Got an Axe to
grind? Well you've come to the right place. In this section we will
cover some of the most important guitars (aka: "axes".
pronounced as "aaaaaahhhhhhhxes") that a TRUE Metal Maniac
should possess. Without owning each and every one of these guitars,
you might as well pack up your bags, move to the mountains, play
folk songs and eat granola for the rest of your life. With that
being said, here's the axes!

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Ah yes, here we have
the infamous "5-Neck Flaming Whore"
axe.
No TRUE Metal Maniac would have this baby missing from his/her axe
collection.
Each guitar is tuned down 5 octaves from the previous one above it.
The bottom one sounds quite reminiscent of the intestinal track of
Jabba the Hut.

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This item is a one of
a kind: "The Severed Head Of Jerry Garcia"
Axe.
We actually had to dig up Garcia's grave to create this baby.
Now before you ask "Is it for sale!?!?", we have to tell
you now that it's NOT.
We're quite proud of this axe... it might be our finest one ever.
Still you can make an axe like this one. Simply find any drugged out
hippie and chop his head off. Hollow out the inner skull, and cram
it onto the neck of your axe!

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"Satan's
Inverted Bastard Pentagram" Axe is for only the toughest
metal maniacs out there: Pansies need not apply. This axe was given
to us by Satan himself. Weighing about 200lbs and burning at about
1000 degrees, you have to not only be big, but you've got to be able
to take the scorching pain your fingers will endure while playing
this. Try playing a solo on this axe and your fingers will be worn
down to the bone!

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Yes indeed, we all
know that you can't be a TRUE Metal Maniac without having a REAL
AXE. How else are you going to dwell in the pits of hell? You
need to have your mighty axe to swing like a god as you chop down
the demons of hell... as well as any record label that won't sign
your shitty band that doesn't practice nearly enough.

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click to enlarge ]
And finally we have
the "Sawtar", not to be confused with
the Sitar.
It's perfect for those shows where the fans give you shit for not
practicing enough.
If some drunk idiot mouths off to you, just shove this baby right
into his jaw and
you won't hear another peep from him because he'll be too busy
choking on what's left of his mouth. (note: you'll have to change
strings after each use of the Sawtar).
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