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by: Protoclown

Woah, simmer down there, fanboy. Before you get your panties in a bunch and reflexively press the "launch hate mail" button, I'll have you know that growing up, I was a huge Transformers fan. I had the toys, I watched the cartoon religiously, and my childhood ended early as the cold hand of harsh reality forever got a firm chokehold on me the day that Optimus Prime died.

So the Transformers have always been near and dear to my heart, but I'm talking about the classics. 1984, baby. Cars and trucks, planes and tape decks. I heard Beast Wars was good, but I never got into it. But hey, if seeing robot monkeys flinging feces around is your thing, who am I to judge?

The point is, I'm just as protective of the franchise as you are. I don't want to see my beloved characters ruined by some "visionary" who wants to reinterpret them into some unrecognizable abomination. Yeah, the thought of seeing Optimus Prime on the big screen, really real (but CGI) is pretty exciting. But see, this is where the cold choking hand of reality comes back into play.

You know the fear. That same gripping fanboy fear that sent you into a cold sweat the second Jar Jar Binks first appeared on screen, and you were praying to whatever gods would listen that it wasn't real, please god let this be the wrong theater, let me have accidentally walked into some Disney movie by mistake, but all along you knew deep down that George Lucas was standing there holding the smoking gun that just destroyed your happy childhood memories, standing there laughing at you as he rubbed your eight dollars all over his body, concentrating mostly on the nipple area.

Well, you have reason to fear, because my sources have uncovered some little nuggets, or "true facts" as I like to call them, about the upcoming Transformers film. And it's not all pretty. So brace yourselves for the grim reality bomb that I'm about to drop on you.

You want to know WHY the Transformers movie is going to suck? Here are some reasons:

· In the original series, Bumblebee was named such because he was a yellow Volkswagen "bug". In the movie, he's a Camaro, and he's called Bumblebee because of his eccentric hobby of beekeeping.

· In the beginning of the film, Optimus Prime has amnesia, and the rest of the Autobots discover him in a gay biker bar, heading up a biker gang called the Hell's Belles.

· In the original series, Megatron transformed into a Walther P38 pistol. In the movie, he transforms into a pink tyrannosaurus rex holding a squirt gun.

· In the original series, the Transformers were always on a quest for Energon, the life-granting fuel that gives them sustenance. In the movie, they're on a quest for Transformers the Movie Collectible Trading Cards! COLLECT 'EM ALL!

· Originally, Soundwave was a cassette player. In the film, he's an iPod, and oldschool cassettes like Ravage and Laserbeak are now fictional hair-metal bands, whose raucous rockin' tunes cause the Autobots to short circuit.

· In the climax of the film, Optimus Prime doesn't even fight Megatron in an epic battle to save humanity. Instead he tags human Ellen Ripley, who climbs into a dock loader and throws Megatron out the airlock.

There is a disturbing lack of Weird Al music in the live-action movie. Surprisingly however, they do have Stan Bush. In fact, he's actually going to perform a song in the movie, and his guitar is going to transform into a rockin' little robot that kicks Starscream in the keister and chases him off stage.

· In a tribute to the men and women who perished in the attack on the World Trade Center, Fortress Maximus now transforms into twin towers.

Bad idea... especially with all those Decepticons that turn into flying planes 'n all.
The new Fort Max?

· In the live-action movie, Optimus Prime has gay flames painted on his chassis. This is actually a "tattoo", and early in the film he is seen grimacing in a tattoo parlor while a burly, hairy leather-clad bald guy lets him have it with the tattoo needle.

· Michael Bay.

· In the film, Autobot Jazz listens to hip-hop music, and in his robot mode he looks remarkably like Eminem.

· All of the Decepticons in the film look like Insecticons, the most harmless and cuddly Decepticon sub-group from the old cartoon.

Four of these items are actually true (this is not one of them).

· Michael Bay was so ignorant of the Transformers franchise when he took on the project that Voltron will actually make an appearance in the film as an Autobot.

· Megatron used to be a happy-go-lucky, carefree Autobot named Megafun, until being struck by lighting, an event that fried his morality processor and instantly transformed him into a twisted being of pure evil.

· In the post-9/11 world, it was decided that having any Decepticons transform into planes was highly inappropriate. Therefore, Starscream was changed from an F-15 into a less menacing hot air balloon.

· The Dinobots actually do make a brief appearance in the movie, but it's revealed that thanks to their rather conspicuous status of being dinosaurs rather than vehicles, they are forced to remain undercover working at the Universal Studios "Jurassic Park Experience".

· Did you miss the part where it's a live-action movie based on a popular cartoon and toy-line of the 80s?

In a shocking twist at the end of the movie, the audience learns that the Transformers aren't really from outer space at all, but are rather a top secret military project of the US government gone out of control.

· Starscream now has some serious competition for the title of least-trustworthy Decepticon, in the form of a new character named Corpsebucket, who transforms into a hearse.

· In an effort to infuse some serious emotional drama into the script, Ratchet, the Autobot medic, gets addicted to painkillers.

· Thanks to fan support, original voice actor Peter Cullen is going to reprise his role as Autobot leader Optimus Prime. In a follow-up decision baffling everyone, original Megatron voice actor Frank Welker has been replaced by Gilbert Gottfried.

· The filmmakers really wanted to include the character Grimlock in the movie, but they didn't want another tyrannosaurus (after Megatron), so they decided to change him into a horse named Buttercup. They assure fans however, that though is appearance may be different, his personality will be unaltered.

· Megatron's face looks like a pocket pussy.

Okay, so I wouldn't stick my dick in it, but come on... you know someone would.

· In the cartoon, the Transformers impossibly shifted and changed mass as they went from vechicle to robot mode, but the filmmakers wanted to approach that from a more realistic angle. This is why Optimus Prime's trailer no longer disappears into thin air as in the cartoon, and it also explains why he has one really fat leg.

· Ironhide is outed as a cross-dresser halfway through the film, and he actually fights the final battle wearing a red sequin gown specially made out of a circus tent.

· Female Autobot Arcee is in the movie, and she transforms into a cola vending machine (guess which brand), which is the perfect cover, because she infiltrates a military base and no one pays her the least bit of attention or shows any interest in her whatsoever.

· Instead of having the Autobot Matrix of Leadership housed inside his chest, Optimus Prime's innards are home to the Allspark, which is basically just a giant disco ball that all the Transformers happen to think is quite pretty.

· There are two new Autobot characters introduced for comic relief: a golden prissy bot who complains a lot, and a short stumpy one who can only talk in a series of beeps. Appropriately, they combine to transform into a powervac because they totally suck.

· On opening night only, during the end credits, the theater itself is going to transform into a giant rocket, launching the audience into space, causing them to brutally murder each other as they succumb to the horrific effects of space madness. Or I mean, that's what would happen if they didn't freeze and explode long before getting to that stage.

See no evil. :(
Beachcomber isn't sad that he's not in the movie.
He's sad because Optimus Prime forced him to watch it.

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