 |
Name:
Bottle Boy - "Faceless Zit Covered" version
Number: 201
Description: Oh no! What happened to
poor Bottle Boy (#185)? Not only is his body covered with giant zits, but
his face has been completely removed! What kind of a god allows such twisted
genetic mutations to occur in an innocent perfume dispensing M.U.S.C.L.E.
character? Bottle Boy, my heart goes out to ya. Get well soon! |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - Serious version
Number: 202
Description: Serious Simon (#196) must
have rubbed off on MuscleMan (#1), because now he is completely serious too.
Not that having a serious face should warrant yet ANOTHER variant of the
MuscleMan character. You know, I really should just stop creating profiles
for the variations of MuscleMan. I think it's making so angry that I'm
developing an ulcer. Damn you MuscleMan! Damn you! |
 |
Name:
Squorgnip
Number: 203
Description: There's nothing too
special about this character, another fairly generic one. But I swear, if I
ever have a kid, I'm going to name him "Squorgnip", because that name is
just COOL. |
 |
Name:
T-U-R-T-L-E
Number: 204
Description: T-U-R-T-L-E insists that
you put emphasis on the pronunciation of every letter in his name. Why? Well
to quote his own words, "Hey, I spent years growing friggin' legs just so
that I could compete. When they wouldn't grow, I used a medieval torture
device known as The Rack to make 'em stretch out. So the least you
unappreciative bastards can do is pronounce my name the way I want you to.
It's T-U-R-T-L-E!" |
 |
Name:
Barry the Chiropractor
Number: 205
Description: Barry, being a generic
M.U.S.C.L.E. figure, was never very good at wrestling. In fact, he flat-out
sucked. So, rather than have his life terminated early, he became a
chiropractor, and a very successful one at that. Whenever one of the
M.U.S.C.L.E. fighters has had his spine bashed in a match, they just head on
over to Barry the Chiropractor and he makes 'em feel all better. Rumor has
it that he's not a legally licensed chiropractor though, so it's not
surprising that he's paralyzed a few of the fighters by accident. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Pose-Striking" version
Number: 206
Description: Great, now MuscleMan (#1)
is competing in actual Muscle competitions. Just what the hell is he
thinking? Sure he's in good shape, but a Schwarzenegger he is NOT. Just try
putting this "Pose-Striking" version of MuscleMan in your M.U.S.C.L.E.
wrestling ring and watch the crap get beat out of him. |
 |
Name:
Sticky Stonko
Number: 207
Description:
Man, I just don't know what's up with this
guy. His hands are just like those sticky hands that you could buy for 25
cents at the grocery store. You know, the ones that came in the plastic
bubbles and you eventually had to throw them out because they got too many
fibers stuck on them and became no longer stick. Well that's basically what
Sticky is all about. I think he uses his sticky exterior to glue his
opponents to the ground while he beats them senseless. Or maybe he just uses
it to hang up wallpaper during his off-time. Sticky Stonko will always be a
mystery to me. |
 |
Name:
Firepits McDonnely
Number: 208
Description: "Ahhhh! My armpits are on
fire!!!" Well, he says they are, but they're not literally on fire... they
just feel that way to him. You see, Firepits McDonnely has a
yet-to-be-classified fungus growing on his armpits. Doctors have tried
everything from radiation treatments to luring out the fungus with raw goat
meat. Nothing's worked. Sucks to be you Firepits McDonnely. Sucks real bad. |
 |
Name:
Ernie Urn - "Collected Souls" version
Number: 209
Description: It looks like Ernie Urn
(#171) has been pretty busy collecting souls lately! Just look at all the
faces of the souls he's collected poking out of him. I told him if he tried
a little harder he'd have plenty o' souls in no time. Looks like he took
that advice to heart. Nice work there Ernie... don't ever lose your soul! |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Fed-Up" version
Number: 210
Description: What the hell is this!?
Muscle Man (#1) won't even look me in the face now. He's crossed his arms
and apparently fed up with me. Well guess what? The feeling is mutual pal.
Just because your ego is so huge that you need to have 1235098325 different
versions of yourself made into M.U.S.C.L.E. figures doesn't mean we have to
like it. So you can cross your arms and throw a "hissy-fit" all you want,
it's not gonna change the fact that I'm completely sick of you. |
 |
Name:
Huggy Hug Huggz
Number: 211
Description: This guy is just a big
teddy bear. All he wants is some hugs. Give him a hug and he'll defend your
honor for the rest of his life. Shun him, and he'll hug you anyway and
squeeze the life out of you. Huggy Hug Huggz, you're a strange fellow... yes
indeed. |
 |
Name:
Ionic Ingleton
Number: 212
Description: Not an easy guy to beat.
