|
If you're like me, you probably spend a lot of time in the
restroom at work, sitting in the toilet stall, quietly sobbing
to yourself and writing blood-soaked messages on the tiled wall
pleading for Satan to deliver you from the inanity of your
moronic coworkers. But this brings to mind a few questions: Is
it really proper to write in blood on a bathroom wall, or would
the standard sharpie pen or clumsy knife etching be more
appropriate? Is it considered impolite to take three-hour naps
in the one-and-only toilet stall in the building, forcing your
coworkers to empty their bowels in a sink or trashcan, or worse
yet, run across the street to use Taco Bell's facilities? The
sad fact is, a lot of people don't know how to properly
behave in a public restroom. Sure, it's one thing when you're in
the privacy of your home and you can urinate in the shower or
take a shit in your roommate's clothing hamper all you like, but
when you're in public, there are certain expectations on how you
should act.
Fortunately for you, I've been carefully observing other
people's bathroom behavior for years, and I believe I've
compiled a comprehensive understanding of what is and is not
acceptable. Unfortunately for the ladies, my observations are
solely based on behavior in the men's room. I don't know what
the hell you crazy broads get up to in your bathroom, but I can
assure you I know all about the comfortable couches and the
magazines. So I figure you can just substitute everything I say
about the urinal for "fancy frou-frou bidet" or "spinning vagina
pleasure brush" or whatever it is you have in there. The rest of
it probably still applies. Much of this article centers around
the workplace, where we are forced to spend most of our time
getting to know and hate our coworkers, but this also goes for
restroom usage at shops, restaurants, and other public (I almost
wrote "pubic", hee hee!) places as well. And remember, these
aren't hard-and-fast rules so much as guidelines meant to
increase your comfort in the restroom and help you develop an
understanding of basic bathroom sociology.
The Urinal
Next to the sink, the urinal is the most common place for
uncomfortable social interaction in the restroom. Depending on
the size of the restroom, you could have anywhere from one to
twenty urinals to choose from, and choosing the right urinal is
important, because if you choose poorly you'll end up looking
totally gay. Never, ever
use a urinal next to one that someone else is using (unless all
the others are in use, and even then it's a bit iffy), because
that sends off a very clear signal to that person, and that
signal is that you would very much like to fuck them.
Sometimes people will try to make small talk while you're both
using the urinals, which can be very uncomfortable. The
important thing to remember is that some small talk is
acceptable, as long as you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT make eye
contact with them. Making eye contact while using the urinals is
yet another signal that you're quite interested in getting to
know them biblically, and that's probably not a signal
you want to send. Not looking at their junk also goes without
saying.
Another important thing to remember is to make sure you shake
"it" after using the urinal. I can't tell you the number of
times I've seen a small puddle on the floor in front of the
urinal, because people can't seem to remember the simple act of
shaking. The proper way to do this of course is to tightly
squeeze "it" between your thumb and forefinger while gyrating
your hips around in a circular motion, as if you were using a
hoola-hoop. If anyone gives you a funny look while you're doing
this, it's because they're obviously one of the assholes who
creates those puddles in the first place.
NOTE: If you happen to be totally gay, then feel free to
ignore all of this. In fact, it'd probably be fun to go out of
your way to make the other people as uncomfortable as possible.
The Stall
The toilet stall provides some comfort by affording you a degree
of anonymity that the urinal does not, but it's when you're
sitting with your pants around your ankles that you're also at
your most vulnerable. Make sure that when you hear someone else
enter the restroom, you cough, grunt, or make some other kind of
obvious noise to signal your presence. This will ensure that
you'll avoid the possibly embarrassing situation of another
person merely thinking an unoccupied stall door is jammed and
kicking your door down to see you going about your business. Of
course, if it turns out that person is only in the bathroom to
rape anybody they find in the stalls, then coughing is actually
a bad move.
Contrary to what medical "science" will tell you, you actually
can get AIDS from a toilet seat, but only if the prior
occupant hasn't gotten up and left before you sit down. Still,
"they" say that toilet seats are often cleaner than your cubical
desk, though I've still yet to see a coworker actually eat their
lunch off a toilet (while I've seen many eat at their desks).
The people who say that also have never worked with any of my
coworkers, who evidently take great delight in leaving piss,
turds, or even a dead baby smeared all over the seat. If you're
going to get "messy" while you take care of business, at least
have the courtesy to clean up after yourself. I know it can be
embarrassing when there's only one plunger available and it
happens to be in the bathroom on the other end of the building
(or even the supply closet for some unknowable reason) and you
have to make a mad dash back to the bathroom holding a plunger
up like you're practicing for some weird low-budget Olympic
event where they can only afford a plunger instead of a torch,
but your coworkers will appreciate your sacrifice, after they're
done laughing at you.
Many people can't actually poop if there are other people around
to hear them, so it's fairly commonplace to sit and wait until
the other person in the bathroom leaves. Sometimes however,
you'll encounter someone who won't leave, for whatever reason,
and god only knows what they're doing out there, just standing
and not making any noise, and they're not even anywhere near the
sink anymore and it's almost as if they're standing there
specifically waiting for you to make some kind of embarrassing
noise. Worse yet is when you have two people in the stalls who
can't go if someone else is around to hear them. This situation
turns into a contest of wills that can go on to uncomfortable
extremes, until one person finally stops caring, at which point
they'll inevitably make the loudest, most embarrassing noises
that are humanly possible. Though I have not actually heard of
this happening, it's entirely possible that people have ruptured
their bowels and/or died during one of these Mexican standoffs
(especially if actually relating to Mexican cuisine).
