15 Things That Are Not The Reason I Have Been Away For So Long.
by: Max Burbank


Well. This is awkward. I feel almost like I should introduce myself.

For several years, I wrote a fair amount of content for this web site. It would be fair to say that RoG championed my work more consistently than any other editor/publisher I ever worked with. Then, about two years ago, I just stopped writing for I-Mock. I'd love to tell you it was because I started selling my stuff for big bucks, or any bucks at all, but actually, I wasn't writing for anyone else. I wasn't writing at all.

If you are a reader who has climbed aboard the I-Mockery train in the last two years, and you haven't dipped into the archives (and shame on you if you haven't, what the hell kind of obsessive fan boy are you anyway?) you have no idea who I am, or why I'm writing this. You may not even still be reading at this point to which I can only say 'Bravo for having some sense of priority'. Of course, you'd never know I said that.

If you are a long time fan of I-Mockery, you must be wondering 'where the hell has Max been?' Work with me and pretend that's what you're thinking. I can't go back to writing affirmations on post-its and pasting tem on the medicine chest mirror. It's not like I don't know who wrote them.

I've been trying to come back, but I keep getting tripped up by the notion that if I still have an audience here, I owe them an explanation. After careful consideration, I have decided to 'phuck' that 'noise'. I cannot however, keep my mid off all the things you must be imagining kept me away. Keep working with me here. Imagining you care is an important part of my parole agreement.

So, here is a list of things that are not the reason I have been away for so long:

1. Sexual reassignment surgery. Though as a card carrying Unitarian I am compelled to say that sexual reassignment surgery is a perfectly legitimate life choice and nothing to make fun of. So if you laughed, you are neither open, affirming or welcoming. Can you say neither when you have more than two options?

2. Kidnapped by rebels/counter insurgents/ 'The Man'. Kidnapping me would be pointless. No one I know has any money. If you are reading this and you do have money, 'friend' me ASAP. You don't have to give me any money, just the idea of being friends with someone who has some makes me almost giddy, kind of the way starving third world kids enjoy looking at photos of roast turkey.

3. Some sort of romantic disease where people tell you how brave you are if you leave your bed to pee. No disease I have ever had or will ever have has anything romantic or courageous about it. I'm more in the line of coming down with something that causes sudden, unpredictable flatulence of a volume more usually associated with close proximity to a working jet engine or a rare variant of turrets symptom triggered only by the presence of enormous black men.

4. Left nut caught in mangle.

5. Trapped in a space-time anomaly wherein googling the word 'mangle' to make sure that it meant 'A large machine for ironing sheets or other fabrics, usually when they are damp, using rollers.' as well as 'to severely mutilate, disfigure or damage by cutting, tearing or crushing.' took two years in real time, although it only felt lie a few minutes.

6. Busy working on a really great run-on sentence.

7. Sexual reassignment surgery due to left nut getting caught in mangle. Though as a card carrying Unitarian I am compelled to say that the mangling of one or both nuts does not fall into any category of reasons given for sexual reassignment surgery, and that using the mangling of nuts and/or the topic of sexual reassignment surgery for a cheap laugh honor the inherent worth and dignity of every person.

8. Busy trying to get Unitarian 'card' which turns out to be something like a Snipe. Although ironically there is such a thing as a Snipe, (a small wet lands bird wader family Scolopacidae) and Unitarians do not need cards which in any case do not exist.

9. Busy trying to create a schism between the Unitarians and Universalist, who consolidated in 1961

10. Really, really busy trying to carve out niche as Unitarian comedian.

11. Methamphetamines.

12. Demon Alcohol.

13. Putting just about anything found under the sink into paper bags and inhaling the fumes.

14. Bieber Fever.

15. Really, really, really busy making easy, lackluster topical jokes that within six months will mar what was otherwise a decent piece of writing.

So there you are. What would be fun now is if you came up with your own reasons why I have been gone and post them in the comments section below. As many times as you like, even if your reasons aren't as funny as mine. In fact, especially if your reasons aren't as funny as mine. It will make my writing look better. You can also create false profiles for yourself, so it will look like more people read this. Fark. Digg. Facebook. Twitter. And if that seems like too much work to prop up someone you don't even know, just send money. Or canned or dry foodstuffs. Or women's clothes for the plus size gal.

I'd say it was good to be back, but I wouldn't want to jinx myself. I've already lost one perfectly good nut.

Max Burbank flew over the cuckoo's nest.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Seven Dreams Involving "Super Nanny" Jo Frost

Reader Comments

elx elx is offline
Apr 7th, 2011, 08:58 AM
Welcome back Max!!! Sorry to hear about the unfortunate incident with those biorobotic lambs. :D
Basement Monkey
Apr 7th, 2011, 11:00 AM
Glad to see you're back.
The stealer of Pies
Apr 7th, 2011, 11:11 AM
Oh how I've missed your writing! Thank god those cannibals found your taste to be disagreeable.
after enough bourbon ...
Apr 7th, 2011, 12:15 PM
MAX!!! Did you finally finish cleaning Nick's "scrambled flounder" from the bottom of the omelet pan?
Apr 7th, 2011, 03:14 PM
We missed you!

