Features

M.U.S.C.L.E. Revisited!
by: -RoG-

M.U.S.C.L.E. - Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere.
Figures: [1-25] [26-50] [51-75] [76-100] [101-125]
[126-150] [151-175] [176-200] [201-233]
[Mr. Blocky Tribute]

Figures 201 - 233

Name: Bottle Boy - "Faceless Zit Covered" version
Number: 201
Description: Oh no! What happened to poor Bottle Boy (#185)? Not only is his body covered with giant zits, but his face has been completely removed! What kind of a god allows such twisted genetic mutations to occur in an innocent perfume dispensing M.U.S.C.L.E. character? Bottle Boy, my heart goes out to ya. Get well soon!
Name: MuscleMan - Serious version
Number: 202
Description: Serious Simon (#196) must have rubbed off on MuscleMan (#1), because now he is completely serious too. Not that having a serious face should warrant yet ANOTHER variant of the MuscleMan character. You know, I really should just stop creating profiles for the variations of MuscleMan. I think it's making so angry that I'm developing an ulcer. Damn you MuscleMan! Damn you!
Name: Squorgnip
Number: 203
Description: There's nothing too special about this character, another fairly generic one. But I swear, if I ever have a kid, I'm going to name him "Squorgnip", because that name is just COOL.
Name: T-U-R-T-L-E
Number: 204
Description: T-U-R-T-L-E insists that you put emphasis on the pronunciation of every letter in his name. Why? Well to quote his own words, "Hey, I spent years growing friggin' legs just so that I could compete. When they wouldn't grow, I used a medieval torture device known as The Rack to make 'em stretch out. So the least you unappreciative bastards can do is pronounce my name the way I want you to. It's T-U-R-T-L-E!"
Name: Barry the Chiropractor
Number: 205
Description: Barry, being a generic M.U.S.C.L.E. figure, was never very good at wrestling. In fact, he flat-out sucked. So, rather than have his life terminated early, he became a chiropractor, and a very successful one at that. Whenever one of the M.U.S.C.L.E. fighters has had his spine bashed in a match, they just head on over to Barry the Chiropractor and he makes 'em feel all better. Rumor has it that he's not a legally licensed chiropractor though, so it's not surprising that he's paralyzed a few of the fighters by accident.
Name: MuscleMan - "Pose-Striking" version
Number: 206
Description: Great, now MuscleMan (#1) is competing in actual Muscle competitions. Just what the hell is he thinking? Sure he's in good shape, but a Schwarzenegger he is NOT. Just try putting this "Pose-Striking" version of MuscleMan in your M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestling ring and watch the crap get beat out of him.
Name: Sticky Stonko
Number: 207
Description: Man, I just don't know what's up with this guy. His hands are just like those sticky hands that you could buy for 25 cents at the grocery store. You know, the ones that came in the plastic bubbles and you eventually had to throw them out because they got too many fibers stuck on them and became no longer stick. Well that's basically what Sticky is all about. I think he uses his sticky exterior to glue his opponents to the ground while he beats them senseless. Or maybe he just uses it to hang up wallpaper during his off-time. Sticky Stonko will always be a mystery to me.
Name: Firepits McDonnely
Number: 208
Description: "Ahhhh! My armpits are on fire!!!" Well, he says they are, but they're not literally on fire... they just feel that way to him. You see, Firepits McDonnely has a yet-to-be-classified fungus growing on his armpits. Doctors have tried everything from radiation treatments to luring out the fungus with raw goat meat. Nothing's worked. Sucks to be you Firepits McDonnely. Sucks real bad.
Name: Ernie Urn - "Collected Souls" version
Number: 209
Description: It looks like Ernie Urn (#171) has been pretty busy collecting souls lately! Just look at all the faces of the souls he's collected poking out of him. I told him if he tried a little harder he'd have plenty o' souls in no time. Looks like he took that advice to heart. Nice work there Ernie... don't ever lose your soul!
Name: MuscleMan - "Fed-Up" version
Number: 210
Description: What the hell is this!? Muscle Man (#1) won't even look me in the face now. He's crossed his arms and apparently fed up with me. Well guess what? The feeling is mutual pal. Just because your ego is so huge that you need to have 1235098325 different versions of yourself made into M.U.S.C.L.E. figures doesn't mean we have to like it. So you can cross your arms and throw a "hissy-fit" all you want, it's not gonna change the fact that I'm completely sick of you.