One situation where you will want (in fact, you are almost
obligated) to make as much noise as possible is when someone
walks into the restroom talking on their cell phone (especially
if it's one of those annoying "Borg" earpieces). No one wants to
imagine that the person on the other end of their phone is
peeing or pinching a loaf while they're conversing, so you're
pretty much honor bound to let the person on the other end know
about how inconsiderate their conversation partner is being. If
you can't make loud, obnoxious noises au natural, then fake
farting with your hand pressed to your mouth is acceptable along
with several flushes of the ol' porcelain god.
It is considered courteous to flush in the middle of your
business if it's smelly enough to trigger a Vietnam flashback
(particularly if you've never been to the 'Nam). However, the
"convenience" of many modern self-flushing toilets often makes
this impossible, or at least difficult, for in the best case
scenario you often have to contort yourself into an extremely
uncomfortable position to reach the annoyingly tiny little
manual flush button, if you can even find it.
Some people also find public restrooms to be appropriate places
to change their clothes. This can make for some very awkward
situations, particularly when they opt not to use a stall, or
when they stop and ask you for some help. If someone asks you to
do this, it's perfectly acceptable to a) spray them with
the fire extinguisher or b) spray them with your own
urine. Also, some people like to have sex in public restrooms.
This is usually (mercifully) done in the stalls. While you or I
may not understand why some people feel turned on by the idea of
making love amid other people's stink, it obviously gets some
people's engines running. The best way to respond to this is to
ignore them and simply go about your business as usual, but try
to do it as loudly as possible to completely ruin the mood.
The Sink
The sink is without a doubt the most social spot in the
restroom, where you're probably going to get roped into some
kind of awkward interaction whether you like it or not. In the
work restroom it is one of the most common places for
meaningless small talk with coworkers, although in other public
places it is still considered creepy to talk to a total stranger
here unless you're going to make a brief comment about a)
the state of the sink area itself, b) the mess you found
in one of the stalls but assuredly did not create yourself, or
c) the weather. Much like at the urinal, direct eye
contact here is frowned upon, though it is considered socially
acceptable to make brief eye contact with the other person's
reflection only.
Many people skip the hand washing stage altogether. This is not
good, as you will be labeled completely gross for doing so. Some
people wash their hands, but they'll skip the drying stage,
opting to either drip their way back to their desk, or they'll
stand in the center of the room and spastically shake their
hands as if they are covered with bugs. Many restrooms these
days have automatic paper towel dispensers, which can be
annoying when they jam up, and can also make you feel rather
stupid for waving hello to a machine. It is also important to
remember when throwing away your paper towel to actually aim in
the general vicinity of the trash can, and if you do miss,
please have the decency to pick up after yourself. All too
often, a public restroom trashcan will have a collection of wet
paper towels surrounding it, and those paper towels may as well
be banana peels, because one false step onto them could land
your ass on the floor.
One apparently popular sink activity is to leave a gigantic
puddle of water in front of the actual sink basin itself, so
that when people lean forward to wash their hands, they'll get
the front of their shirt or pants completely drenched, so they
have to walk back to their desk looking like they've totally
pissed themselves. You can avoid that embarrassment by rapidly
rubbing down your crotch with a paper towel, creating enough
friction to warm (and thus dry) your pants quickly. However, if
someone happens to walk in and catch you doing this, they'll
either think that a) you've totally just pissed yourself
or b) you're engaged in some bizarre form of
masturbation. And that can be even more embarrassing than
walking back to your desk with a wet crotch. One strategy to
avoid coworkers noticing your wet crotch as you walk back to
your desk is to cover your crotch with a strategically placed
sheet of paper (just make it look natural), or to draw attention
away from your crotch by pointing at the ceiling while looking
puzzled or surprised.
Some people will take their cup of coffee into the bathroom with
them and leave it resting on the sink (or worse yet, the top of
the urinal) while they handle their business. This is a foolish
thing to do, as anyone with a lick of common sense knows that as
soon as you take any food (even chewing gum) into the bathroom,
it is irrevocably contaminated, and you may as well just pour
some mercury into your coffee too if you're still going to drink
it at that point. One way you can teach those people a lesson is
to make sure you move your drippy wet hands directly over their
coffee as you move them from sink to paper towel. Urinating into
their coffee may be tempting, but it's hard to urinate at the
sink without being noticed, and coffee has a tendency to be
quite hot. And believe me, you don't want your naughty bits
decorated in third-degree burns.
That pretty much sums up the lesson. I've taught you everything
I know about restroom etiquette. Hopefully now you'll be better
prepared to deal with the inevitably awkward social encounters
you'll be forced into, and you'll know what to do the next time
you find someone squatting naked over the sink and pouring soap
all over their nipples. Did I remember to cover that point?
Anyway, from now on you should be able to do it loud, do it
proud, and walk into that restroom with confidence!
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Don't Fuck The Children
|