As for you absence... right nut caught in a mangle?
Apr 7th, 2011, 03:21 PM
max you gotta stop stalking shatner so much, it's not healthy
Forum Virgin
Apr 7th, 2011, 03:36 PM
Great to see you're back from the Mole People!
Apr 7th, 2011, 03:40 PM
Oh Max, I knew that running away with the circus would never work out. It's good to have you back!
Is a thin donkey
Apr 7th, 2011, 04:23 PM
Good to see you back, Max. Sorry to hear about your left nut.
The Claw of Justice
Apr 7th, 2011, 05:44 PM
Pax Burbanka has begun again!

That's what you were doing, right? Reclaiming the lost provinces of the empire?
Apr 7th, 2011, 06:54 PM
Welcome back Max! I see Queen Elizabeth finally got tired of making you pole dance in front of Parliament.
Apr 7th, 2011, 07:10 PM
Just the other day, I was wondering what happened to Max Burbank, and now I find out! But how did you survive your encounter with the Mole People?
Pickled Patriarch
Apr 7th, 2011, 07:44 PM
I heard Max was buried alive, but since he wasn't trained by Pai Mei, it took him two whole years to punch his way out of that damn coffin.
That damn kid
Apr 7th, 2011, 07:57 PM
I logged in after a year or so of inactivity just to say I missed you and I rove you Mark Burbank
Apr 7th, 2011, 10:03 PM
Originally Posted by Mockery View Post
I heard Max was buried alive, but since he wasn't trained by Pai Mei, it took him two whole years to punch his way out of that damn coffin.
i heard that for at least three months of that he was just being passive-agressive at it
Evil Robot
Apr 7th, 2011, 11:12 PM
I had just assumed his neighbor shut off their wireless router and he had no more internet access.
The Goddamned Batman
Apr 7th, 2011, 11:52 PM
Max!! Great to see you back!!

I'm also pleased to see that that Lobo cosplayer finally let you out of his Tijuana sex dungeon. When you disappeared in the middle of Comic Con, we feared the worst.
Apr 8th, 2011, 12:56 AM
oh hai macks
Smooth Operator
Apr 8th, 2011, 01:25 AM
Damn it Max! Who let you out of the basement? I knew I should have used a combination lock.
Forum Chaos Lord
Apr 8th, 2011, 02:04 AM
Max you are a delight and were sorely missed.
The Magnificent Bastard
Apr 8th, 2011, 02:20 AM
Yay! Max has returned from the galactic wars! No doubt with many tales of his interstellar adventures!
Now with less sodium!
Apr 8th, 2011, 04:24 AM
Holy crap, it's good to see you again, Max. Too bad you were never successful in tracking the elusive Vince.
Billy Champman's Friend
Apr 8th, 2011, 02:34 PM
Naughty! -for ignoring your fans... Don't feel bad about your "nut". I lost BOTH of mine after I got married.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Apr 8th, 2011, 03:51 PM

I was waiting for the day of your return, my Lord. I shall obey your every command.
Forum Virgin
Apr 8th, 2011, 03:53 PM
See Max, last time I think I remember seeing you you were crying over cosplay cleevage.. I figured those scared you so bad you ran to a country that's never heard of cosplay.

Either way though it doesn't matter what the reasons are, its awesome to know your still alive let alone back with us.
Pickled Patriarch
Apr 8th, 2011, 07:21 PM
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 9th, 2011, 02:05 PM
I've been locked up in that kids basement for two damn years. She is harsh!
Psychedelic Jesus
Apr 9th, 2011, 06:44 PM
I have been reading this site since 2004. Never registered. Until now.

Because I had to tell you how much I missed you. So glad to see your funny, horrible words again, Max. It's been too long.
filthiest soap dish
Apr 10th, 2011, 05:50 AM
I really hope you mean a different "basement" than the one she's packing "down there". Anyways, I knew you couldn't resist coming back even with your sexual identity crisis revolving around your meth addiction. Glad to know you're at least doing well?
Apr 11th, 2011, 06:25 AM
Heck I just thought you were gone for two years because you were putting together Barry Bonds' perjury trial defense and now that you had all your ducks in a row and it was actually going to trial you had some spare time to drop in for a bit.
Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2011, 11:00 AM
I had just assumed that you fell victim to the great hooker uprising of '09. At least zombies never give you gonorrhea.
Forum Virgin
Apr 15th, 2011, 05:35 AM
I think the reasons he's not telling us is that h doesn't remember where he's been these last few years. He just now woke up in Tijuana with a bad hangover and a new tattoo that vaguely resembles Madonna naked.
'StraY Dog'
Apr 19th, 2011, 02:30 AM
Good to know you're back from living it up in Hawaii after robbing us all blind!
Did you manage to get BRAND MAX BURBANK stapled to every streetlight, and cheap hooker standing under said light?
Strange blob from beyond
Apr 26th, 2011, 02:08 PM
I heard you had become fabolusly wealthy after answering an email from the nigerian national lottery and finding out you had won!
Forum Virgin
May 7th, 2011, 10:27 PM
After like four or five years of lurking, I registered an account just to say that I-mockery feels a little more whole again with Max back in the saddle. It's just a shame that they found our hideout in Pakistan...

Maybe now I'll stop being a dick and actually contribute to the community.

Maybe not.
High Priest of Burbank
Jun 16th, 2011, 10:31 AM
The Messiah! He has returned!

Strange blob from beyond
Sep 2nd, 2014, 04:40 PM
Obviously he got captured again

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