Features
by: -RoG-
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M.U.S.C.L.E.
- Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking
Everywhere. Figures 176 - 200 |
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Nigel Number: 176 Description: Wow, I never knew that Nigel, from the band "Spinal Tap", was into wrestling. But I guess since the band's career starting going downhill, he probably had to find another line of work. |
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Klondular the Barnacle Muncher Number: 177 Description: Klondular is a strange sea creature with amazing strength. Only problem is, he won't fight voluntarily. His trainers discovered that the one thing that motivates him is barnacles. As nasty as it may be, he loves to eat the things. So, his trainers tell him that if he beats his opponents in the ring, they'll give him an entire bag FILLED with barnacles to eat! Well, it's worked so far... |
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Spitty McNibble Number: 178 Description: Spitty is one weird mofo. He waits for it to rain and gathers all the water in his collar. Then, he slurps up the water and spits it out at his opponents. And in doing so, Spitty often receives beatings that would make a Columbian Death Squad wince. |
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Adam Antlerhead Number: 179 Description: Talk about shit luck. Adam was born with antlers. Nobody knows how or why, but it's assumed that one of his parents was a human and the other was... well, you know. I won't go into the details of that horrific scenario. Anyway, Adam lives in the backwoods out in the middle of nowhere. Whenever he goes outside a hunter sees him and takes a shot, mistaking him for a deer. Hey you know, come to think of it, I haven't seen Adam around here in a long time. Maybe someone got him and his head is now a trophy hanging above a mantle. Poor Adam... he will be missed. |
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Elf boy Number: 180 Description: Actually, he might not even be an elf. He could be an alien punk rocker from hell for all I know. The point is, just because somebody plopped a strange looking head on a generic M.U.S.C.L.E. body, doesn't mean it's gonna instantly be an exciting new figure. |
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Cheep Häk Number: 181 Description: Slightly different, but still an obvious MuscleMan (#1) wannabe. I'm starting to think that Mattel hired one guy to make all of these generic figures. The creative department hated that guy too, because while they slaved away to come up with some great characters, all this guy had to do was make a bunch of generic figures from pre-existing molds. I bet he even had a higher salary... |
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Socky Number: 182 Description: Much like "Hanz & Franz" from Saturday Night Live, Socky tries to give the impression that he is a huge muscular guy. Sorry Socky, with a name like "Socky" it's pretty obvious that you stuff your clothes with socks to give the illusion of having muscles. Oh well, at least the socks have proved to be good padding when he's getting pummeled into the ground by his opponents. |
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Hip Clip Number: 183 Description: Hip Clip is a freak of nature. He was born with a head and hands that would normally be used to hang up clothes on a clothesline. But instead, he's turned them into savage weapons. Now he closes them on his enemies as they writhe in pain. Steer clear of Hip Clip, he's quite the evil fighter. |
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Stunto Number: 184 Description: Some M.U.S.C.L.E. fighters are too cowardly to film their own stunts. So they have a stunt-double stand in for them instead. That's where Stunto comes in. He fears nothing! He'll jump into a flaming piranha pit without hesitation. Problem is, his stunts always end up sending him to the hospital for a few months. Still his bravery is admirable (I think) and thus deserves recognition. |
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Bottle Boy Number: 185 Description: I'm not really sure what advantage having a body that's shaped like a bottle can provide. Nonetheless, Bottle Boy's brutish strength has won him many a battle, and rumor has it he's filled with perfume. So once he's done sweating it out with another M.U.S.C.L.E. fighter, he sprays 'em with perfume so their mangled corpse doesn't start to stink up the place. How thoughtful of him! |
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Horde Trooper Number: 186 Description: Whoah! It's a Horde Trooper from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon/toy series! Did he get lost and wander into the world of M.U.S.C.L.E.? Did Skeletor shrink him down and make him pink for fumbling up an attack on Castle Grayskull? Did Mattel just throw him in here to subliminally promote yet another one of their toy lines? We may never know the answer... |
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Mr. Hawk Number: 187 Description: Here's a happy guy! Look everybody, it's Mr. Hawk! He's about as nice as they come. In fact, he's never even fought in a single M.U.S.C.L.E. match. He's too busy having fun flying all over the place. If you're nice to him, he'll even give you a ride for free! |
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MuscleMan Number: 188 Description: Blah, blah, blah... haven't we had enough variations of MuscleMan (#1) yet? Seriously, this has gotten way out of hand. Even he looks kind of pissed that they made yet another copy of him. |