Ionic Ingleton is made of giant stone columns that can withstand the
heaviest blows. But you can often catch him off guard when tourists are
crowding around him to take vacation photos of themselves standing in front
of his columns. Ionic Ingleton really hates those damned tourists... |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Cocky" version
Number: 213
Description: When I think of the word
"Cocky" a few things come to mind. Number one being yet another horrible Kid
Rock album. But right behind it, comes this version of MuscleMan (#1). Look
at him. That pose just screams "I'm a cocky bastard!" doesn't it? Plbth... |
 |
Name:
The Little Knight That Could
Number: 214
Description: Much like "The Little
Engine That Could", this lil' fella tries to motivate himself before a fight
by saying "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!" over and over
again. Well, I'm sorry to report that he sure as hell thought wrong. Don't
worry lil' Knight guy! Maybe you can get a job selling cotton candy at some
of those renaissance fairs instead. Whaddaya think? |
 |
Name:
Catastrophe
Number: 215
Description: I don't know what the
hell happened to this guy, but it looks like he's been mangled pretty badly.
It seems as though somebody rebuilt him using body parts from various other
figures. Or maybe someone left two muscle figures out in the hot summer sun
one day and they melted together and Catastrophe is the result. I don't
think he can speak, but if he could, he'd probably beg you to kill him in
order to end his freakish misery. |
 |
Name:
Slick
Number: 216
Description: Slick wants to be the
ultimate ladies man. He wears the finest cologne, buys the most expensive
clothes, drives the nicest sports cars, and he even leaves his shirt
unbuttoned just a bit so that he can show off his "sexy chest". Shortly
after I wrote this, Slick was knocked unconscious, dragged into an alley by
muggers who had their way with him and left him cold, naked, and shivering
under a cardboard box. I guess Slick isn't that slick anymore. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Ass-Plant" version
Number: 217
Description: Ok, now here's a bizarre
version of MuscleMan (#1). He's been so busy flexing his muscle's and acting
like a hotshot lately that he apparently didn't notice the strange thing
coming out of his posterior. Yes folks, it appears as though a plant has
been growing out of his ass. MuscleMan has Ass-Plants. I'm not sure, but I
imagine that Ass-Plants is the equivalent of AIDS in the world of
M.U.S.C.L.E. |
 |
Name:
Mr. Safety
Number: 218
Description: Mr. Safety is a very
cautious fellow. He never goes over the speed limit when driving. He always
chews his food thoroughly before swallowing. And he whenever wrestling, he
puts on all of the suggested protective gear including a sturdy helmet, cup,
and plenty of body padding. Mr. Safety is obviously doing just about
everything he possibly can to prevent his own ability to enjoy life. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "I'M OK! NO REALLY!" version
Number: 219
Description: Nice try MuscleMan. We
already know that you have Ass-Plants. Turning around isn't going to hide
them. Soon you'll have a huge redwood tree sticking out of your ass. How do
you plan on hiding it from us then huh? HUH??? |
 |
Name:
Paper. Scissors. Rock.
Number: 220
Description: Paper. Scissors. Rock.
Yes, it's a famous game that we've all played... but it's also this guy's
name. He loved the game so much that he actually had his name legally
changed to it. He plays about 300 games a day, but he picks "Rock" about 90
percent of the time. So if you're playing against him, just pick paper and
you should do just fine. |
 |
Name:
Mr. Blocky - "Space Ship Commander" version
Number: 221
Description: Ah Ha! In this final
version of Mr. Blocky (#3) we learn a little more about his background! He
flew over here in his space ship to share his blocky goodness with everybody
in the world. Now that his job is done, he will be flying back to his own
blocky planet where he will enjoy a blocky good retirement with his blocky
wife and his two blocky children. Thank you Mr. Blocky. You've provided all
of us with some great times. We'll all miss you. Don't forget to write us! |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Still In Complete Denial" version
Number: 222
Description: Hey MuscleMan...
