Features
by: -RoG-
|
M.U.S.C.L.E.
- Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking
Everywhere. Figures 151 - 175 |
|
 |
Name:
Zogdull Number: 151 Description: Zogdull retired from the M.U.S.C.L.E. world mainly because he was an uninteresting bastard. Now he spends his days going to thrift shops to buy cheap nostalgic items that he can resell on eBay for completely ridiculous prices. Well, it's a living I guess... |
 |
Name:
Ashamed Aaron Number: 152 Description: Aaron is ashamed. Ashamed of his cousin Crossing Guard Wally (#82) for accidentally getting an entire school bus of children killed. Since that accident, he hasn't spoke with Wally and he's changed his name and address. Let's hope for both his sake and Wally's that Aaron decides to patch things up sometime soon. How else are they going to enjoy sharing a nice Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of their family? Come on guys, you can work it out! |
 |
Name:
THE HAND Number: 153 Description: Here we have it folks. The pinnacle of M.U.S.C.L.E. evolution! This was without a doubt my favorite figure out from the entire series. A four-fingered hand that was completely covered with zits! And as if that isn't enough, there's a psycho-angry face on one of the fingers!!! PSYCHO-ANGRY!!!!!! There's just so many ways that The Hand could beat you. He could bite you with his psycho-angry face. He could squeeze you to death with his mighty grip. He could tear you to shreds with his razor-sharp claws. Or he could pop some of his zits and drown you in an ocean of pimple juice. Plus, since he has 4 fingers, he can give you "the bird" with two different fingers! Such an amazing combination of skills and a badass attitude make this guy the KING of all M.U.S.C.L.E. figures in my book. He's probably the only guy that can make the mighty Mr. Blocky (#39) sad. If you have to go up against this psycho, do yourself a favor... RETIRE! |
 |
Name:
Jiglonk Squinguilomonichowitzington Number: 154 Description: Jiglonk prefers that people call him by his first name. Which is understandable, I mean... It's a lot easier to say, "Hey Jiglonk!" than it is to say "Hey Mr. Squinguilomonichowitzington!". How the hell do they even fit that last name on his driver's license!? |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - Country Twang Version Number: 155 Description: MuscleMan (#1) apparently has some country roots in his blood. Every now 'n then he likes to dust off his ol' blue jeans, put on a straw hat, and sit down to a heapin' bowl of grits! Mmm Mmm! He sure do love them grits! Yes siree! Grits and Apple Pie! Yee haw! |
 |
Name:
Sumo Boy Number: 156 Description: Sumo Boy is another M.U.S.C.L.E. tragedy. He's always wanted to become a huge sumo wrestler, but he can't quite put on the pounds. He's got an insane metabolism that allows him to eat food by the truckloads yet still maintain an average weight. Not being able to put on the pounds has brought shame onto him and his family and it is rumored that he has tried to take his own life several times. Don't do it Sumo Boy! We love you! Just keep eating! You'll get fat! |
 |
Name:
Über
Sven Number: 157 Description: Über Sven lives up to his name. He is know for chopping his enemies in half with one big swoop of his giant sword. Then he stands on their corpses and poses like a mighty Swedish warrior giant, hoping that some stupid tourists will take photos of him and stare in awe of his perfectly chiseled manliness. |
 |
Name:
Dino Dean Number: 158 Description: After being tormented in high school with verbal slander such as, "Hey look at the freaky dino gimp!" and "Yo lizard lips!" and "Me Grimlock!", Dino Dean joined the world of M.U.S.C.L.E. to take out his aggression. He also gets pretty hungry sometimes and just eats his opponents. But what did you expect? He IS part dinosaur after all. |
 |
Name:
Gladiator (aka: General Maximus Decimus Meridus) Number: 159 Description: We all saw him in the movie Gladiator. Sure he "acted" like a good fighter in that. But when he landed in the world of M.U.S.C.L.E., the gods taught him a long and hard lesson. That lesson involved several broken ribs, losing all feeling below his neck, and slurred speech. Guess he should have stuck with acting eh? |
 |
Name:
Speedo McFloppy Number: 160 Description: Another pointless generic M.U.S.C.L.E. character. This guy trys walking on the beaches to show off his insignificant manhood. He didn't win any dates there, and he hasn't won any matches in the ring either. I'm guessing that he'll be on a massive drug binge soon enough. What's funny is that nobody gives a damn. |
 |
Name:
MerMan Number: 161 Description: Just like the creature from the black lagoon, MerMan can breathe underwater! Unfortunately, that has yet to be a useful skill in the ring. He gets his stinky fishy ass kicked on a daily basis. |
 |
Name:
Sleazy Egon Number: 162 Description: What a character this guy is. This lil' guy interviews M.U.S.C.L.E. fighters right before their matches, kind of like Mean Gene Okerland did for the WWF back in the day. Only difference is, Sleazy Egon tries to hit on the fighter's dates while the M.U.S.C.L.E. men are duking it out in the ring. Well we're onto your sleazy ways Egon! Some day you're gonna get caught! And when you do, you're gonna receive the beatdown of a lifetime! |
 |
Name:
The Macho Mammoth Marauder Number: 163 Description: Man, for a "Mammoth" he sure is pretty small. Still, he doesn't let his size interfere with his performance in the ring. Those tusks can do some real damage. His only weakness is that he does get distracted when the peanut man walks around yelling "Get your fresh peanuts here!" to everybody in the audience. That always seems to distract him for some reason and it's cost him dearly. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - Um... Another Version Number: 164 Description: Yet another version of MuscleMan (#1) with very little changed. Why they had to make so many of this one guy is beyond me. They could have made another cool version of Mr. Blocky instead, but they took the easy route. Lazy idiots. |
 |
Name:
Helga Number: 165 Description: When Helga isn't milking cows, she's in the ring putting her freakish strength to good use. She's actually finished off some of her opponents by trying to milk them too. A pretty gruesome sight. |
 |
Name:
MuscleMan - No More Damnit! Number: 166 Description: Goddamnit! No more MuscleMan! There was already another one just 2 figures back (#164), so what the hell is going on here!?! They must have hired some shitty interns and let them have a crack at making a few figures. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the absurd amount of MuscleMan figures in this series. |
 |
Name:
Sputnick Number: 167 Description: Sputnick really isn't that much of a fighter. His helmet often covers his eyes so he doesn't even see his opponents coming. His helmet does however pick up XM radio, so he can listen to pretty much any music he feels like while he's getting his ass beat. Which, in a way, I suppose is fairly comforting to him. |
 |
Name:
Shockwave Number: 168 Description: Alright, now we're talkin! This is another one of my favorite guys. Shockwave always reminded me of "Shockwave", the evil Decepticon from the Transformers series. The single eye, the big weapon thing, and completely ruthless. Hell, maybe this IS Shockwave! If that's the case, the other M.U.S.C.L.E. figures had better watch out, cuz this guy can turn into a huge gun. |
 |
Name:
Bobo, The Robotic Cola Machine Number: 169 Description: Ha Ha! It's Bobo! He really wants to be a M.U.S.C.L.E. fighter, but he's just too damned cute. Plus, if you press down the button on top of his head, a soda can pops out of the hollowed area on his chest. His opponents are always taking free sodas from Bobo and laughing at him. He's very frustrated, for a robot that is... |
 |
Name:
Baldy Grumbleton Number: 170 Description: Baldy Grumbleton is sadly another one of those generic M.U.S.C.L.E. figures that offers very little to the fans. Well, he does try to amuse the crowd by letting them rub his head for good luck. |
 |
Name:
Ernie Urn Number: 171 Description: Ernie collects the souls of his opponents after he defeats them by crushing them under his giant urn body. Doesn't look like he has too many souls at the moment. Try harder Ernie! |
 |
Name:
Billy The Kid Number: 172 Description: Not to be confused with the infamous cowboy, Billy The Kid is a freak of nature. With the body of an adult, but a giant child's head, Billy uses his cuteness to throw off his opponents. He'll often cry in fear, and when his opponents come to console him, that's when he kick their ass. I've even seen him puke up some Gerber "Peaches 'n Cream" baby food on other fighters before. Somebody really needs to spank this nasty little bastard. |
 |
Name:
Dirty Hippie Number: 173 Description: Bleh, it's a dirty hippie. "Duuude, like, can I have a toke of that?". I swear he asks every opponent that same question right before they kick his ass. Just WHAT is it that he wants a "toke" of anyway? None of his opponents have anything that he could smoke anyway. Stupid, stoned, stinky, dirty hippie. Take a bath. |
 |
Name:
Moro - Broken Arm Version Number: 174 Description: Oh no! Now one of Moro's arms is in a sling! How the hell did it break!? Did one of the other arms get pissed off and snap it? Did an opponent break it? We may never know. Well, don't fret Moro, you've still got 3 more working arms than most opponents have. You should still be able to manhandle most of them with ease. |
 |
Name:
Penis Head Number: 175 Description: I'm sorry, but at first glance it always looked like this guy had a penis for a head. And that thought will never escape from my mind. I don't even want to think about how this guy tries to defeat his opponents. The world of M.U.S.C.L.E. shouldn't be x-rated! |
There's much more M.U.S.C.L.E. madness to see!
[Click to see Figures 176 - 200]
[Features] [Shorts] [Games] [Comics] [Weeklies] [Blog] [Info] [Store] [Advertise] [Home]
Copyright © 1997-2023 I-Mockery Productions : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent.
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.
Reader Comments
Old Comments
-The vollyball(#99) one fits perfectly into the hand(#153) one, and then you can make the hand one throw the vollyball one
-What's the deal with that hole in the chest of almost every Mr. Blocky? I always imagined it must be like his thermal exhaust port, and if anyone hit it with anything he would self destruct
-The rock guy (#23) fit snugly into the wrestling ring holder. So snugly in fact, that if put in carefully, he could not be defeated, if done carelessly however, you would be having to buy a new wrestling ring (I went through 3 after I discovered this fact)
What I learned from this article:
-Ass plants
-Some M.U.S.C.L.E. things have severe emotional issues.
-Seriously, ass plants
Thanks, RoG. A++