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Baby Spiff - "Triumphant Return" version Number: 189 Description: Yes! I never thought I'd see this lil' guy again, but Baby Spiff (#60) has come back once again to fight for truth, justice, and the Baby Spiffy way! We're all rooting for you Baby Spiff! You go! |
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Cyborg Swordsman Number: 190 Description: He's a cyborg and he's got a sword. If that's not enough to make you cower under your sheets, then perhaps his history of mercilessly chopping newborn babies in half and then eating them will. |
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Hornok Number: 191 Description: Wow Hornok... you've got horns on your head. Is that supposed to scare us? You don't look evil. You don't look powerful. You just look like a fool that's seen one too many cheap horror flicks. |
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Jo-Jo Jagswillian Number: 192 Description: This guy is a riot. He doesn't have any big physical features, but he can talk up a storm! He's like Stan the salesman from Monkey Island. He loves talking. His talking has been known to delay a match for over a week. Oh well, as long as it makes you happy, whatever floats your boat Jo-Jo. |
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Slithery Serpent Number: 193 Description: He's not the best of fighters... hell, he can barely keep his balance on that one tail of his when he's not being punched in the face. Still, don't let this fella catch you off guard. If he does, he'll wrap around you with his patented "death hug" and then it's all over for you pal. Yes siree, he's a tricky one that Slithery Serpent... |
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Statue Man Number: 194 Description: Come on everybody, let's all sing the Statue Man song together! "Statue Man! He stands absolutely still like a statue can! Because he's Statue Man! He doesn't like to eat your Raisin Bran. Because he's not a hungry hippo, he's the Statue Man!". |
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Mr. Blocky - Spinning Top Version Number: 195 Description: Oh... My... God! Mr. Blocky has morphed once again into what is probably his most funtastic form yet: A SPINNING TOP! Not only does he have that great "Mr. Blocky Smile" that we've all grown to love and adore over the years, but now he comes packed with extra fun! Just grab his happy blocky head, give it a quick twirl and away he goes... spinning with all the blocky glee in the world! Wow Mr. Blocky, you have truly outdone yourself this time. We salute you! |
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Serious Simon Number: 196 Description: Simon is not only a generic M.U.S.C.L.E. figure, but he is also very serious. Just try to make him laugh. Tell him the best joke and he won't even crack a smile. Tickle his feet... not even a giggle. How can he seemingly have no emotion whatsoever? Well the truth of the matter is............. he's been dead for 15 years! *gasp* |
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Super Guy Number: 197 Description: Super Guy seems to think that people actually give a damn about him, so he's always posing so people can take photographs of him... even if there's not a camera in sight. Have you no dignity Super Guy? |
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MuscleMan - Vest Version Number: 198 Description: Listen MuscleMan, just because you put on a friggin' VEST doesn't mean you get to have yet another figure of yourself made. Oh wait, I guess it does. I don't know why I'm complaining to you, I should be out hunting for the guy that decided he wanted to make a million different versions of you. Bah, go play with your vest. |
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Baby Moro Number: 199 Description: Awwww! Coootchie coootchie coo! Look at the lil' fella. It's Moro (#27) when he was a just a 6-armed baby freak! What a cute little guy. He could drink a bottle while changing his diapers at the same time. That's one hell of a talented baby! |
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Lippy Bighands - Pre-Lip Removal Version Number: 200 Description: I never thought I'd get to see Lippy Bighands (#29) before he had his lips removed. Maybe now that he has them, we can find out what exactly happened to them. He definitely looks a little smaller than back on figure #29, so maybe his lips were grafted onto several areas of his body afterall? |
There's much more M.U.S.C.L.E. madness to see!
[Click to see Figures 201 - 233]
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Reader Comments
Old Comments
-The vollyball(#99) one fits perfectly into the hand(#153) one, and then you can make the hand one throw the vollyball one
-What's the deal with that hole in the chest of almost every Mr. Blocky? I always imagined it must be like his thermal exhaust port, and if anyone hit it with anything he would self destruct
-The rock guy (#23) fit snugly into the wrestling ring holder. So snugly in fact, that if put in carefully, he could not be defeated, if done carelessly however, you would be having to buy a new wrestling ring (I went through 3 after I discovered this fact)
What I learned from this article:
-Ass plants
-Some M.U.S.C.L.E. things have severe emotional issues.
-Seriously, ass plants
Thanks, RoG. A++