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AGTYASASDGAGEEHAK! (that’s the sound of my mind being blown away)

So we just got our refrigerator. For those of you who don't know, for some bizarre (stupid) reason, refrigerators are considered "luxury" items in California. As a result, at least 50% of the places out here don't come with one, so we had to buy one online. Well, I don't mind that much since the delivery was free and we got to buy a black one. It really should come with a t-shirt that says "my fridge could beat up your fridge" or something. Black refrigerators just look tough. You won't find a soccer mom with a black fridge, no siree! Black refrigerators are owned by Vikings who dive cannonball-style into volcanoes and then rinse the lava off with the blood of their fallen enemies! Yep, that pretty much sounds like me in a nutshell.

Well, one of the things that goes with buying a new fridge is of course buying all new groceries. After the fridge was dropped off, we headed to the grocery store to buy all the goodies we've been missing out on for so long. Re stocked up on her favorite Mrs. T's Pierogies and I bought some ice cream and a block of cheese; two great tastes that probably don't go great together. But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to stumble onto while I was there:


That's right, square bagels. SQUARE BAGELS! It goes without saying that I bought a pack instantly, knowing full well that they wouldn't taste any different. I just wanted to be able to say that I've had a square bagel and that it was tasty as can be. In all honesty, I really think they should call 'em something more catchy. Something like "Thomas' Squagels!" (a 'la David Cross, thank you Jill). Doesn't that sound a bajillion times better than Squares Bagelbread? You're damned right it does! But wait, it's Halloween season on I-Mockery. How can I be talking about square bagels or Squagels or anything like that when I should be talking about Halloween stuff?

Jack-O-Bagel LIVES!
Are you satisfied now?

By the way, sorry about the lack of updates to the blog this week... just been too busy busting my ass on all these Halloween articles as I feel they're more important than trying to update this blog every single day. I'm literally working on about 5 different pieces at the same time while also trying to put up the articles from the other guys and finish unpacking the boxes at our new place. Oh yeah, and also going to DMV... that's always a treat. DMV is where nightmares and stillborn infants come from. Share your worst horror stories from a trip to the DMV. This is as close to telling a story around a campfire can get on the internet, so make it a good one!



Joe Red (Guest) on 09/14/2006 4:40 pm


And by the way, the DMV sucks. I once spent three hours finding out that I didn't even need to be there.


Burble (Guest) on 09/14/2006 4:52 pm

Hell Yeah! I love those square bagels, been eating them for breakfast for about 2 weeks now. They sure as hell don't taste any different but how could you not love a square bagel/squagle?


Smurfwreck (Guest) on 09/14/2006 5:43 pm

We had a fire in our apartment building and even though we were lucky and the fire stopped at the apartment next door we still had to vacate the building. Well the complex was gracious enough to let us have another place with the same lease but now I have to change my address everywhere including obviously my license. So I used my last day off of the year to go down to the DMV, got there when they opened and there was a line to get into the building. I just need to change my address mind you. Well after 45 minutes in line I actually set foot in the building just to find out that the line was about another hour long. It was summer and all the kids were getting their learners or something. When I finally get up to the customer service desk I get handed a number and then I got to sit in a crowded area waiting for some computer synthesized voice to spout out my number so I could go to a desk to pay. 30 more minutes and now the place is really hopping. Finally get called, pay, and then get sent over to the line to wait for a new photo (mine wasn’t on file, yeah me.) 20 more minutes, I'm breathing hatred for the human race, I take the worst photo of my life, get handed a hastily made laminate card and I'm on my way out. When I get back in my car I notice the corner of the laminate is up a bit, and like any natural idiot I tug it a little and watch in horror as it so easily separates from the card obliterating the computer printed photo and info. I just destroyed my own new license. That I waited in line for, for like sixty days. I've been using my old once since, I refuse to go back. Oh and the lady at the photo thing had a HOOK FOR A HAND, OH MY GWAD THE HORROR. Seriously, true story. Except for the hook. That just made it pure campfire.


jill (Guest) on 09/14/2006 5:57 pm

David Cross wuz here


ty22 (Guest) on 09/14/2006 6:22 pm

What's the DMV?


-RoG- (Guest) on 09/14/2006 6:45 pm

Smurfwreck, good story and way to wrap up your DMV tale with the classic "hook" line haha. Your tale sounds a lot like what we went through on our recent visit, well except for the part where we had to run back home to get a different form of ID so Re could prove who she said she was. Apparently a birth certificate and all the other forms of ID she had on her just wasn't good enough.

Burble, I believe it's physically impossible not to love a square bagel.

Jill, I just looked it up and you're right, David Cross has talked about Square Bagels before. Good call! I gotta get his comedy CD sometime.

ty22, Department of Motor Vehicles. Also known by fans of Primus as how you spell Hell.


James (Guest) on 09/14/2006 8:37 pm

A square bagel? Heresy I say!

We must find these bagel changing heathens and force them to rectify their squarish sinnery!

They do look good though, maybe they should come out with Halloween "squagles". Eating a square bagel with bloody food coloring would be great.


Aks (Guest) on 09/14/2006 9:15 pm

Ahh crap I have no DMV stories. BUT there was this comedian on Sirius Radio and he made fun of it awesomely. I dont remember his name but he said in the future everything will be fast. Like cars get you to work in 1 second and your out of work in like 5 seconds. But he said at the DMV its still long. Like it takes 15 seconds to get out. "HEY I GOTTA GET TO WORK IN 3 SECONDS COME ON!!!". Priceless. But I dont know his name and it was a really funny act. If you know his name or have heard of his stuff you should listen to it sometime if you get the chance. Just sayin though.


