by: -RoG-

After I completed my list of Freddy's 10 best Kills, I immediately started receiving requests to do a follow-up article all about another ultimate horror baddie. I'm of course speaking of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th films. While I'm admittedly a bigger fan of Freddy Krueger, I still love Jason and his murderific ways. While Freddy kills with creativity and charisma, Mr. Voorhees kills with a silent brutality that is perhaps only rivaled by Michael Myers. He's the big lug that you always enjoy watching as he decimates any teenagers who dare to do drugs, engage in premarital sex, or just happen to be hanging around Camp Crystal Lake. Hey, he's not picky about who he kills, and his body count shows it. That's something any horror fan can appreciate.

Keeping that in mind, I'm happy to present you with my tribute to Jason Voorhees, the biggest, baddest horror icon ever to draw attention to the sport of hockey. So grab your machete because it's time to check out what are, in my opinion, his 10 best kills.

Kill #10: Bananarama Hitchhiker!
(from "Friday the 13th Part IV - The Final Chapter")

This Hitchiker headed for Canada (and Love) is down on her luck. She's been getting turned down for a ride so much that she actually has a backing to her hitchhiking sign which reads "Fuck You!" - used for anybody who laughs as they drive past her. Oh well, at least she can enjoy the tranquility of the woods while she eats her banana. The tasty banana. The friendly banana. The happy banana. The... wait... what's that noise?

Er, yeah, about that banana. I doubt it tastes quite as good when your throat is being pierced with a knife. Gotta love the close-up shot of the banana being squeezed out as she twitches to death. A knife through the throat, puking up blood and banana bits... that's enough to scare the balanced fruit bowl right off of Miss Chiquita's head.

Kill #9: Wickedness On A Winnebago!
(from "Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives")

After a romp in the back of an RV, these two happy-go-lucky teenagers (Cort and Nikki) start driving down the road. Unfortunately for them, they don't realize that there's a stowaway on board. Cort has apparently never driven an RV before and is having way too much fun in doing so. He cranks up the radio and looks about as giddy as a kid on a go-kart driving the thing. Well, while he has the radio cranked, he doesn't realize that his girl Nikki has just been dragged into the bathroom by Jason. She struggles for a little while, but she just had sex - clearly, she's screwed. (no pun intended)

Jason grabs a hold of Nikki's head and rams her face right through the mirror and into the wall. Her face gets crushed up against the wall with such brute force that it leaves a perfect impression of it on the other side. Her last moment in terror immortalized on the wall of an RV. That'll make a great souvenir for one lucky camper.

Jason then quickly dispatches Cort with a hunting knife to the face, which causes the RV to lose control, flip over and burst into flames. Some would say he died because he had sex too. I say he died because his name was "Cort".

Kill #8: The Wheelchair Ride!
(from "Friday the 13th Part II")

Meet Mark. He may be in a wheelchair, but this strapping young lad has a positive outlook and is looking towards the future with hope and wonderment.

Well, that is at least until he gets a machete to his face. Yeah, I think that might put a dent in his plans. As if getting a machete to the face isn't bad enough, he happens to be near a huge flight of stairs. Can you see where I'm going with this?

The force of the machete strike causes his chair to roll backwards towards the flight of stairs that just happens to be there. This sends his convulsing body crashing down the stairs on the wheelchair. What's impressive is that the wheelchair somehow doesn't flip over the entire way down, so I guess he got lucky. Oh wait, no, he just got a machete to the face... he's not very lucky at all.

Kill #7: Dance Crispin Dance!
(from "Friday the 13th Part IV - The Final Chapter")

Crispin Hellion Glover has been and always will be one of my favorite actors. The guy just knows how to play "crazy" better than anybody else. That's probably because he actually is crazy, but whatever the case, he's damned entertaining to watch. What's great about his role in Friday the 13th Part IV is that he's actually playing a relatively normal guy. Sure, his character is timid and isn't all that good with the ladies, but other than that he's fairly normal. The funny thing is that no matter how hard he tries, Crispin can't make a normal character seem normal. Nothing demonstrates this better than when he asks a girl to dance and then busts out some improvised moves of his own.