Name: Huggy Hug Huggz
Number: 211
Description: This guy is just a big teddy bear. All he wants is some hugs. Give him a hug and he'll defend your honor for the rest of his life. Shun him, and he'll hug you anyway and squeeze the life out of you. Huggy Hug Huggz, you're a strange fellow... yes indeed.
Name: Ionic Ingleton
Number: 212
Description: Not an easy guy to beat. Ionic Ingleton is made of giant stone columns that can withstand the heaviest blows. But you can often catch him off guard when tourists are crowding around him to take vacation photos of themselves standing in front of his columns. Ionic Ingleton really hates those damned tourists...
Name: MuscleMan - "Cocky" version
Number: 213
Description: When I think of the word "Cocky" a few things come to mind. Number one being yet another horrible Kid Rock album. But right behind it, comes this version of MuscleMan (#1). Look at him. That pose just screams "I'm a cocky bastard!" doesn't it? Plbth...
Name: The Little Knight That Could
Number: 214
Description: Much like "The Little Engine That Could", this lil' fella tries to motivate himself before a fight by saying "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!" over and over again. Well, I'm sorry to report that he sure as hell thought wrong. Don't worry lil' Knight guy! Maybe you can get a job selling cotton candy at some of those renaissance fairs instead. Whaddaya think?
Name: Catastrophe
Number: 215
Description: I don't know what the hell happened to this guy, but it looks like he's been mangled pretty badly. It seems as though somebody rebuilt him using body parts from various other figures. Or maybe someone left two muscle figures out in the hot summer sun one day and they melted together and Catastrophe is the result. I don't think he can speak, but if he could, he'd probably beg you to kill him in order to end his freakish misery.
Name: Slick
Number: 216
Description: Slick wants to be the ultimate ladies man. He wears the finest cologne, buys the most expensive clothes, drives the nicest sports cars, and he even leaves his shirt unbuttoned just a bit so that he can show off his "sexy chest". Shortly after I wrote this, Slick was knocked unconscious, dragged into an alley by muggers who had their way with him and left him cold, naked, and shivering under a cardboard box. I guess Slick isn't that slick anymore.
Name: MuscleMan - "Ass-Plant" version
Number: 217
Description: Ok, now here's a bizarre version of MuscleMan (#1). He's been so busy flexing his muscle's and acting like a hotshot lately that he apparently didn't notice the strange thing coming out of his posterior. Yes folks, it appears as though a plant has been growing out of his ass. MuscleMan has Ass-Plants. I'm not sure, but I imagine that Ass-Plants is the equivalent of AIDS in the world of M.U.S.C.L.E.
Name: Mr. Safety
Number: 218
Description: Mr. Safety is a very cautious fellow. He never goes over the speed limit when driving. He always chews his food thoroughly before swallowing. And he whenever wrestling, he puts on all of the suggested protective gear including a sturdy helmet, cup, and plenty of body padding. Mr. Safety is obviously doing just about everything he possibly can to prevent his own ability to enjoy life.
Name: MuscleMan - "I'M OK! NO REALLY!" version
Number: 219
Description: Nice try MuscleMan. We already know that you have Ass-Plants. Turning around isn't going to hide them. Soon you'll have a huge redwood tree sticking out of your ass. How do you plan on hiding it from us then huh? HUH???
Name: Paper. Scissors. Rock.
Number: 220
Description: Paper. Scissors. Rock. Yes, it's a famous game that we've all played... but it's also this guy's name. He loved the game so much that he actually had his name legally changed to it. He plays about 300 games a day, but he picks "Rock" about 90 percent of the time. So if you're playing against him, just pick paper and you should do just fine.
Name: Mr. Blocky - "Space Ship Commander" version
Number: 221
Description: Ah Ha! In this final version of Mr. Blocky (#3) we learn a little more about his background! He flew over here in his space ship to share his blocky goodness with everybody in the world. Now that his job is done, he will be flying back to his own blocky planet where he will enjoy a blocky good retirement with his blocky wife and his two blocky children. Thank you Mr. Blocky. You've provided all of us with some great times. We'll all miss you. Don't forget to write us!
