Features
by: -RoG-
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M.U.S.C.L.E.
- Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking
Everywhere. Figures 51 - 75 |
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Spike Number: 51 Description: For some unknown reason, Spike thinks he's a badass. Even when he gets beaten into a bloody pulp and needs a machine to help him breathe, he still thinks he's a badass. Stupid Spike... stupid. |
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Trap-Jaw Number: 52 Description: An average wrestler with one little difference: he's got a huge set o' chompers! They can bite through just about anything, including the juicy pink flesh of his opponents! Mmm juicy! |
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Smashor Number: 53 Description: SMASHOR SMASH YOU! SMASHOR HAVE SMASHING HANDS! SMASHOR WILL SMASH YOUR FACE SO IT LOOKS ALL SMASHY SMASHED! FEAR SMASHOR! SMASHOR WILL SMASH!!!!! |
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Klu Klux Klank Number: 54 Description: Perhaps no single M.U.S.CL.E. figure has taken more beatings than the overweight, racist redneck himself... Klu Klux Klank. He often has to change his sheet, due to constantly wetting himself. |
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Mr. Ordinary Number: 55 Description: Mr. Ordinary doesn't do anything special. He doesn't have any secret moves. He doesn't have any super weapons. He doesn't even make good barbecue chicken. He's very ordinary. |
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Krangala Number: 56 Description: Krangala can breathe under water. This might be useful if a single M.U.S.C.L.E. match took place under water. The only other thing Krangala does well is cross-dress. Yay Krangala! |
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Numba Fiftee Seben Number: 57 Description: Ok guys, we get the picture. You really wanted to drive home the point that MuscleMan (#1) was an important figure. You still didn't have to make so many damned clones of him. |
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Thor Number: 58 Description: Thor probably should have been the leader of the Thug Busters instead of Terri-Bull (#2). I mean, at least Thor doesn't have a broken horn on his head. Well that and he's got a better name. |
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Louie Galfunko Number: 59 Description: Louie Galfunko was always the life of the party. If everybody was feeling down, you could count on Louie to blurt out a great one-liner that would have everyone laughing for hours. I'm sorry to report that Louie wasn't nearly as successful in the ring. |
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Baby Spiff Number: 60 Description: BABY SPIFF ROCKS! Look at him for crissakes! He's got a huge noggin on top o' that lil' body of his! Baby Spiff is out to conquer the world, and by the looks of things, he just might do it! |
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Repeat Number: 61 Description: Didn't I just talk about this guy? Notice the resemblance of him and #57? I hate it when they try to pull a fast one on us like this. We see through your tricks!!!! We wont' give you our money for cheap, duplicated figures!! |
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Shrunken Sheik Number: 62 Description: The name says it all. He was a sheik alright, but he was too small and frail to do any damage. Try packing on a few pounds pal, then maybe you can come fight with da' big boys! |
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Ripped Ralph Number: 63 Description: Ralph is really ripped. Muscles bursting from every single spot on his body. Even his colon is stronger than your biceps. He still gets his ass beat regularly because he's too busy looking at his muscles in the mirror instead of concentrating on the fight. |
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Mr. Blocky - Happy Again Number: 64 Description: Whew, it looks like Mr. Blocky is happy again! We all saw how sad he was as figure #39, but perhaps it was because he lost weight. Now he's back up to his normal weight and he's happy! |
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Studly Dudley Number: 65 Description: Never before has a M.U.S.C.L.E. fighter with such a chiseled look entered the ring. He might not look like much of a fighter, but if you scratch his perfect face, he'll go berserk on yo ass! |
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Men's Warehouse Sales Representative Jack Number: 66 Description: He'll take your measurements and put you in a suit that fits you perfectly. His motto: "You're gonna like how you look, I guarantee it!" Why he prefers to help people find the perfect suit rather than fight in the ring is beyond me. |
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Bill Wachowski Number: 67 Description: Yet again, we are graced with a generic figure that has nothing to offer us. When he's not getting beat in the ring, Bill Wachowski enjoys stamp collecting and bird watching. |
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Emperor Ragnor Number: 68 Description: Bow down before the mighty Emperor Ragnor! I mean really, how can you not? He looks so damned mighty and majestic in that cape! Bow down before Ragnor and ye shall be saved! |
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Chet Number: 69 Description: Chet still wears the number "93" on his chest, the same number which he wore on his old high school football team uniform. But those days have long since passed. All that is left is an empty feeling in his heart as he longs for his glory days. Poor, poor Chet. |
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Moro - Alternate Pose #1 Number: 70 Description: Moro (#27) returns with a slightly different outfit and some new poses for his arms. Wow. How friggin' exciting. Plbth... |
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Torch Number: 71 Description: Well I'll be damned, it's Torch! You remember the Dreadnoks from G.I. Joe right? Well this guy is a dead ringer for Torch! I don't see his oxy-acetylene cutting torch though. Perhaps he's gotten so cocky that he doesn't think he needs it anymore? |
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The Anteater Number: 72 Description: Sure, an anteater doesn't sound very threatening, but be warned! He has killed many an enemy by inserting his tongue deep into their ears and sucking out their brains! What a nasty bastard. |
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Bizzy Grundlewort Number: 73 Description: Bizzy is a proverbial barrel o' monkeys. He runs around the ring yelling, "I AM BIZZY! HEAR ME GO BIZZZZZZZ!" This angers the fuck out of his opponents, and once they're so distracted by their own anger, that's when Bizzy leaps in for the kill! Go Bizzy Go! |
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Spray-O Number: 74 Description: Spray-O considers all of his opponents to be like cockroaches, and he intends to exterminate them all. So, he sprays pesticide in their faces and then mauls them with absolutely no mercy. If you want a badass on your side, Spray-O is your man. |
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Pudgy Number: 75 Description: He's always aspired to become a sumo wrestler, but Pudgy could never pack on enough pounds. Still, he tries to use what weight he does have to his advantage. Keep on eatin' Pudgy! |
There's much more M.U.S.C.L.E. madness to see!
[Click to see Figures 76 - 100]
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Reader Comments
Old Comments
-The vollyball(#99) one fits perfectly into the hand(#153) one, and then you can make the hand one throw the vollyball one
-What's the deal with that hole in the chest of almost every Mr. Blocky? I always imagined it must be like his thermal exhaust port, and if anyone hit it with anything he would self destruct
-The rock guy (#23) fit snugly into the wrestling ring holder. So snugly in fact, that if put in carefully, he could not be defeated, if done carelessly however, you would be having to buy a new wrestling ring (I went through 3 after I discovered this fact)
What I learned from this article:
-Ass plants
-Some M.U.S.C.L.E. things have severe emotional issues.
-Seriously, ass plants
Thanks, RoG. A++