Glover just completely spazzes out to the music with no rhythm or coordination and instead looks like a patient in the middle of his electroshock therapy treatment. It's seriously one of the greatest dancing moments you'll ever see on the screen. I'd say it ranks right up there with the Carlton Dance in my book. It's just that good. But no animated gif and demonstrate the mastery of that dance, you must watch the video. Believe it or not, even with that dance, he still manages to get laid shortly after.

Well all good things must come to an end, even for seizure dancers like Crispin. He goes into the kitchen to look for the corkscrew and can't find it anywhere. Don't worry there Crispin, Jason is more than willing to lend you a hand.

Jason stabs him in the hand with the corkscrew so hard that he's actually pinned to the countertop. And then it's time for a meat cleaver to the face. I gotta say though; I still think Crispin was less twitchy in this death scene than he was in his freestyle dance.

Kill #6: Pop Goes The Eyeball!
(from "Friday the 13th Part III")

Rick just got back and is wondering why everybody's missing. Psst, hey Rick! They're dead! No matter how many times I tell that to the screen, Rick always runs outside to look for the other people but finds Jason instead.

Jason grabs Rick from behind, lifts him up into the air and begins to crush his head with his bare hands. He squeezes Rick's head so tightly that one of his eyeballs bursts right out at the screen. I was actually lucky enough to see this movie on the big screen with 3D glasses 'n all and the crowd was in hysterics throughout most of the movie. There's just so much blatant moments that were clearly filmed just for use of the 3D technology at the time. Watching one of the guys use a yo-yo in 3D had the entire crowd going "whoaaaahhh!" all sarcastically, but nothing topped the eye popping scene. Seeing that fake eyeball come right at you in 3D is nothing short of hilarious. Sadly, the Friday the 13th box set doesn't come with the movie enabled for 3D viewing, unlike the Elm Street Box Set where you can watch the cheesy 3D scenes in part 6. Maybe someday we'll get to see "Friday the 13th Part 3" restored in all its 3D glory. One can only hope...

Kill #5: Always Wear Protection!
(from "Jason Goes To Hell - The Final Friday")

A lot of people didn't like the 9th installment of the Friday the 13th series because Jason wasn't in it enough. Well he was in it the whole time really, but he was basically possessing people left 'n right and you'd only see him in the reflection of a mirror. All that aside, there was plenty of gore in the movie and it also had that ending where you see Freddy's glove pull Jason's hockey mask underground - which of course really got horror fans talking in a frenzy about a possible Freddy vs. Jason film.

There was also something from this film that I've been promising myself to do for a long time, but I have yet to do so. I wanted to make a Jason Voorhees burger for myself just like they did in the restaurant. Guess I need to get a barbeque grill sometime and make that magic happen.

Well anyway, on with the kill since that's what you're here for...

Deborah is having a dandy ol' time with her boyfriend at the camp site when they decide to go inside the tent for some of that infamous premarital sex. She even agrees not to use a condom this time so you know she'll be paying big-time for such carelessness.

Everything's going fine and dandy for the two of them until Jason shows up with a barbed wire spike. He thrusts it into the tent, and it bursts straight through her chest. Think that's gonna ruin the moment between Deborah and her man? I dunno, maybe they can still rekindle the magic. Oh wait, what's that you say? Jason's not done. Oh...

Mr. Voorhees, or "The Love Doctor" as I like to call him, yanks the spike straight upward, effectively ripping Deborah's body in half while her boyfriend screams his ass off and gets covered in blood. Sorry fella, it just wasn't meant to be. By the way, I hope you appreciate how I took the time to cover her dirty, naughty nipples so that this article remains safe for work. Well, that's pending your job has no problem with you watching people being murdered. After all, we should let the youth of the world see all the blood 'n gore they want... but god forbid they see a nipple. WHAT WOULD JEBUS THINK!?

