It's a quiet evening in
the town of Walla Walla, Washington. The crickets are chirping, the
fireflies are making their butts glow with a sexual ferocity you'll
never understand, and the alien mothership just landed in that big field
over there. Everything is as tranquil as you could possibly want it to
be and... wait... WHAT!? AN ALIEN MOTHERSHIP!?
Holy bittersweet jehova!
Aliens have landed on planet earth, and by the looks of that
bloodcurdling mothership, they have NOT come in peace! After all,
when was the last time you saw something that looked like a red devil
with a mouth full of fire that didn't want to kill everything in sight?
Yeah yeah, "my mother in law"... we're all laughing very
hard. Well, while you're being a comedian, these dastardly aliens are
planning to overthrow the planet, so what say you save the jokes for the
next open mic night in your parents' basement and go warn everybody in
town about the alien invasion!
You run to the center
of the town and start to hammer on that fat-assed big town bell. Why
does every town have a big bell, anyway? I guess it's for times like
these so you can get everybody's attention and let them know they're all
about to die.
All of the townsfolk
come to see what all the ruckus is about, including everybody's favorite
guy, Mayor Monocle. He's actually a shitty mayor, but everybody likes
him because he really looks like that guy from the Monopoly board games,
what with his top hat and monocle.
"What is the meaning
of this ringing of our bell!? Have you no honor, sir? Have you gone
mad!?" shouts Mayor Monocle in between bites of a giant rack of lamb
that he was carrying in his coat pocket.
You try to explain to
him that an ominous alien craft has just landed in town and you believe
they are here to kill everyone.
"Say, aren't you that
guy who used to live in Roswell, New Mexico, who had that failed store 'Alien
Crap' and everybody laughed at all of your extra-terrestrial
cover-up conspiracy theories?" asks one of the annoyed townsfolk.
"What say you, sir?
WHAT... SAY... YOU!" the mayor yammers in an overly pompous tone.
It is true that you did
live in Roswell and you did run a UFO conspiracy theory gift shop and
research center. And it is true that even the people in Roswell thought
you were a few solar systems shy of a galaxy. But damnit, this IS
the real thing! We ARE being invaded! You had better convince
them quickly before it's too late!