Q:
Is looking at internet pornography a sin?
A: Yes and no. In the church of mockery, it IS a sin to look at porn...
well, at least porn involving the opposite sex. We all know Jesus was gay... and thus, it was obviously God's intention for all of mankind to "get some action from the back section". So in conclusion...
Q:
What is the goal of the Church of Mockery?
A: We'd love to say that we're here to clean up the internet by removing all the racist / prejudicial / homophobic / uptight / religious assholes that are out there spreading their propaganda in order to make the masses more like them (Well, yeah, actually that is why we're here!)
After, why would any of us want to worship a god that acts like those brainwashed lunatics? You can help us clean up the internet by
reporting these "biblaholics" to
us. We will then sound out hordes of carnivorous sea otters to destroy them all in the name of Mockery!
Q:
Is it true that God hates "fags"?
A: Yes, god cannot stand "A bundle of twigs, sticks, or branches bound together." That's absolutely true.
Q:
How many times will the Church of Mockery forgive me for my sins?
A: In most churches, they'll forgive you for your sins... I mean, compared to the daily raping of the altar boys in church, your sins probably don't even come close right? Well here at the Church of Mockery we simply DON'T CARE about you or your sins. But if it makes you feel better, you may confess your sins to
Father Bastard. He's not a father (except for a few kids he conceived while on tour with Motley
Crüe as their head Roadie, but the DNA tests have yet to be conducted, so he completely denies it) but he is a bastard. He'll listen to your questions and tell you you're going to hell or something along those lines... maybe then you'll think twice before you decide to whine about your "sins" to a complete stranger.
Q:
I thought that all christians were morally perfect?
A: Yeah, after they've repented for the 20,000th time. It's easy to call yourself "perfect" when you can just confess your sins and be "reborn" again every other week. Nobody's perfect, morally or otherwise. So if you think going with any church other than the Church of Mockery is going to make you a better, more perfect person... get a clue. A Wendy's Triple-Cheeseburger combo is probably the closest thing to "perfection" that you'll find on this planet. And eating those masterful creations is a daily celebration of all members of this church!
Q:
There's Christians, Muslims, etc. etc... so what do
those who subscribe to the Church of Mockery call
themselves?
A: They call themselves "human beings"...
you should try it sometime. We have no need to classify
ourselves. And what's all this "subscribe" crap?
Are we a fucking magazine? NO. You won't be getting a
"free football phone and swimsuit issue" from us
pal.
Q:
How can I link to the Church of Mockery from my site?
A: We're not here to give you an html tutorial pal,
you can figure that out on your own. But if you would like
to use an image to link to the Church Of Mockery, save
this one and upload it to your server:
right
click to save this image
then link it to www.i-mockery.com/church
Q:
I require healing. Can your staff use the power of the Lord to heal me?
A: Of course. The members of our church utilize the healing power of laughter. All we need to do is blindfold you and stand you in front of our congregation so that they can laugh at you for trying to
receive medical treatment from a church instead of a hospital. This is a good time to point out that tithes are non-refundable.
Q:
Ok, I want to be a part of this church, so who do I worship as my God?
A: Beats the hell out of me... worship whoever/whatever you want. It's not our job to tell you who you are, what your beliefs are, or what you should do with your life. You've got parents for that.
Q:
What about the Bible? Shouldn't I read and obey it?
A: The Bible? Plbth! Just pick up a steamy romance novel and a bottle of Jack Daniels if you want a truly "religious experience".
Q:
Are the Amish right about shunning technology?
A: Yes, and since you used your computer to ask that question, you must now go through an hour of
flagellation to reflect upon what you've done. We at the Church of Mockery would do this ourselves, but some of our members have had 'control problems' in the past.
Q:
I saw a bumper sticker that read "Jesus Saves". Exactly what does he save?
A: Money and lots of it. Where else do you think all those tithes go? Jesus is living it up in a 6-story home in the middle of Manhatten. He's got the place filled with gold-plated floor tiles, 3 swimming pools, narcotics, and more high-priced hookers than you can shake a crucifix at!
Q:
Do you at least have some Holy Water in your church?
