and wants pay with a check. But in true moron fashion, the idiot is taking a million and a half years to get the hell out of there, because the cashier is TALKING to him. So I just stand there looking annoyed and nervously tapping my foot staring at this moron grouping, while they slowly melt away some precious minutes from my life. Finally the idiot gets out of there, and the cashier tries to strike up a similar conversation with me, with stuff like, "So, did you like the Super Bowl this year?! I loved it!" Of course I didn’t agree with him, I thought it was the most boring exercise in futility that I’ve ever seen. Not to mention, I’m pretty pissed that I missed seeing OZ on HBO (the coolest show ever) to see such a pathetic game at my friend’s house. But, I refuse to fall into such a trap with this cretin, so I reply to him with short grunts and "yeah, uh-huh’s" to hurry the hell up. Finally, I pay my bill (which was
extraordinarily too much for something as simple as food, and trust me, I don’t live an extravagant life.) and run out of the store to my car with my bags. Freedom at last!
I was actually a little disappointed after my last trip, I only counted 5 mullets that night, which is drastically lower than the normal average for that store (which is normally around 20). I am waiting with baited breath for the day when we have food replicators like in Star Trek. So I would never have to make these awful excursions ever again. I can just go, "computer, make me a chicken cordon blue," and it will create it immediately. But I doubt I’ll live to see those days, so until then, I must deal the nightmare of shopping for many more years to come.
note: Killing Joke actually
owns the CD single for "Who Let The Dogs Out", which
contains various techno remixes of the hit song which he adores
so much.
note #2: -RoG- recommends
"Pasta
Roni" as the best meal that only costs a buck at
grocery stores. It beats a "cup o noodles" any day,
and comes in a variety of dandy flavors.
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