Look at you. You're
absolutely worthless. All you ever do is complain about how life is so
unfair to you. How you were never given a chance to enjoy it. How "the
man" has been "holding you back" from "success" because you didn't go to
"school" or learn how to "eat with utensils". Well my oppressed little
simpleton, your luck is about to change.
You head on over to
your favorite local truck stop to pick up some pork rinds, beef jerky,
and the owner's special drink that he calls "mustard juice". It's
basically mustard, sugar and water, but damned if you don't love the
stuff. You quickly finish off your 3-course meal and an overwhelming
sense of nausea overcomes you. You dash outside to use the public
restroom. Sure, it ain't pretty, but in times like these, you can't
afford to be picky. There's only one stall and the door is shut, but you
can't hear anybody inside it, so you kick the door open and what do you
find?
Yes indeed, it's Pat
Sajak from "Wheel of Fortune" pleasuring himself to a photograph of
RuPaul. You just happen to have a camera on-hand, and you quickly take a
snapshot while trying not to laugh. Pat stands up and begs you to give
him the photo because it could ruin his career. You agree, but on one
condition... he let's you be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune! A
brighter person would've just asked him for a cool million or so... but
you, in all of your brilliance, want to be a guest on a TV gameshow. Way
to set your goals high there, sport.
Anyway,
Pat agrees and a few days later, you're a contestant on the Wheel of
Fortune!
You spend far too much
time staring at what you call "THE PRETTY LADY!" than paying attention
to the actual game, fortunately for you, the other people in the game
don't speak a word of English. Pat has basically set up this game so you
can't possibly lose as long as you get just one thing right. He's
obviously trying to make sure you win so that you don't get mad and tell
people about that little stint in the truck stop restroom. Being an
overconfident jackass that you are, you feel that there's no sense in trying to guess
single letters... you're gonna guess the whole damned phrase without any
clues at all!
