Raver F.A.Q.

On this page we try to answer some of the questions that many of you may have about raves. This is THE DEFINITIVE F.A.Q. for raves. Accept no substitutes. If you have a question you would like us to answer in the F.A.Q., please send it in to antirave@i-mockery.com or just fill out our contact form and we just might answer it!

Q: I see the word "PLUR" used a lot? What the hell does it mean?

A: "PLUR" stands for "Peace, Love, Unity and Respect". At least that's what they'd like you to think. But if you ask them enough about what it REALLY stands for, they'll eventually break down and tell you. It really stands for "Please Let Us Reek". Ravers are simply hippies dressed in even more idiotic outfits. But don't let that fool you. They still SMELL like hippies. We're talking about people who pass out in the middle of a rave and lay unconscious on the floor for HOURS. The same floor that people have been walking on, spitting on, spilling drinks and food on, vomiting on, and probably pissing on. So "PLUR" is their way of asking the general public to ignore how badly they reek.

Q: Every Raver seems to talk about it being a "Positive Movement". Positive this, positive that. Why do they keep saying this?

A: I'm quite "positive" that the only reason they do this is one of the only words they know. Here's some examples of how the word is used in conversations at raves.

• "Is this stuff safe to inhale?" "Yeah man, I'm positive!"...

• "Say, have they been playing one repetitive song all night?" "Yeah man, I'm positive!"...

• "Hey, I think your friend there just stopped breathing!" "Yeah man, I'm positive!"...

• "Can you understand a fucking word I'm saying?" "Yeah man, I'm positive!"...

Indeed it is a sad thing, but after listening to such wretched music and doing so many drug cocktails, you can't expect a Raver's vocabulary to be that extensive.

Q: Ok, what is this "VIBE" stuff I'm always hearing people talk about?

A: We cannot comment on that at the moment. Paula Abdul is currently suing the Rave Community for using the term "VIBE", because she feels that her song "Vibeology" is where the term was originated. We hope Paula wins the case. "I... I.... I yiee yiee!!!" -Paula Abdul

Q: I've got to know this one: Why do they use so much goddamned NEON!?!?!?

A: There are several reasons actually. First off, many ravers will actually put neon glow sticks in their mouths. This is because they are hallucinating and they believe that they are robots and that these neon glow sticks are their power source. Kind of like "The Transformers" cartoon and those "Energon Cubes" they were always fighting over. It's always quite a hoot when the glow sticks explode in their mouths and you see them puking up glowing green liquid!

Next, as you know, joggers and bikers will often wear neon to avoid being hit by cars at night. Well with ravers it's sort of the same thing. When they come stumbling out of a rave, completely stoned off their asses, they have been known to go wandering into highways. By wearing all the neon they figure people will see them and swerve out of their way. In my case, if I see someone on the highway wearing all that neon, I MAKE SURE I HIT THEM DEAD ON!

Finally, they will fling around all sorts of neon items while they dance. Normally you would think this is just so they can have a "trippy effect" going for them while they "groove to the music". Nope. When they do this they are trying to "appease the gods of the Rave". Much like a tribal dance with large decorative outfits and flowers, Ravers use "Neon" to try to make the gods happy so that they are given more drugs and more bad music to listen to in the future. However, the only thing the gods seem to bring them is bad attire and unemployment.

Q: It's been a month since I went to a rave. I can't get rid of my headache. What do I do?

A: This is a common problem. As you know, the rave you went to was a horrible experience. The drugs, the repetitive music... So horrible was it all, that it was actually traumatic for you! You won't be able to just "shake" this headache. It's going to stay with you. Because whenever you hear techno music, whether if it's at a friends house or on a commercial, it will remind you of that experience.

Our only suggestion is that you try Hypno-Therapy. This is the only chance you have. If you can be hypnotized so that you don't remember that you ever went to a rave, then and only then will the headaches go away. Otherwise, be prepared to help keep the people who make Excedrin in business!

Q: Are there any Ravers that aren't complete losers?

A: Yes, believe it or not there ARE Ravers that aren't complete losers: DEAD RAVERS.

Q: If I accidentally wandered into a rave, what could I do to protect myself?

A: Earplugs and a Baseball Bat. That should do the trick.

Q: What if I like the music that is being played at raves? Is that wrong?

A: No, it's not wrong. It's HORRIBLY WRONG! Admit yourself into a psychiatric ward for shock therapy, you've obviously lost your mind.

Q: A raver annoyed me and I want to kill him/her. I've never killed anybody before, so I want to know how I can get away with a homicide like this.

A: Well, we asked Sgt. Plurkiller of the New York City Police Department about this and he told us, "You want to GET AWAY with killing a raver? Hahaha! Don't worry about it! That's easy! Hell, if you're planning on killing some ravers, be sure to call me and da' boys up on the phone. We'll be glad to help you rid the world of those hippie punks!". So there you have it, the police SUPPORT the extermination of raver scum!

Q: I used to make decent grades in school, then I started going to raves. Now, I keep getting E's in all my classes! What should i do??

A: First off, you're an idiot and you're hallucinating. Those aren't E's, those are F's. Good job there, Watson.

Q: Ever since I became a raver, I've lost control of my bladder. Why is that?

A: As we all know, the mentality of a Raver is that of a newborn child (sorry to insult any of you newborns out there, but we had to compare ravers to SOMETHING). All newborns have no control of their bladders. So we suggest picking up a pack of Pampers while yer at the store next time. Also, buy some "Gerber 'Peaches 'n Cream'" baby food... we're pretty sure it'll be right up your alley.

Q: Are glowsticks cancerous?

A: Yes they are. But why would an idiot raver give a damn if glowsticks are cancerous? They're too busy trying out some new "cocktails" every single night. Cancer is the last thing on a raver's mind (what little is left of it).

Q: Why are you people such assholes? You're just pissed cuz us ravers are individuals!

A: Yes, you're so individualistic. You all buy into the same shit. You all dress up in the same shit. You all do the same shit. You all send in the same shitty hate mail. You are all SHIT.