A: Yeah, kinda. We just refer to it as "The Punchbowl"... and Father Bastard has been known to spike that punch on a regular basis, so be forewarned.
Q:
What about the animals? In the Bible, it always talks about
sacrificing animals and eating them. Isn't this wrong? Shouldn't we be kind towards ALL of God's creatures?
A: No. In fact, the Bible doesn't really stress meat-eating enough. Unfortunately, the old section on vegetarianism was lost from earlier editions of the book. In actuality, vegetarianism is a terrible, terrible sin. There were originally 11 Commandments, but Moses dropped the extra tablet, and the TRUTH about vegetarianism was lost forever. UNTIL NOW! If you are a vegetarian (or God forbid, a vegan) repent your evil ways at once! God made these delicious creatures out of meat for YOU!
Q:
Do you have any patron saints? You know, like the Patron Saint of Travel?
A: Well, we've got a guy named Ralph. He's our janitor, and we call him the Patron Saint of Clogged Thrones.
Q:
The other day my wife and I were travelling, and she suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. Should I be worried about this?
A: That depends. Do you like salt?
Q:
I thought I saw the Virgin Mary appear on my toilet paper the last time I wiped my ass. So I kept that toilet paper and now people from all around the world pay me come to show them the image of Mary in my feces. Is this normal?
A: Who cares if it's normal or not. Hey, if you can make money off of your shit, then more power to ya pal! You're an inspiration to us all!
Q:
The other day, I stoned a gay person to death. Does this mean I'm going to heaven?
A: Yes. You're going to Gay Heaven, where you'll get to crawl around on your hands and knees in a gimp suit and become personal "bitch" to a 500 lb. hairy man named Renaldo. Ain't payback a bitch?
Q:
Why am I going to hell?
A: Because it's a lot better than hanging out in a place called "heaven" where you sit on a cloud, and listen to harp music 24/7 while being completely surrounded by assholes who spent their entire lives talking about how "evil" everybody else was.
Q:
I want to go to an abortion protest. Which side should I take?
A: Go to an abortion clinic where they're having a big protest, bring a folding chair, some drinks (maybe something with an umbrella in it), and find the dividing line between the two opposing groups. Set your chair up on the sidelines RIGHT on the dividing line, kick back, sip on your drink, and watch the fun. Whatever you do, reveal NOTHING of your opinion on the issue. If someone approaches you to discuss abortion, change the subject to something else. Just sit there smiling and sipping on your drink. You'll drive both sides completely mad! Hours of entertainment!
Q:
Why is it that every major religion claims to have "exclusive rights" to "the truth"? How can each one be right?
A: Basically, all the major religions of the world say THE SAME DAMNED THING. But you see, they can each make a lot more money if they're constantly fighting one another and trying to steal converts from the other opposing groups. Think of them as large corporations. In other words, stay away from all of them as much as you can, and trust NONE of them.
Q:
What is the Church of Mockery's position on speedos?
A: Wear one, and we'll cut your dick off.
Q:
What is the Church of Mockery's position on bikinis?
A: Wear one, and we'll cut your dick off.
Q:
I reckon I heard that the Bible says I can beat my wife if she don't obey my wishes. Is this true?
A: No. To repent from your horrible sin of complete idiocy, you need to chain yourself naked to a cactus for twelve hours while your wife rapes you in the ass with a swordfish and sands your nipples.
Q:
I have tried choosing the correct Holy Grail on the Holy
Grail page here and I keep getting sent to hell! Which
one is the REAL Grail!?!?
A: YOU IDIOT. This is the Church Of Mockery. You
should have known from the beginning that there is no
"Real Grail". All the Grails are false and will
send you to hell, which is just where you belong for being
such a sucker.
Q:
I'd like to see a long line of "good, upstanding, moral" Presidents like George W. Bush in our country's future. What can I do to help facilitate this?
A: KILL YOURSELF.
Q:
None of the answers above have answered MY question!
A: Awww, poor baby. We're sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around little fucking
YOU. Go ahead and fill out our question form
and if you're lucky, we'll answer it instead of beating you to death with a rusty pogostick.
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