GOD.
Hi! Just checked out your ‘site’ and ‘LOL’, as the kids say! No one
needs a good laugh more than Me, and if I can’t laugh at Myself, who
can, know what I mean? What with you having been created in my image
and all. So, keep up the good work, Podners!
I can call you ‘Podners’, can’t I? Of course I can. Because that’s what
we are. Partners in this vast, wonderful Creation. You, your readership
and really, humanity in general, have a vital role to play. I gave you
souls, free will and the ability to laugh so you could look upon the
universe and call it good, just like I did when I made light. All I ask in
return is that you love each other, try to do your best, and seek Me in
whatever way seems to work for you.
I’m kidding of course.
I already know everything in store for each and every one of you and I
knew it from the instant time began. You’re predestined, as hard wired
as the lowliest Amoebae and every one of you reading this right now is
on the express bus to Hell. If you were going anywhere else you
wouldn’t own a computer, much less be ‘surfing the web’. ‘Props’ for not
being on a porno site for once though. Just click ‘back’ when you’re
through reading.
Don’t feel too bad. Statistically, the chances you were going to end up
doing eternal laps in the Lake of Fire were pretty good anyway. Why?
Because only one world religion is True. That’s right, one. That means
almost everyone born throughout time has a confirmed reservation in
the Bottomless Pit of Despair. Fail to live by the One True Religion’s
exacting rules, and hey presto, Pig-like Demons tear out your
entrails and eat ‘em right in front of you, over and over,
and it never stops, and you never get used to it. Which religion is The Truth?
Wouldn’t you like to know? I’ll give you a hint. It’s Snake Handling.
You knew I was joking, right? My sincere hope is that folks who worship
me by jiggling around with venomous snakes, drinking poison and what
all will check into a nice, cushy lunatic asylum ASAP. Because when
they die they’re going straight to a place that makes getting bit on the
face by a Black Mamba look like Prom Night, know what I’m saying? I think you do.
Well, I hope you enjoyed your little laugh fest. Hell, come back as often
as you like. Damned is damned, it’s not like you can get any more
damned than you already are. Trust me. I’m God. Surf away. Not that it
matters all that much. In about 18 months a huge magnetic pulse is
going to irreparably crash the whole net as a precursor to... well, that
would be telling. Let’s just say I recently built a whole new wing of Hell.
It’s going to get mighty crowded pretty soon.
Sincerely,
GOD
P.S. You might want to get that lump on your neck checked out. Unless
you’d like to beat the rush.
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