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There are a
lot of things one needs to know before he or she can truly claim to
be a "Metalhead". In this section of the Metal Mockery
pages, we will cover all of the "do's" and
"don'ts" of becoming a "Metalhead". We have gone
through great lengths to capture many metal maniacs and pseudo-metal
losers in action.
Here we have 4 guys
that obviously don't have girlfriends. But that's "ok".
These lads make love to each other in the pale forest moonlight. But
first comes their "metal mating ritual". This ritual
consists of swinging mighty swords and axes at one another until
someone surrenders. The one who surrenders first is labeled
"bitch", and is spanked accordingly with firewood that was
previously chopped down by their mighty axes. Once the firewood has
enough skin on it from "the ass of the bitch" it will then
be set on fire and the gods of the Norse will grant each of them 1
hour in the sack with one another. Have fun boys, and watch where
you swing that big-assed sword!
Here we have a couple
of cute snow fairies, who once a year congregate in the same spot to
create "snow angels" with their axes. They believe that
this gives their axes the power of pixie dust, granted from the snow
god "Frosty the Snowman".
An offering of friendship to you! These lads haven't seen daylight
in years, and since they've been living in a cave they're quite
timid to see anybody. So don't make any sudden moves because it
might frighten them. Just accept the skull from them and gnaw on it
for a little bit. This will make them feel more comfortable around
you. Once you have been accepted by them, they will invite you into
their cave. There, they will make sweet love to you while reciting
really bad 6th century poetry.
The Book of The Dead.
This quartet stumbled on it while roaming the enchanted forests of
Santa Monica, California. Little did they know that upon opening the
book they would all become hypnotized and would be damned to write
horrible music for the rest of their lives. An added unforeseen
curse from the book was the extended length of their ass-hair. Yes,
each member of the band now has ass hair that is long as the hair on
their heads. It's ok though, the Agony of Ass-Hair will soon prove
to be some great lyrical material for them to cover on their next
These chumps have seen
one George Romero film too many. Sorry guys, but smearing fake blood
all over yourselves and expecting it to scare us off just won't cut
it. GWAR is already the king of using fake (and probably some real)
blood. And you don't even have the cool props that they do. So it's
time for you to drop the act and just go back to your jobs at
Starbucks. Maybe you'll even come up with a new drink:
Ah yes, as tradition
would have it, after every metal show the band must make an arduous
journey to Taco Bell to dine on the mighty sacrificial burritos with
hot sauce. Watch out though, that indigestion can be a bitch!
After every metal show
this band likes to have quite the little orgy. All the band members
have sex with the virgin wenches (virgins? shyeah right!). However
as you can see in this photo, the band members have become bored
with the virgins and have now decided to start having intercourse
with one another. Just look at that guy in the back! He's ripping
off his clothes to expose his "gimp" underwear and now
he's going to have intercourse with his band mate's head! Rock on
you metal gods you!
(for those of you who were hoping to see nudity in this photo, yes
we blurred it out on purpose. Anytime we can piss off desperate
perverted fucks like you makes us laugh with all the glee in the
Here we have a
Norwegian Pond Elf. This little bugger is found near most ponds and
creeks and he dines on maggots and grubs while singing his sweet
metal interludes. Watch out though, if you come near him, he's
likely to beat you with his pan flute!
Yes here we have the
official Ouija Board for any true Metal Maniac.
Only difference with this board is that you don't all put your hands
on the centerpiece to see if it moves. No, no, no... you must put all
your penises on the centerpiece and then ask the Ouija board a
question and it will magically begin to move as your penises throb
with excitement! Great fun for any metal band!
There's nothing more
fun than taking a romantic boat ride through the "Tunnel Of
Love" at Disneyland. The band here is seen posing after going
through the ride 50 consecutive times. They were eventually kicked
out of Disneyland for "indecent exposure" in the Tunnel Of
Love. Oh well, back to the land of the ice and snow, boys.
"Back off man!
The power of Metal is contained within this spiked club that was
given to me by Bjorgin Shnorgin, the Norse God of Rectalium, and I'm
not afraid to use it!" Unfortunately for this chump, I have a
50-caliber Desert Eagle. (click... BLAM!)
Scottish? NO. Loser?
Look at the gold on
this guy shining bright as can be.
Sorry pal, but only ONE man is allowed to wear that kind of bright
and obnoxious gold. That man is Mr. T! And he doesn't pity your
pasty white ass!
In fact, he's coming for you and he's gonna pistol whip you and set
your dick on fire!
click here to go onto the NEXT page
to learn how to be a TRUE Metalhead!