Kill #4: Float Like A Butterfly, Decapitate Like A Bee!
(from "Friday the 13th Part VIII - Jason Takes Manhattan")

Jason has followed a group of people all the way from Camp Crystal Lake to Manhattan just so he can kill them. Julius here tries to make a phone call but Jason damn near chokes him to death in the phone booth. Luckily for Julius, he's a quick young scrapper and makes his way up onto the roof of a nearby building. Jason follows him up there, and when Julius realizes that there's nowhere left to run, he decides to fight Jason.

What's funny is that Jason seems to be in an extremely generous mood at the moment, because he actually let's Julius try his hardest to knock him out. Julius punches away at Jason as hard as he can - directly on his hockey mask most of the time, a brilliant move on Julius' behalf. When his hands are bloodied and he's completely exhausted, Julius tells Jason to give him his best shot. Now what kind of gentleman would Jason be not to oblige his request?

With one mighty punch, Jason knocks Julius' head clean off. It spins in the air for a bit, rolls down the edge of the building and then lands in a dumpster. Three points!

Be sure to check out my full feature on Jason Takes Manhattan for more great moments from that movie.

Kill #3: A Bold Fold!
(from "Freddy vs. Jason")

Trey is a dick who you want to see die from the very start, and thankfully, it doesn't take long. After he finishes doing the deed with his girlfriend (whom he refers to as "babe"), he tells her to go take a shower because she smells. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am... eh Trey? Well, now it's time for Jason to enjoy a little wham, bam of his own.

Jason walks up to the bed and Trey quickly rolls over in an attempt to escape, but it's too late. Jason repeatedly stabs the hell out of his back with a machete and Trey's beer shakes uncontrollably in his hand. Now that was the "wham", but what about the "bam"?

There's your bam. Thank you ma'am.

Kill #2: Face-Off!
(from "Jason X")

Jason X definitely has its fair share of flaws. First off, they took Jason into outer space, which is generally considered to be a killing blow to any horror movie series. Next, they turned him into a killer cyborg later on - and I don't think he's ever looked worse. Still, even with all the bad things about this movie, there were some really fun kill scenes such as this one...

After being recovered by an explorer team roughly four centuries into the future, Jason's body is thawing out on a table in the lab room. Hmm, four centuries, eh? Do you think Jason's gonna be a bit cranky after such a long nap? Yeah, I do too.

He grabs the scientist lady, Adrienne, and forces her face into a nearby vat of liquid nitrogen. From here we get a great submerged shot of her face freezing in an instant. But again, I said Jason was probably gonna be cranky, so freezing her face probably isn't gonna be enough to satisfy the big galoot. So he does what any cranky, homicidal maniac who had been asleep for the past four-hundred years would do...

He removes her frozen face from the liquid nitrogen and then smashes it into a thousand bloody little pieces on the edge of the table. Tasty! I don't care how many centuries into the future you are; science just isn't going to become advanced enough to a repair a face that's been frozen in liquid nitrogen and then smashed into into tiny shards.

Kill #1: No Sleeping In This Bag!
(from "Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood")

I suppose it should be no surprise that my all-time favorite Jason kill comes from my favorite Friday the 13th movie, Part VII. It's even Kane Hodder's favorite kill, so you know it's a good one...

Jason slashes his way into Judy's tent and what does she do? She somehow reverts back to the knowledge she possessed at age 5: if a monster comes into your room, hide under the covers and it can't get you. She crawls under her sleeping bag and quivers with fear. Sorry Judy, Jason doesn't live by those childhood monster rules. He drags her out of the tent, still in her sleeping bag and walks her over to a tree while she screams in a crazed panic.

He picks up the sleeping bag and swings it right into the tree, silencing Judy and her screams in an instant. It's violent, it's hilarious and it will always remain my favorite kill of his. The filmmakers of Jason X apparently liked this scene a lot too as they paid tribute to it in their film which I talk about here.

And there you have it... what I consider to be Jason Voorhees' 10 best kills. So what do you think? Agree with my choices? Disagree? Lemme know! For those of you who are wondering why I didn't include any moments from Friday the 13th parts 1 and 5 - it's because Jason wasn't doing the killing in those. And if you don't know that, clearly you need to go back and re-watch all the films. If you don't, I just might tell your parents to send you off to summer camp next year. And you know what that means...

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-