It was bound to happen sooner or later, what with products like Halloween Soda and Halloween Tacos coming out in recent years, and now the moment has arrived: Halloween now has a toothpaste. Believe it or not, the Colgate company has just put out a new line of "Wicked Watermelon" flavored Halloween toothpaste that comes in two different glow-in-the-dark seasonal containers. One's a jack-o-lantern, the other has ghosts flying all around it.
You know what I think of when picturing wicked things during the Halloween season each year? Watermelons. I mean, who wouldn't, right? Watermelon is just as synonymous with Halloween as peppermint bark is with Labor Day Weekend. Pumpkin spice? Nah! Candy apple? Pfft! Give me watermelon on devil's night, so that I may defend myself by spitting seeds at all the ghouls who try to swallow my soul.
More importantly, raise your hand if you associate the refreshing act of brushing your teeth with the flavor of watermelon. Doesn't everybody? The scent of watermelon wickedly overpowers your nostrils the second you pop open the container lid. And the flavor... my god, it is so incredibly strong when the green / turquoise paste hits your taste buds. The only thing I can equate it to is that it must be just like what brushing your teeth with a watermelon Jolly Rancher candy melted down to liquid form would feel like. It just feels wrong... wickedly wrong. It's seriously hard to imagine something that tastes like this is actually cleaning your teeth instead of rotting them away with every stroke of the toothbrush.
And speaking of wrong, you see how both of the packages claim to glow-in-the-dark? Yeah, about that...
As you can see, one of these packages lives up to its claims... while the other on the left is a bold-faced liar. I'm looking at you, smiley jack-o-lantern tube of watermelon flavored toothpaste. You're not fooling anybody. I held both of them up against a bright light for a good 60 seconds, and the pumpkin just isn't glowing at all. So either this one is defective, or somebody at Colgate screwed up and was hoping nobody would care enough about Halloween toothpaste to complain.
On the plus side, while only one of them actually glows-in-the-dark, both tubes of toothpaste look absolutely fantastic when backlit. With that eerie green glow, I'm not sure if these are these holding toothpaste, or if they contain liquid Satan just like in my favorite horror movie, John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness. Pray for death!
Now I could've just ended this entry on that note, but then again, it's not every day one gets to test out watermelon-flavored Halloween toothpaste. Naturally, this calls for some Halloween toothpaste art:
I decided to use the toothpaste to draw a simple jack-o-lantern, but controlling the drip was far more difficult than I had anticipated, and getting the teeth to look decent was damn near impossible. They don't even look like teeth... it just looks like he has some kind of horrible, swollen gum disease. But oral agony aside, it still turned out okay.
Now I understand why Pollock made big, beautiful messes on the canvas instead of detailed figures. Speaking of which, has anybody laid claim to be described as the "Pollock of freeform toothpaste art" yet? If not, I'm totally calling dibs on that title. That could be my easy ticket straight to those highfalutin art gallery shows with wine and cheese and people wanting to pay me a bajillion dollars because I decided to splatter some green toothpaste onto a sheet of paper, tack it to a wall, and call it art. Yesiree... that'd be the good life. And the good life would smell like watermelons.
***CONTEST*** It's time to stop brushing your teeth and to start putting toothpaste to good use for a change! Using whatever varieties of toothpaste you have at your disposal, create some kind of Halloween picture on a sheet of paper. It doesn't matter how bad you think the toothpaste art looks, just make sure it has a Halloween theme of some sort. I'll be judging these solely based on creativity and not your technical skills as a toothpaste artist. Once you've created your piece, take a photo or two of it and send it in .JPG format to me along with your title for the piece. Submit your entries via email to email@example.com with the subject line "I-Mockery Halloween Toothpaste Art Contest". All entries are due by Sunday, October 7th.
All entries will be put on display here on I-Mockery in a special Halloween toothpaste art gallery along with whatever titles you give them. One lucky winner will receive a special Halloween care package from yours truly. You can enter as many times as you like and this contest is open to everybody around the world, just make sure you have your entries turned in no later than Sunday, October 7th. Good luck to all who enter!
