Jimminy Christ Crackers, could your life be any more of a boring mess?

Six months out of college, no job in sight, and a fridge with nothing in it but peanut butter, half of last nights ramen noodles in an empty 'I can't believe it's not butter" tub and a tube of 'Mr. Fisty's Ho-Ho Frosting in a tube!' you might be able to get one last squeeze out of if you curled it up real good. You think about hitting Sharleen up for enough money to get a microwave beef-n-bean at the check cashing/Korean nail shop you live over and then remember for the umpteenth time that Sharleen dumped you because 'even among 'Doctor Who' enthusiasts you're kind of a wiener'. If it wasn't for your old pal Skip, the ancient, half blind obsessive compulsive wire hair terrier you've had since childhood that your parents wouldn't take back if it 'came glued to a fallout shelter and there was a nuclear war going on' you'd be all alone.

Sighing a heavy sigh, you cram the last of the anti obsessive compulsive pills under Ol' Skips tongue, clamp his muzzle shut so he'll swallow, tuck him under your arm and go down to check the mail. Who knows, maybe you're ship has finally come in? Ha ha ha.

Bill, bill, bill, credit card offer, mail for the dead guy that lived in your apartment before you, credit card offer, bill, bill, real thick letter with your name and address hand calligraphed, local Chinese takeout menu, bill-

Now wait a sec there. What's this real thick letter all about? Hmmmm.... No return address, but its postmarked 'Olde North Fester by the Sea, Maine'. That rings a bell, isn't that where your great Uncle, Caleb VanPeskyparts, the eccentric weasel oil baron who disowned your fathers side of the family many years ago over what Grandmaw always called 'That business with the foot pump and the clamps' lived in a huge old mansion on a cliff all by himself? Or maybe it's the birth place of "Hoo-hoo" the old time chocolaty flavored soda-pop you heard about of the Food Network before your cable got shut off.

Well, since it turns out to be a lot of legal forms from a 'Mister Pendleton X. Queez, esq.' licensed notary public and executor of the estate of the late Caleb VanPeskyparts, it's probably not the place where the soda pop came from, which seems a shame since you now have a powerful 'Hoo-Hoo' hankering.

Lets just see what this letter says...


First, let me apologize for referring to you as mister if in fact the reader of this 'Select Your Destiny' on-line computer text game (for the sake of your enjoyment, please pretend I didn't say that) is a lady and not a 'dude'.

Second, it is my sad duty to inform you of the passing of your Great Uncle Caleb VanPeskyparts, and to let you know that you, (READER SAYS NAME OUT LOUD TO THEMSELVES HERE) have been named in the Last Will and Testament.

To claim the goods and or services bequeathed to you, you need only attend a reading of the will which is to take place the day after tomorrow at the old VanPeskyparts estate...


...perched precariously atop the dangerously eroded cliff overlooking the Ocean in Olde North Fester by the Sea, Maine; and also to perform the task described in the ridiculously quasi-legal goofy codicil. Which the Late Mr. VanPeskyparts recorded for you prior to his death, and which I shall play once you and the other individuals named in the Will arrive.

Yours etc, etc, Pendleton Queez, Esq. LNP, (Licensed Notary Public)

P.S. A pre paid first class extra deluxe bus ticket has been provided for your convenience. Enjoy.

'Well!' you say giving Skip a gentle a squeeze to restart his breathing, "If that doesn't just smack your crackers!"
It seems like only yesterday the one memory you have of Old Great Uncle Caleb was taking place, where he invited you down to his basement laboratory, took you off to a dusty corner, did something so presumably unspeakable you've repressed the memory and then disowned your Father's entire side of the family. Good times.

"Haaurghph!" Skip expectorates, and you:

Reader Comments

Baron Von Snugglemittens
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
yes! I've missed these! great stuff!
With More Yes Than Ever
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
I was hoping that we would be blessed with such awesomeness!
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:36 PM
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:37 PM
"Doctor says he's got the diabetes, says that makes him hyperglycemic. Know what that is? Means he's got to get a lot of sugar in him all the time, or he'll get all listless and moody!"
One of the best Destiny Books so far.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:39 PM
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.

I'm still loving this. It doesn't need to make sense.
The Claw of Justice
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:28 PM
Just finished it...I haven't laughed this hard in a looooong time. Great work, guys!

Now I feel bad about my meat lips.
Funky Dynamite
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by Kat View Post
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Two words: birthday suit.

Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:37 PM
Wait a second, when you go back to your room after killing that monster, is that ghost from the "A Christmas Carol" movie starring Albert Finney as Scrooge called "Scrooge"?
I think it was a musical. My family watches it every year.
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 31st, 2009, 12:26 AM
Haven't had time to get through my entire adventure yet, but it is amazing. Great job guys.
Space Cowboy
Oct 31st, 2009, 07:47 AM
I would like to propose that the sentence "He flails wildly about as you punch him in the hump." is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Kudos to you guys.
King of the Monsters
Nov 1st, 2009, 01:14 AM
what? no choice that ends with you getting your nuts destroyed??? :P

kidding aside, awesome work.
Almighty Samfucius
Nov 1st, 2009, 11:56 PM
I really hate to be a wet blanket, but as an actual type 1 diabetic, I'd just like to point out that too much insulin is the cause of a diabetic seizure, not at all the solution. The solution to hypoglycemia (what causes a seizure) is more sugar, and the way to deal with a seizure in progress is to give the person a glucagon shot, which is quite distinctive from an insulin shot.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 2nd, 2009, 06:45 PM
You know that this story is supposed to be funny, full of teh jokes, and in no way educational or based on true events, right?
Funky Dynamite
Nov 3rd, 2009, 03:47 PM
I was just glad I could spell "diabetes" correctly after years of hearing those commercials with Wilford Brimley.
Forum Virgin
Nov 8th, 2009, 12:45 PM
so, is there a good ending? I think I went through all the choices and never saw one that I would think of as a happy ending for player.

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