ASS-PLANTS! |
 |
Name:
Nigel - "Needs A Haircut" version
Number: 223
Description: Nigel (#176) returns with
a slightly modified outfit. While he is obviously focusing on improving his
wardrobe, he's completely neglected his hair and allowed it to just grow out
and cover up his eyes just about anytime he fights. If you're gonna keep the
hair like that, you should go back to playing in Spinal Tap, Nigel. |
 |
Name:
Hollow Head
Number: 224
Description: And now Hollow Head
(#103) returns with a new outfit too. What's up with all these guys changing
their outfits? Did they just want to make sure they were remembered because
this is the last page on the list of all the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures? If that's
the case, that's just lame. If you're a good fighter you'll be remembered,
Hollow Head, there's no need to pull stupid stunts like this. |
 |
Name:
ASDF;LKJ
Number: 225
Description: No that's not a typo,
that's actually his name. ASDF:LKJ is not the easiest name to pronounce, but
when you're dealing with another generic figure like this, you probably
wouldn't bother taking the time to do so. |
 |
Name:
Crossing Guard Wally - "Back In Action" version
Number: 226
Description: Wow, now this one is a
surprise. Crossing Guard Wally (#82) has moved on in his life. As you know,
after letting all those kids on the school bus die in a horrible accident he
sunk into a horrible depression. Well, he now claims to have accepted that
he is only human and is bound to make mistakes. "Everybody deserves a second
chance right?" Yes Wally, everybody deserves a second chance in life. In
fact, I'll go walk over to the burning corpses of those children that are
lying in what's left of a school bus and tell them that they can have a
second chance too... as as they come back to love and brush off all the
ashes. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "@#%(*#@%" version
Number: 227
Description: GO AWAY MUSCLEMAN! WE'RE
SICK OF YOU! NO, SCRATCH THAT. WE NOW HATE YOU! WE HATE YOU AND YOUR DIRTY
ASS-PLANTS! LEAVE US ALONE! |
 |
Name:
The Executioner
Number: 228
Description: Not really much to this
guy, except before he fights his opponents he always says his catch phrase,
"I WILL EXECUTE YOU!" Naturally, this causes his opponents to drop to their
knees in hysterics. I mean really... I will execute you? That's gotta rank
up there in the top 10 worst catch phrases of all time. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - "Exorcist" version
Number: 229
Description: He knows he's got the
Ass-Plants and now he's trying to snap his own neck by twisting his head all
the way around just like in "The Exorcist". You won't be able to to it like
that, you gotta use your hands MuscleMan! All it takes is one quick snap!
You can do it! |
 |
Name:
Horde Trooper - "Really Pissed" version
Number: 230
Description: Oh shit. I think I pissed
off the Horde Trooper (#186) when I joked about him bumbling an attack on
Castle Greyskull last time. Now he's armed with some kind of giant ball on a
rope and he no doubt knows how to use it. It kind of looks like one of those
Navy deep sea diver helmets. All I know is, I sure as hell don't want to be
beaten to death by it. That would probably be the first time someone has
ever been killed by a Navy deep sea diver helmet. And I don't want to go
down in the books as the idiot who was killed by one. So Horde Trooper,
please accept my apologies. I was only kidding. |
 |
Name:
Penis - "Wrinkly" version
Number: 231
Description: Looks like Penis (#35)
has changed his outfit since the last time we saw him. Changing your outfit
isn't gonna stop you from looking like a penis, pal. Now you just look like
a wrinkly penis instead. |
 |
Name:
Alien Walrus Guy
Number: 232
Description: This guy has the best
theme song ever. "Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! He doesn't like to eat
apple pie! Why oh why? Cuz... he's... Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! He
doesn't like to shoot the birdies in the sky! Why oh why? Cuz... he's...
Alien Walrus Guy! Alien Walrus Guy! A-L-I-E-N W-A-L-R-U-S
G-U-Y!" See? I told you. Best theme song ever. |
 |
Name:
Frankenstein
Number: 233
Description: Man, not the best way to
conclude the original run of M.U.S.C.L.E. figures if ya ask me.
Frankenstein? Well, it at least looks sorta like him. And considering how
many times MuscleMan (#1) has appeared recently, I wouldn't put something as
uncreative as ripping off an infamous Monster past the creators of
M.U.S.C.L.E. |
This concludes the huge
task of giving names and profiles to all the original M.U.S.C.L.E. figures.
Yes, M.U.S.C.L.E. stands for "Millions of Unusual Small Creatures
Lurking Everywhere", but it was really only about 233. So they were off by a
little. Anyway, I never thought I'd finish the list so quickly, but many of
you have written in with positive feedback, so it was easy to stay
motivated.
Thanks for checking it out and keep the memories of M.U.S.C.L.E. alive forever!
-RoG-
P.S.: Don't forget to check
out the Mr. Blocky
tribute! |
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