Features
by: -RoG-
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M.U.S.C.L.E.
- Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking
Everywhere. Figures 101 - 125 |
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Lionheart Number: 101 Description: One day the creators of M.U.S.C.L.E. came up with a genius idea: "Say, let's put the head of a lion on top of a completely generic looking body!". And thus, Lionheart was born. |
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Super-Hero Shawn Number: 102 Description: Shawn is determined to fly just like a super-hero. So, he took a blanket and wrapped it around himself like a cape and then jumped off a 20-story building. Now he eats peas through a straw. |
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Hollow Head Number: 103 Description: Just like the name implies, Hollow Head has... are you ready for this... A HOLLOW HEAD! Don't try punching him in the face, it'll just go right through him! He's a tricky one, that Hollow Head... |
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Mr. Snoot Number: 104 Description: He hangs out at the country club. He plays golf all day long. He's a member of a "wine taster's club". He enjoys talking about his "portfolio" and reads the Wall Street Journal. Someone kill him. |
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Terri-Bull Wannabe Number: 105 Description: This guy for some reason always wanted to be just like Terri-Bull. In fact, he stalks him and is trying to take over his life. It's kind of like the movie "Single White Female", only this little bastard really isn't much of a threat to the real Terri-Bull. |
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Heavy Metal Number: 106 Description: This poor guy figured that if he wore enough metal nobody would be able to hurt him. Unfortunately, the metal weighs so much that he can't even move. We don't even know how long he's been standing there. Hell, he might even be dead for all we know. |
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Mr. Blocky - Inverted Pyramid Version Number: 107 Description: Just when I thought Mr. Blocky couldn't get any cooler, he comes out and turns into a pyramid. And now we know it wasn't the Egyptians that built the pyramids, it was MR. BLOCKY! Mr. Blocky, we love you. You're an inspiration to us all. You're a true hero! |
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Toga Party Tommy Number: 108 Description: Tommy is really embarrassed. He was told that a big "toga party" was going down today, so he got all dressed up in a Toga. Too bad it was a practical joke. You look like an ass, Tommy. |
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Moro - More Attire Version Number: 109 Description: This is just Moro (#27) with some more fancy attire. Perhaps he didn't feel that his previous outfit would get him reviewed in the "Best Dressed" issue of Cosmopolitan? What a loony. |
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MuscleMan - Beaten Badly Version Number: 110 Description: Whoah! Somebody walloped the fiznuts out of MuscleMan (#1)! It must have been somebody pretty strong too. Maybe MuscleMan pissed off Mr. Blocky? Damn, that's gotta sting! |
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Draconian Dominator Number: 111 Description: From the planet Draconia he came to dominate the world of M.U.S.CL.E. And after he had his ass handed to him, he went back to his planet in a body bag. Tough luck, pal. |
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Licky Number: 112 Description: Licky is probably one of the most perverted M.U.S.C.L.E. fighters you'll ever encounter. He doesn't fight his opponents, he just keeps licking them until they give up. Eugh. Sick. |
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MuscleMan - Recovered Number: 113 Description: What the hell!? Does MuscleMan have some super-fast healing powers that we didn't know about? Just a few seconds ago his face was all mangled (#110) and now he's completely healed!!! |
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Papa Bear Number: 114 Description: He's pissed off because somebody was eating his porridge. Now he's come to kick ass until someone 'fesses up. He's also another "ingenious" creation, just like Lionheart (#101). |
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Mr. Roboto Number: 115 Description: "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto! Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto for helping me escape just when I needed to. Thank you! Thank you, thank you! I want to thank you, please, thank you!" |
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Crazy Frank Number: 116 Description: Frank is the deranged brother of MuscleMan (#1). He very well may be the most insane person ever to enter the ring. He's got all the strength of MuscleMan, but unlike his brother, Frank enjoys rubbing peanut butter all over himself while singing opera. |
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Krelby McPeterson Number: 117 Description: Krelby, we see what you're trying to do. You're trying to copy Mr. Blocky (#1) with those rollers on your chest! If Mr. Blocky ever finds out that you're ripping him off, you're dead meat! |
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The "Dumb Blonde Joke" Guy Number: 118 Description: This is that unfunny jackass that every one of us has met. Every single day you see him, he has a "witty" new dumb blonde joke to tell you. He's even subscribed to every single dumb blonde joke mailing list on the web. You've had a burning desire to kill him for a really long time. So my question is: What's holding you back!? |
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Hollow Head - The Early Years Number: 119 Description: This is Hollow Head (#103) in his early years. Just like people who pierce their ears and then stretch out the hole over time, Hollow Head started out with a small hole and slowly expanded it over the years. *Note to the kids: Feel free to try this at home! |
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Stu "The Do" Stronghold Number: 120 Description: Stu is normally a very tame guy. He isn't even that much of a wrestler. But he's really proud of his crazy hairdo. So, when an opponent messes with his hair, he unleashes his inner beast and screams, "NOBODY MESSES... WITH THE DO!!!" and then proceeds to tear them limb from limb and eat their intestines. |
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"Choo Choo" Chucky Number: 121 Description: Ha Ha! I love this guy, he's such a cute little bastard. I don't think he's ever lost a match because all the other fighters are just too amused with his cuteness. "Choo Choo" Chucky runs around the ring while hooting the words "Choo Choo!" just like a Choo Choo train. You go Chucky! You go "Choo Choo" like a mad mofo! |
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Muscle Man - Reminder Version Number: 122 Description: Goddamnit, I'm starting to get sick of you MuscleMan. He just wanted to come back and remind us that he was still here. Well, either that or the M.U.S.C.L.E. creators were short on ideas one day. Wait a minute, that could NEVER happen, right? Pfft. |
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The Health Club Workout Instructor Number: 123 Description: "Ok people! Are you ready to get pumped? Screw those Tae-Bo videos! Break out your Stair-Masters™ and let's get steppin! One-and-two-and-three-and-kick-and-one-and-two-and-three...." |
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Foxy Brown Number: 124 Description: Foxy likes to prance around the ring. He's really quite the showboat. In fact he... ah, who am I kidding? He's simply another extremely boring and generic figure that they threw an animal head on, just like they did with Lionheart (#101). Lazy bastards. |
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Spizzy Number: 125 Description: Spizzy used to work in an old amusement park at "Spizzy's Snowcone Stand". Spizzy was devastated when an undercover news crew exposed the truth about his Snowcones. They weren't made from real snow! They came from ice shavings!!!! |
There's much more M.U.S.C.L.E. madness to see!
[Click to see Figures 126 - 150]
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Reader Comments
Old Comments
-The vollyball(#99) one fits perfectly into the hand(#153) one, and then you can make the hand one throw the vollyball one
-What's the deal with that hole in the chest of almost every Mr. Blocky? I always imagined it must be like his thermal exhaust port, and if anyone hit it with anything he would self destruct
-The rock guy (#23) fit snugly into the wrestling ring holder. So snugly in fact, that if put in carefully, he could not be defeated, if done carelessly however, you would be having to buy a new wrestling ring (I went through 3 after I discovered this fact)
What I learned from this article:
-Ass plants
-Some M.U.S.C.L.E. things have severe emotional issues.
-Seriously, ass plants
Thanks, RoG. A++