I'm sure you know that Halloween III: Season of the Witch is one of my all-time favorite horror films for a variety of reasons, but up until now, it has never received a release that would make you think they cared about it. That all changed when I saw Shout Factory's (or as they call themselves on Halloween, "Scream Factory") artwork for the new "Collector's Edition" Blu-ray & DVD coming out this month. Check this out:
Does that not absolutely embrace everything that's awesome about the movie? Look how Conal Cochran is hovering above everyone, acting like the evil puppet master that he is, preparing to play the ultimate trick on the children of Halloween while his robots wait silently below. Fantastic. I also love how they made it looked like an aged, folded promo poster, as if it came straight out of an old VHS rental store back in the eighties. I'm sure they still have to go through some "final processing" before they can release these Silver Shamrock approved discs, but I simply can't wait to get my hands on 'em. I'm sure they'll have a time getting it here.
They have some other great looking releases too, including Halloween II, The Funhouse, They Live, and The Island among others. Take a look:
It's nice to see these seemingly unappreciated movies getting the love that's been due for decades, so kudos to Scream Factory for making it happen and to Nathan Thomas Milliner for a job well done on the artwork. I've also heard that they're working on releasing a collector's edition of Phantasm II, so let's hope it happens, cuz we can all agree that one is loooooong overdue. Boyyyy!
Are there any horror flicks finally coming out on DVD that you're excited about or any that you're still waiting to see get a proper release? If so, lemme know!
So I found quite an amazing little gem of a monster toy at the Rose Bowl Flea Market not too long ago. I had been walking around in the blistering sun for a few hours and then I saw it: Bionic Bigfoot ready to burn rubber down the highway in his own special drag racing vehicle!
For those of you who aren't familiar with Bionic Bigfoot: The Sasquatch Beast, he was a character that appeared in a few episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man. More importantly, he was originally played by none other than Andre the Giant. In other words, Bionic Bigfoot is the greatest sasquatch in pop culture history. I'm sure you love Harry and the Hendersons 'n all, but as much as you may adore that flick, it didn't feature a bionic sasquatch... let alone one that was portrayed by Andre the Giant. That said, I certainly wouldn't mind seeing him in a buddy cop flick with Suburban Sasquatch. I'd call it Copsquatch. You can't tell me you wouldn't pay top dollar to see a monster movie like that.
In his first slow-motion, sound effects riddled encounter with Steve Austin, Bionic Bigfoot uproots a tree and pummels him with it. Then his arm gets ripped off and he still manages to jump over a lake. I can't jump over a lake with both arms. Bionic Bigfoot is better than me and he's better than you. This is a monster character who clearly should be brought up in conversation at least once per day during the Halloween season. It's your duty to figure out how to make this happen and then report back to me about how said conversation went down. Here's one example:
CVS Pharmacist: "Hello. Are you here to pick up a prescription?"
Me: "I'll say! I need some serious pain medication. I fell off my bike and now my entire body feels like it was pummeled by Bionic Bigfoot!"
CVS Pharmacist: "Bionic who?"
Me: "Bigfoot! You know, the huge beast from the Six Million Dollar Man show back in the seventies?"
CVS Pharmacist: "Sir, I'm 19 years old, have no idea what you're talking about, and my boss is getting mad at me because there's a long line of customers forming behind you."
Me: "Well let's get that line moving then... we wouldn't want your boss to go all Bionic Bigfoot on your ass!"
Make it happen, people.
Now I had been hoping to find a Bionic Bigfoot toy at a flea market for quite a while, so stumbling on this particular one (in such good condition no less) really made my day. If you're wondering why he's on that little drag racer, it's because he was originally part of a Six Million Dollar Man dual launch drag racing toy set. You would pump up Steve Austin's vehicle along with Bionic Bigfoot and then let 'em rip see who would win in a drag race to the death. My money's on the sasquatch. Always a safe bet. Besides, his ride appears to be powered by jet engines, so you know this monster beast is one hell of a mechanic. I'll take his ride over the DRAG-U-LA or the Munster Coach any day of the week.
Just the idea of a sasquatch in a drag race, especially a bionic one, is pretty amazing to me. I guess if you can't settle your differences by pummeling the Six Million Dollar Man with a tree, you can always challenge him to a drag race.
Ahh, the monster toys of yesteryear... so much right in so much wrong.
Come to a Halloween party and have lots of fun, when witches ride brooms and pumpkin-heads run! When bats fly through the skies and monsters crave blood, when we watch cheesy horror movies including one called C.H.U.D. When vampires awaken and mummies crawl out from their tomb, when zombies eat brains to seal your doom. It's that time of the year when a lagoon creature rips out your spleen, yes my beloved ghouls... it's time for Halloween!
