Well, Stephen Hawking's
more of a star guy, and you're still mad that Bill Nye never answered
your question about why the sexual position that all four-legged animals
engage in is called "doggy style." As for Mr. Wizard, you never saw that
show, so you can only assume that he wasn't as qualified as that jerk,
Bill Nye. That just leaves the one and only Dolph Lundgren, B-actor
extraordinaire. As luck would have it, he only lives a block away. You
rush over, anxious to chat about all things chemical with the man
himself, but you burst into his home with the news, you spot a note on
his front door:
Darn. Movie shoots can
last months. There's no telling when he'll be back, and the aliens could
be enacting their evil plan as we speak. Well, we're not really
speaking, you and I, but still, aliens… Thankfully, an unusually
revealing entry in the director's blog reveals that the film is
currently shooting at a disused factory complex at the edge of town.
Road trip!
After a twenty-minute drive, you too are on the set. Security is
noticeably lacking, probably because the budget doesn't allow for it.
You do spot a horde of rabid Dolph Lundgren fans (nicknamed "Lundies")
gathered as near to the set as the director will allow. You follow their
wide-eyed stares to the craft services table where Dolph Lundgren is
sampling a cinnamon roll. You start towards him, but one of the Lundies
blocks your path.
"Hey man, we all
want to see the Dolph, but you gotta wait for him just like the rest of
us!"
"But I have an
important discovery that I must share with him."
"Hey, so do I. I
found out that Bridge of Dragons syncs up perfectly with Dark Side of
the Moon!"
This is getting you
nowhere. If you want to get any face time with Lord Dolph of Lundgrenia,
you'll need a plan.
