ON THIS DAY, IN:
2003: Belgium officially recognizes Same Sex Marriage, the
second country to do so. "Sadly, we have been beaten to the
recognition by the Netherlands," states Orlon Poirot, a rotund
little Belgian sporting a beret and pants hiked up to just below
his nipples. "We saw Gay Marriage, we said, 'Look! There it
is!', but those Danish bastards beat us to the punch, if indeed,
the Netherlands are peopled by Danes, which I think is the case.
It's hard to keep up, and besides, I don't care."
1969: Perhaps the most influential musical group of all time,
the Beatles make their last public performance on this day in
1969, giving an impromptu concert on the roof of their London
recording studio. Greasy, bearded, disheveled, angry, hung over
and bitter, Ringo was still in better shape than his
"'S fooked, Rah?" John Lennon Famously quipped, to which Paul
McCartney, believed by many to have been dead for months, could
only reply, "Ehn, Fook off ya Fookin' bastid fook."
Pete Best: Almost certainly still bitter.
1968: The Tet offensive begins. In coordinated attacks all
across South Vietnam, communist forces launch their largest
offensive of the Vietnam War against South Vietnamese and U.S.
troops, while in America Middle School students snigger behind
their hands during Current Events because when the teacher says
'Tet' it's almost like they are saying 'tit', which is
hilarious. I mean, think about it. A teacher saying 'tit'.
1933: With the stirring notes of the William Tell Overture and a
shout of "Hi-yo, Silver! Away!" The Lone Ranger debuts on
Detroit's WXYZ radio station. Breaking cultural ground as the
first radio show featuring an openly gay protagonist in an
interracial relationship, the program was canceled after
seventeen seconds, totally reconceived as a Western, and
re-released five minutes later. Of the original concept, only
the costumes remained, perhaps because they could not be seen
over the radio. Even today, the Lone Ranger and Tonto's
distinctive garb is well ahead of its time in terms of gayness.
Oh, and also on this day, Adolph Hitler becomes Chancellor of
1862: The first American ironclad warship, the USS Monitor is
launched. Best known for her role in the Battle of Hampton Roads
during the American Civil War, because it was just about all the
ship got to do before sinking off Cape Hatteras a month later.
"Iron is very good at deflecting shells" Secretary of the Navy Eukiphia Q. Sepis testifies during the inquest, "But it is even
better at sinking on account of it's heaviness when compared
"What were we thinking? This is just a model and it's damn
But you don't even care what I think because I'm a statue."
1835: In the first assassination attempt against a President, a
mentally ill man named Richard Lawrence attempts to assassinate
President Andrew Jackson in the United States Capitol. Both of
Lawrence's pistols misfire, and Jackson proceeds to beat his
would-be assassin with his cane. While a harrowing experience
and a narrow escape, the incident was critical in cementing
Jackson's lifelong devotion to the sport of 'Caning the Mentals'.
1826: The Menai Suspension Bridge connecting the Isle of
Anglesey to the north West coast of Wales was opened. The bridge
was not the first suspension bridge, but was so much larger than
anything previously built that it is considered the world's
first modern suspension bridge, proving unequivocally that
serious bridge enthusiasts are a bunch of size queens.
1806: The original Lower Trenton Bridge (also called the
'Trenton Makes the World Takes Bridge'), which spans the
Delaware River between Morrisville, Pennsylvania and Trenton,
New Jersey, opens. Bet when you woke up this morning you had no
idea what an education on bridges you'd be getting.
1782: "Itchy Magoo", the feral weasel boy, is displayed for
viewing at the Brooklyn college of Medicine by Dr. Yonst Sepsis
of Norway. Asked if the undernourished teenager before them had
actually been raised to the age of twelve by weasels, Dr. Sepsis
was forced to admit the boy was in fact, "Just some impoverished
male prostitute I met at the train station."
1703: The Borgarigmus Narrows Rope and Slats Bridge connecting
the towns of Measles and Meconium in Southern Maine opens to the
public. Not the longest, first or even a very good example of
the Ropes and Slats Bridge, I mention it because I'm a loopy for
bridges to the point of arousal. Don't judge me.
1649: King Charles I is beheaded for treason. Charles ascended
to the English throne in 1625 following the death of his father,
King James I. In the first year of his reign, Charles offended
his Protestant subjects by marrying Henrietta Maria, a Catholic
French princess. He later responded to political opposition to
his rule by dissolving Parliament on several occasions and in
1629 decided to rule entirely without Parliament. In 1642, the
bitter struggle between king and Parliament for supremacy led to
the outbreak of the first English civil war.
The Parliamentarians were led by Oliver Cromwell, whose
formidable Ironsides force won an important victory against the
king's Royalist forces at Marston Moor in 1644 and at Naseby in
1645. As a leader of the New Model Army in the second English
civil war, Cromwell helped repel the Royalist invasion of
Scotland, and in 1646 Charles surrendered to a Scottish army. In
1648, Charles was forced to appear before a high court
controlled by his enemies, where he was convicted of treason and
sentenced to death. Early in the next year, he was beheaded.
Apparently, when you behead someone, lots and lots of blood
comes out of the neck. More than you'd think. You'd be
surprised. You keep thinking it's over, and then another huge
gout of blood gushes out. It gets awkward.
1648: Eighty Years' War ends. The Treaty of Münster is signed,
ending the conflict between the Netherlands and Spain. As all
sides had agreed more than a year earlier, and many lives could
have been spared, but no one cared for the name, "The
Seventy-Nine Years War."
Despite only a rudimentary knowledge of three-point
perspective, the Dutch were really keen on beheading.
1311: Lots and lots of people kill each other in various
barbaric and revolting ways, but as many of them are hideously
deformed, insane, desperately moronic or some combination
thereof, and owing to the fact that pretty much the same thing
happened the day before and that no one doubts the same thing
will happen the next day, no one notices.
35: Apostles Peter and Simon get in a huge argument about
whether Jesus said it was wrong to chew Gum while he was
teaching, or if it was an abomination in the eyes of the lord to
chew gum at any time, ever. Harsh words are exchanged, leading
to a schism that would rock the early Christina Church if not
for the fact that I made the whole thing up. I mean, gum. Come
on. Seriously. Did they even have gum?
4819 B.C.E: Ulmeric Sepsis, Clan engineer of the Upper Slavic
nomadic Urits (oo-reets) topples a massive oak so it spans a
chasm over the river Leeching Stent, earning him the Honorific 'Bridgemaker'.
Bridge, bridge, bridge, I said bridge, I like bridges bridgey
bridgey bridge bridge bridge.
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