This is it. This is our time of the year. You know it and I know it. This is when life gets infinitely more awesome for a solid two months, because the world around us turns its focus onto jack-o-lanterns, horror movies, creepy crafts, haunted hayrides, spooky decorations, candy, and everything else that matters most.
September 1st marks the beginning of I-Mockery's annual "Two Months of Halloween" celebration. Everything you see on this site between now and October 31st will be related to all the Halloweeny horrors you could possibly desire. Just by reading this, you're already a part of our ever-growing Halloween family, so hang around and get ready to have some spooktacular discussions with your fellow fiendish freakozoids.
As you probably already know by now, we always pride ourselves on going crazier over this holiday than any other site ever has, so we've got all sorts o' bone-crunching goodies planned for the 2012 Halloween season here on I-Mockery. We'll have coverage of various haunted Halloween attractions, horrific novelties, my huge annual round-up of the best & worst Halloween candies, horror movie reviews, new videos, craft projects, toy features, contests, and all the other wonderfully random oddities we stumble upon over the next two months.
Still, if any of you have suggestions for Halloweeny things you'd like to see covered this season, please let me know here in the blog thread or shoot me an email. It doesn't matter if it's a Halloween event taking place in your area, a horror movie, an independent seasonal costume shop, some new candy, or some completely bizarro new Halloween novelty... I wanna see and hear all about it, so please get in touch!
To those of you who aren't well acquainted with our annual Halloween celebration here on I-Mockery, I always highly recommend checking out some of our main Halloween attractions. We have a huge reservoir of Halloween material on this site from previous years, so while you wait for our newest pieces to go up, I highly recommend checking out those older things to get in the spirit of the season.
-I-Mockery's Halloween Collection: Here you'll find quick 'n easy access to most of our Halloween material from the past. Extremely in-depth horror movie and candy reviews, product reviews, and of course the boppin' Halloween adventures of Count Pop himself along with other oddities.
-The Halloween Grab Bag: Much like our "Shorts" section, this is a place where you'll find our smaller Halloween articles, but often covering some of the weirdest stuff we've ever stumbled upon.
-The Greatest Horror Movie Moments: Another favorite is our ongoing quest to document some of the finest moments in horror movies. Sometimes they're moments you're well aware of, other times, it's stuff you probably never knew existed. Either way, if you're looking for some horror movies to check out this season, this is a great place to start.
-Trick-Or-Treat Adventure: Our largest Flash game to date... and it's all about Halloween. If you're a fan of classic adventure games such as Monkey Island and Space Quest, you'll feel right at home with this one as you go on an adventure to build a Halloween costume and then collect enough candies before you battle the ultimate evil! It even auto-saves your progress as you go play, so you don't have to beat the game all in one sitting.
-Haunted House Candy Hunt: In this Halloween flash game we pay tribute to the games of the Atari 2600 by creating an all new one in the same style. You must guide two buddies (who just so happen to be from a galaxy far, far away) through all the treacherous rooms of a spooky haunted house as they hold hands. Should you reach the end of the game, you'll have a showdown with the ultimate candy hoarder - The Grim Reaper himself! I've also heard from a reliable source (ie: myself) that there's a secret level select hidden somewhere in the game. But you don't need that anyway, right? Cheater!
-MonsterTime: With our most recent Halloween flash game, we pay tribute to the arcade classic BurgerTime. Only difference is, instead of building burgers, you're building classic monsters to save you from the modern slasher monsters who are in hot pursuit of you, Doc Mock!
-Doc Mock's Movie Mausoleum: Doc Mock, I-Mockery's official horror host, is still looking for a new home to shoot his show in, but we have over 30 archived episodes you can still watch online. If you're looking for a good cheesy b-movie flick, check out some of the Doc's episodes, including his Halloween specials from 2009! Doc is planning on hitting up Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights once again this year, so expect coverage of that too!
In addition to a ton of new feature articles, you can still expect our regular site updates to the Blog (don't forget the archived Halloween blog entries from years past). We've also got some great Halloween contests in store for you to participate in as well. I-Mockery's big 2012 Halloween season has finally begun and I hope you guys will stick around the entire time to join in all the fun!
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