LoneWolf (Guest) on 09/14/2006 11:09 pm

Found this on MSN and figured you'd want to see it, seeing as you hate this casting choice.

Heath Ledger, who is playing the Joker in the upcoming Batman film “The Dark Knight” says he “actually hate comic book movies, like [bleeping] hate them. They just bore me [blank]less and they’re just dumb.” But he agreed to play a villain in this one because, he told DarkHorizons “I thought what Chris Nolan did with Batman was actually really good, really well directed, and Christian Bale was really great in it.” His Joker is “going to be less about his laugh and his pranks and more about just him being a just a [bleeping] sinister guy.”


Shadow40000 (Guest) on 09/14/2006 11:11 pm

You're working on 5 projects?!

Good job dude! Keep up the good work!


Angryhydralisk (Guest) on 09/14/2006 11:34 pm

Here's a toast to multi-tasking. And an un-toast to Heath Ledger being a shithead. And hoping that the picture of a sign depicting Kentucky's wierd-assed weather comes out good.


vctreality (Guest) on 09/15/2006 11:37 am

When I lived in VA I went to the DMV in Norfolk to get my car titled and get plates. I got there and the line was out the door and around the side of the building. After waiting for an eternity I found that the first line is simply a "take a number" line where they ask you what you need and then sit you down to fill out forms while you wait for your number to be called. My number was called fairly quickly but I hadn't finished the form. The man at the counter, obviously annoyed at my evil lack of form filling speed, very nearly commanded me to take my seat and finish. There were no seats left. I had to stand until one opened up. I stood for about 10 minutes and then sat for another eternity. When I was finally called again and we spent 15 minutes filling in the information in the computer, he took my checkcard and wandered to the back with it. He then proceeded to run around the back room in a sort of panic before he came back out and told me that the system was down due to bad weather caused by the tail end of post-hurricane weather hitting Richmond. I could pay cash or come back another time. If I chose cash, I would have to wait in line again because I would have to leave and find an ATM and if I went back the next day, I would have to wait in line again AND fill out the forms. Dane Cook was right...the DMV is Satan's asshole and they should have a guy waiting for you at the door to punch you in the face so that waiting in line isn't so bad after that.


Steve (Guest) on 09/15/2006 12:38 pm

Ice cream and cheeseCAKE go together pretty nicely =P and DMV's are the worst-run businesses ever. The cities believe that a system that works for a maximum of 100,000 people can magically work for 500,000+ people. And don't forget about the entire staff of old people that walk faster than they type, you know, the one's with trifocal glasses. Here's a tip for you people in large cities with long lines at the DMV: go do whatever you need to do in a smaller city. Reduces the wait by at least 2/3!


John Cassisi (Guest) on 09/15/2006 8:34 pm

DMV is the absolute darkest crevasse of all of the horrors and evil things mankind has created in it's fruitless quest for effeciency. FFFRRRROOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTLLLLLEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!

P.S i have to get my bleeping learners permit in november.uuugggghhhhhh...........


Eli (Guest) on 09/19/2006 10:04 am

When I was a little kid I remember going to the DMV with my Dad who lives in a small town in Georgia. You'd be seen right away, and I remember my mom always complaining about the DMV and never understanding what the big deal was.

I, unfortunately, live in Norfolk, VA which is about a thousand times bigger than Effingham, GA.(Yes, that's the actual name)

I went to get my permit back in June and arrived a half-hour BEFORE the DMV even opened and STILL had to wait in a long line just to get a number.

Oddly enough, there are 15 places for DMV workers but only 3 were open.

There were no seats and no clipboards left so I began to fill out the paperwork on an empty table. But then the bitchy security guard snapped that I needed to, "FIND A SEAT!!!" (not that I can really blame her for being pissy- who'd wanna be stuck in the DMV all day?)

I finally got a seat then got a clipboard about 2 hours later so I could fill out the paperwork.

When I was called up the lady kept on saying I needed a picture ID although I had my birth certificate, ss card, and my mother with me. I didn't even own a picture ID, which took about 10 minutes to explain to the retarded lady at the desk.

I had to wear my glasses for the vision test but the lady was really stupid and kept saying, "You do realize I'll have to put a restriction on your license?"

...well no shit. I'm going to be wearing them anyway. She then suggested I should Just try the test w/o my glasses (WTF?).

I decided to humor her and looked in the vision thing at the blurred letters I couldn't read and repeated the letters I'd just said a few seconds ago.

"Well, look at that- you can see!" she said. Really? Gee, thanks lady! You cured me! :D

I then had to wait to take the test for about 30 min. and then wait for my picture.
I waited for a half hour but there were still about 2 people before me and they weren't calling any names for awhile so I went to the bathroom for about ONE MINUTE and when I came out they had apparently taken 2 pics and called my name so I was put at the bottom of the list and had to wait another 40 min.

I finally had my permit (no restrictions- but don't worry I'm not going to be driving w/o my glasses) but I've lost ~5 hours of my life that I can't get back.


wheels (Guest) on 09/25/2006 12:41 am


god i love david cross.


Heroingirl (Guest) on 09/27/2006 8:25 am

Yeah i can tell you that DMV's all over the world are no better! in NZ you have to set aside one whole day (six to eight hours i discovered) just to get your car WOF (Warrent of fittnes) and pay your road users tax! woah they make you wait ages and then as a reward they kindly let you pay them for the plesure!
I realy hate the DMV


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