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by: Protoclown

I've already discussed how much I hate the Superbowl on here, and why. I don't need to repeat myself explaining why I hate those goddamned waste-of-time commercials that everyone else seems to think are so funny. However, there is one good thing about those commercials, and that is the fact that they are seen by literally every man, woman, and child on the planet. Yes, even ones who are in a coma. Subliminally. Wait, I think I mean osmosisly. You know what, it doesn't matter, just accept that it's a scientific fact and let's leave it at that. The point is, a lot of people see those commercials. And therein lies a great opportunity. A chance to fuck with...well, nearly everyone! A chance for your message to be heard! You're never going to get a larger captive audience to subject to... WHATEVER YOU DESIRE!

"But Protoclown, buying Superbowl ad time would require millions of dollars!" you say, or I imagine you saying just as I imagine that you're actually going to read past "by: Protoclown" up at the top. Aha! But that's where I reveal to you that the most crucial part of my idea hinges on the completely remote never-gonna-happen chance of you winning the lottery! See, the Superbowl just came and went this year, so it's too late for any of this now anyway. But now you have an entire year to prepare! Surely you can win the lottery in a year if you play hard enough! And that gives you plenty of time to prepare whatever footage you want to have broadcast to millions upon millions of people. And don't even stress yourself out trying to come up with ideas, because I just so happen to have a list of suggestions you could waste your money on for next year's Superbowl:

Instead of putting your bad sketch comedy videos on You Tube, why not pay to force the entire nation to sit through your lame idea of what's funny? You'll go from 23 views to over 100 million in the blink of an eye! And they won't even have the power to click on "add reply" and write a scathing comment about how lame you are! They'll just have to sit there and take it!

A music video comprised of scenes showing cosplay nerds dressed as sci-fi, fantasy and anime characters, juxtaposed with scenes of football fans dressed up in their favorite player's jersey, homoerotically painted with bodypaint in their team colors, etc. Have some moving piano music playing in the background and at the end, have it fade to black followed by the text "Nerds or jocks: an obsessive loser is still just a loser".

That guy on the left must be a Raiders fan
Test Yourself!
Can you spot where the Batman villains end and the sports fans begin?

Play a few minutes of your ex-roommate's (you know, the one you didn't like who ate all your pop tarts and that one morning you woke up and were really hungry for pop tarts and there weren't any and you vowed at that moment that he would rue the day, oh yes, he would rue the day?) sex video he made with his girlfriend that you "stumbled across" that Saturday afternoon you spent completely rummaging through his room. If you thought that "wardrobe malfunction nipple disaster" a few years back was bad, wait until you see how they freak out about this! And who are the prudish prude prudey masses going to blame? Not you. No sir, you're anonymous! They're going to blame your ex-roommate! Haha! That'll teach him to wash the dishes next time, that bastard!

Create a fake commercial for a product that doesn't exist, or better yet, a product that does exist, but make outrageously false claims about the wonderful things it can do. Imagine the disappointment people will feel when they drop everything and rush out to the store to buy a brand new internal combustion nose hair waxer only to find out that such a thing DOES NOT EXIST! Imagine them running out to buy Coke Zero only to realize that it DOESN'T CAUSE ERECTIONS AT ALL! And if you use a real product, IMAGINE GETTING YOUR ASS SUED OFF ABOUT IT! Okay, admittedly, that one's not really that fun to imagine.

This one requires more money than God, because it involves buying the entire second half of the football game itself (not the commercials), but imagine this, if you will: viewers flip back to the Superbowl after avoiding whatever the "official" agonizing halftime show was, only to find that the entire second half of the Superbowl has been preempted by recorded footage of the NES classic Tecmo Bowl being played. Make sure you get at least one friend to join you in recording over-the-top annoying commentary of the game before the footage is broadcast. Discuss it as if it's the real Superbowl and nothing has gone wrong. You think Osama bin Laden is going to be Public Enemy Number One after you pull a stunt like that? I don't think so. I guarantee you're going to adopt the mantle of "most hated human being on the planet" after this (proving my theory that sports are even more important than things that actually matter to most Americans), so do everything you can to disguise your identity.

FACT: Watching a game of Tecmo Bowl is FAR more entertaining than watching the actual Superbowl
Fun Fact!
There are exactly four people in the world who would actually be completely fooled by this.

Got someone you don't like? Of course you do! TELL THE WORLD by issuing forth a paid statement about how much that person sucks! Studies show that this is best accomplished by sitting in a library of leather-bound volumes wearing a smoking jacket and puffing away on a pipe. The speaker should look engrossed in whatever material he or she is engaged in reading, only to look up a few seconds into the video as if they are surprised to have company. After a few moments of speaking they should stand up and walk around the room, leaning awkwardly on various furniture pieces as they talk, but looking oddly comfortable as they do so. If you follow those steps to the letter, whatever you say will be taken completely seriously, and everyone will know right then and there, unequivocally, how much that person sucks. NOTE: This approach can also be used to rant about a pet peeve, or to simply get something you need to say off your chest.

Record your very own rap video! Rapping is easy, anyone can do it! I mean, they're not even singing, am I right? You can turn yourself into an overnight sensation by blowing the minds of the nation with your lyrical "skillz". And if you can "bust a move" and show off some sick choreographical skillz, all the better! Don't know what to rap about? Popular topics include: cars, bitches, a lengthy explanation of whose ass you're going to "bust a cap" in and why, science made easy by breaking it down with colorful lyrics, religion, hyping oneself, computers, the fight that almost broke out in the shopping mall that time but the security guard ran up and stopped it, and extolling the virtues of your preferred political candidate running for office.

You know all that angsty teen poetry you couldn't get anyone to listen to back in high school and you tried to read it that one time in a coffee shop but they ended up closing early and you have a sneaking suspicion it was because of you? Well, now's your chance! They can't run and hide now! Well, okay, they can, but they're probably aren't going to run much further than the kitchen, and THEY MAY STILL BE ABLE TO HEAR SOME OF IT! Better yet, read someone else's angsty teen poetry, if available.

Last but not least, dress up as Cobra Commander (rag or helmet is up to you, but I myself prefer the rag for public addresses) and create a short video where you make a public announcement to the PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Make sure you edit a bit of static at the beginning of your video so it looks like Cobra Commander cut into the broadcast on a pirate frequency. If you can actually cut into the game about thirty seconds before the next batch of commercials are supposed to start, that'd be better still. From there you can do anything you like, from making lame threats about how you're going to conquer the world by replacing all the fish in the ocean with ROBOTIC FISH, to (and I prefer this one for next year) announcing your candidacy for the 2008 Presidential Election! Of course, this is a little risky these days, because what is quite obviously a joke would probably be taken as an act of terrorism, and you'd have your ass sent to Guantanamo Bay if they ever found out who you were. But can you really put a price on fun (excepting the millions it would cost you to get the ad on TV in the first place?)

Obviously, you would look a little less cartoony, but every bit as hardcore serious.

Alright, I've given you some ideas, but the rest is up to you. You've got an entire year to make good on these ideas, so start buying up some lottery tickets as soon as possible and begin to work on your lyrics, or script, or whatever. Also, if people would like to donate money to me, you have my word that I will most likely spend it towards this cause! Let's do what we can to make next year's Superbowl commercials worth watching (or at least one of them anyway).

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Public Restroom Etiquette

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