Well, if you're about to go for a long bus ride, you're going to need to wet your whistle (and not that whistle either, I know what you're thinking, and just because you're a curiosity of anatomy and certain things can be done doesn't by any stretch mean that they should--see what I did there? I said "stretch" which was a pun referring to--oh, nevermind! What in the hell did you ever do that was so goddamned clever anyway?), and you know just the place! You also know just the thing, and this time it doesn't involve licking the side of the Slurpee (or whatever passes for a Slurpee at the "Quickly Mart", don't ask me, I've never been there) overflow drip tray, because this time you have MONEY!

Money to satisfy your oh-my-god-you're-probably-pregnant craving for a tasty "Hoo-hoo" beverage. You calmly breeze into the store, a smile on your face, and take stock of your surroundings, an important skill you learned in Super Detective School, which was something you applied for on the back of an Apple Jacks box and were the only person older than twelve in attendance, and head to the refrigerated section in the back of the store.

As you're checking each bottle's expiration date for the absolute freshest Hoo-hoo experience possible, you notice with some annoyance what sounds like an argument coming from the register. Sounds like somebody's coupon didn't get accepted you think, rolling your eyes as you continue browsing through the beverages. You notice one bottle that has an expiration date of April 13, 19--good lord, is that a "7"?--when suddenly you hear an angry voice yelling from the register up front "Just shut the fuck up and unload that register, pops!"

Not wanting to make any sudden movements, you mentally review all the customers you observed in the store as you first walked in. You have the power to catch this nasty ne'er-do-well off guard and save the day! You, yes, only you can stop this robbery in progress, but you've got to be stealthy, and you've got to be prepared. Let's see, which one of the customers you glanced over before was the most likely suspect? Oh sure, you could simply turn around, but then they'll know you're onto them!

Was it:

• The short hairy guy standing by the hot dogs wistfully rubbing his knuckles and saying he's "the best there is at doing what needs to be done best".
  
  
• The old lady browsing the candy aisle with a very heavy coat and--could it be--four legs sticking out from under it?
  
  
• Stephen Hawking.
  
  
• The man with the intense glare who was brandishing a pistol wildly in the air.