Name: MuscleMan - "Still In Complete Denial" version
Number: 222
Description: Hey MuscleMan... ASS-PLANTS!
Name: Nigel - "Needs A Haircut" version
Number: 223
Description: Nigel (#176) returns with a slightly modified outfit. While he is obviously focusing on improving his wardrobe, he's completely neglected his hair and allowed it to just grow out and cover up his eyes just about anytime he fights. If you're gonna keep the hair like that, you should go back to playing in Spinal Tap, Nigel.
Name: Hollow Head
Number: 224
Description: And now Hollow Head (#103) returns with a new outfit too. What's up with all these guys changing their outfits? Did they just want to make sure they were remembered because this is the last page on the list of all the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures? If that's the case, that's just lame. If you're a good fighter you'll be remembered, Hollow Head, there's no need to pull stupid stunts like this.
Name: ASDF;LKJ
Number: 225
Description: No that's not a typo, that's actually his name. ASDF:LKJ is not the easiest name to pronounce, but when you're dealing with another generic figure like this, you probably wouldn't bother taking the time to do so.
Name: Crossing Guard Wally - "Back In Action" version
Number: 226
Description: Wow, now this one is a surprise. Crossing Guard Wally (#82) has moved on in his life. As you know, after letting all those kids on the school bus die in a horrible accident he sunk into a horrible depression. Well, he now claims to have accepted that he is only human and is bound to make mistakes. "Everybody deserves a second chance right?" Yes Wally, everybody deserves a second chance in life. In fact, I'll go walk over to the burning corpses of those children that are lying in what's left of a school bus and tell them that they can have a second chance too... as as they come back to love and brush off all the ashes.
Name: MuscleMan - "@#%(*#@%" version
Number: 227
Description: GO AWAY MUSCLEMAN! WE'RE SICK OF YOU! NO, SCRATCH THAT. WE NOW HATE YOU! WE HATE YOU AND YOUR DIRTY ASS-PLANTS! LEAVE US ALONE!
Name: The Executioner
Number: 228
Description: Not really much to this guy, except before he fights his opponents he always says his catch phrase, "I WILL EXECUTE YOU!" Naturally, this causes his opponents to drop to their knees in hysterics. I mean really... I will execute you? That's gotta rank up there in the top 10 worst catch phrases of all time.
Name: MuscleMan - "Exorcist" version
Number: 229
Description: He knows he's got the Ass-Plants and now he's trying to snap his own neck by twisting his head all the way around just like in "The Exorcist". You won't be able to to it like that, you gotta use your hands MuscleMan! All it takes is one quick snap! You can do it!
Name: Horde Trooper - "Really Pissed" version
Number: 230
Description: Oh shit. I think I pissed off the Horde Trooper (#186) when I joked about him bumbling an attack on Castle Greyskull last time. Now he's armed with some kind of giant ball on a rope and he no doubt knows how to use it. It kind of looks like one of those Navy deep sea diver helmets. All I know is, I sure as hell don't want to be beaten to death by it. That would probably be the first time someone has ever been killed by a Navy deep sea diver helmet. And I don't want to go down in the books as the idiot who was killed by one. So Horde Trooper, please accept my apologies. I was only kidding.
Name: Penis - "Wrinkly" version
Number: 231
Description: Looks like Penis (#35) has changed his outfit since the last time we saw him. Changing your outfit isn't gonna stop you from looking like a penis, pal. Now you just look like a wrinkly penis instead.
Name: Alien Walrus Guy
Number: 232
Description: This guy has the best theme song ever. "Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! He doesn't like to eat apple pie! Why oh why? Cuz... he's... Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! He doesn't like to shoot the birdies in the sky! Why oh why? Cuz... he's... Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! A-L-I-E-N  W-A-L-R-U-S  G-U-Y!" See? I told you. Best theme song ever.
Name: Frankenstein's Monster
Number: 233
Description: Man, not the best way to conclude the original run of M.U.S.C.L.E. figures if ya ask me. Frankenstein's Monster? Well, it at least looks sorta like him, and considering how many times MuscleMan (#1) has appeared recently, I wouldn't put something as uncreative as ripping off an infamous Monster past the creators of M.U.S.C.L.E.

This concludes the huge task of giving names and profiles to all the original M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. Yes, M.U.S.C.L.E. stands for "Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere", but it was really only about 233. I guess they were off by a little. Anyway, I never thought I'd finish the list so quickly, but many of you have written in with positive feedback, so it was easy to stay motivated. Thanks for checking it out and keep the memories of M.U.S.C.L.E. alive forever!

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

 

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


The Robo Force That Never Made It!

Reader Comments

Old Comments

Pickled Patriarch
Apr 18th, 2010, 10:43 PM
Since I still get a lot of email about this old M.U.S.C.L.E. toys tribute article from many years ago, I went ahead and put it into the new site template so you guys can finally comment on it here in public!
lurking on the walls
Apr 18th, 2010, 10:54 PM
I remembered that article RoG, freaking classic, it brought back memories of that old NES game. and the Game Cube Remake based off the FOX cartoon
taco loving zombie
Apr 19th, 2010, 12:03 AM
i used to own some of this but it was during my chewing period and they are all chewed up by now right now i have some of the new series that are colored
Sloth, PhD
Apr 19th, 2010, 03:28 AM
I remember finding a ton of these stuck in the ground at a playground. Must've been 20 or 30 of them that had been left there, then got stuck in the mud after a rain. I spent a good two hours carefully excavating them (I cite this as my first foray and initial interest in archaeology).
Forum Virgin
Apr 19th, 2010, 09:17 AM
After seeing the images I go "hey! I remember those, yo.", but for reasons unknown I remember them as "Geminis", must be some name copyright issue thing for the Netherlands then... oh well, now you know!
aint nobody
Apr 19th, 2010, 08:30 PM
Quote:
one of those disturbed kids that enjoyed torturing your figures by removing their limbs and setting them on fire
boy did I ever have a bad habit of doing that
Clap if you love Dynamo
Apr 19th, 2010, 09:22 PM
Things I wondered/noticed about when it came to M.U.S.C.L.E.

-The vollyball(#99) one fits perfectly into the hand(#153) one, and then you can make the hand one throw the vollyball one

-What's the deal with that hole in the chest of almost every Mr. Blocky? I always imagined it must be like his thermal exhaust port, and if anyone hit it with anything he would self destruct



-The rock guy (#23) fit snugly into the wrestling ring holder. So snugly in fact, that if put in carefully, he could not be defeated, if done carelessly however, you would be having to buy a new wrestling ring (I went through 3 after I discovered this fact)

What I learned from this article:

-Ass plants

-Some M.U.S.C.L.E. things have severe emotional issues.

-Seriously, ass plants
Im one good looking Troll
Nov 30th, 2010, 08:27 PM
Dude I like the series they ran seven year ago.Here is one of the villain,his name is Tyranno-Claw
Forum Virgin
Jan 15th, 2011, 11:17 PM
damn i agree with that
Clap if you love Dynamo
Jan 16th, 2011, 07:38 PM
I bet you are a spambot
Cranberry Everything
Jan 16th, 2011, 11:35 PM
damn i agree with that
Clap if you love Dynamo
Jan 17th, 2011, 07:18 AM
Forum Virgin
Jun 21st, 2014, 11:25 PM
PRICELESS - Genius post. I remember these!!! What about the other small little one piecers- that were dressed in army fatigues, and wore sunglasses... what were those called? Soldiers something?

Thanks, RoG. A++

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