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Obligatory New Year’s Eve Thread.


Ok, it's that time again for you to spill ye beans about what your plans for New Year's Eve are. I'm sure some of you are already too inebriated to comment, so you can always report back to us in a few days once your hangovers have disappeared. Hope you all have a dandy ol' time tonight regardless of whether you're out partying like a maniac, curling up in bed and reading a good book or watching some of your favorite cheesy flicks. As always, thanks again for sticking with I-Mockery for yet another year! See you guys in 2009: The Year of the Ox. (more...)



In Which I Make Reference To The Recent Scarcity Of Me.

Ho Ho Ho

Gentle reader, you may have noticed I have been absent more than present recently. In fact, I think I may have begun my last ‘Blog entry’ with similar words, and I’d know if I could be bothered to look it up, which I can’t, though it would be easy as ‘pie’, which ought to give you some idea of how much I ‘care’.

If memory serves, the last time I wrote this sort of introduction, I blamed the decline of my fecundity on ‘difficult’ events that had taken place in my ‘personal life’ that were none of your ‘business’. Since that time several more ‘events’ of a difficult nature have take place that have made me nostalgic for previous unpleasantness, have indeed lent to those previous unpleasantnesses the ruddy glow sometimes associated with the cheeks of happy Sunday School Children. This second set of events are even more none of your business than the first set. For those of you entertaining the notion you know what I am talking about, let me say you are almost certainly misinformed, owing to both your inherent, amiable gullibility, and the wealth of misinformation regarding my circumstances as easily plucked from the internet as village idiots pluck spoiled fruit from beneath trees. Unless you are thinking of reports involving a certain species of Japanese giant salamander and damage to my left testicle, which are for the most part true, except it was my pituitary gland, damage to which turns out to be more crippling, but less funny. (more...)



Christmas Aftermath 2008.

So much time spent wrapping gifts, only to have them torn to shreds in a matter of seconds.

Alright, you guys know the routine. Post what gifts you received over the holidays this year so we can all be extremely jealous. I'll post my haul in this blog thread soon, but since my birthday is coming up tomorrow, I figure I'll post it all together because people often do the ol' "Oh this present is for Christmas AND your birthday!" thing. Honestly, that part doesn't even bother me... especially since I believe I made out like a bandit this year. What does bother me is that most people are out of town and/or busy with holiday stuff when my birthday rolls around each year. That's the part that truly sucks about late December birthdays. I think I gotta start making a habit of celebrating it in January or something.

Alright, on with the gifts! Post lists of whatcha got and feel free to include photos of your Christmas holiday hauls! (more...)



The Greatest Gift Of All: No More Head Cold! Thank You Santa.

You don't want to see what the reindeer look like. Trust me.

For the past week and a half, I've had one of those ultra-annoying head colds that can render a person completely useless because you're far too preoccupied with draining gallons of snot from your skull every five minutes to get any real work done. Fortunately, it's Christmas Eve and the I have finally defeated that bastard head cold with an onslaught of orange juice, soup and honey-lemon Cold Eeze drops. I was starting to worry I wouldn't get to finish my big He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special article on time, but I managed to wrap it up in the last 24 hours so I hope you guys enjoy it. While Halloween will forever be my favorite holiday, I really like Christmas a lot with its inherent cheesiness and I wish I could've enjoyed it more this month. But hey, it's never too late to start.

Now that I'm healthy again, Re and I are going to the grocery store today and we're going to attempt to make some of her favorite Ukrainian family recipes: Cheese Rolls (blintzes) and Pierogies. It's like I'm trading a cold for a buttery heart attack. If that food doesn't finish me off, I have a ton of Christmas cookies and candies to surely get the job done.

I'm also happy to report that I finished all of my Christmas shopping on time as well. I swear, I feel like I'm single-handedly keeping in business this year. That's not to say I haven't braved the real world retail shops. Despite all the ridiculous people traffic, I always venture out to the stores at least a few times come December each year. There's just a certain charm about seeing all the holiday decorations and every "As-Seen-On-TV" product known to man resurface around this time of year that makes it all worth it. I know it probably sounds absurd, but Christmas time is one of the few times of the year that can even make a trip to CVS sound like an exciting adventure.

Anywho, whatever you're doing this Christmas, I hope you all have a spiffy one and thanks again for spending some o' your holiday season with us once again. I'll be back in the next day or two so we can all discuss how we made out with Christmas gifts and strategies for getting rid of those nasty fruitcakes among other things. Now if you'll excuse me, I've just popped in Billy Idol's "Happy Holidays" album and there's a box full o' limited edition Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints with my name on it. Christmas is awesome.

Survey #1: Are there any special holiday meals in particular you plan on making or indulging in?

Survey #2: What holiday movies are you definitely gonna be watching during the next 24 hours?



A Healthy Dose Of Holiday Cheer.

My eyes are red because I am possessed by THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!!

December 1st arrives, and in my little corner of the world, a coworker has promised (not threatened, promised) to bring in all kinds of stupid little holiday-themed noise makers, dancing animatronic Santas and penguins that sing about a jingle bell sockhop or some shit, simply because she knows how much it annoys me. Elsewhere, a Wal-Mart employee is trampled to death by a wild, rabid herd of normally slack-jawed, placid cattle, temporarily roused into an unfamiliar state of frenzy as they salivate over unimpressive "bargains" they could find any time of year if only they weren't too lazy to hunt for them. Elsewhere, a child cries, as a man in a trenchcoat hides a paper bag filled with warm shit inside a McDonald's, underneath their Christmas tree display. A nun walks down a busy city sidewalk, set suddenly ablaze by a faulty string of Christmas lights; unhinged from their rooftop support, they swing down like a pendulum of fiery electrodeath and engulf her in their holiday cheer. And within an uncomfortably close walking distance from your home, a clown dressed like a hobo, or perhaps a hobo dressed like a clown sits, muttering and shaking in piss-stained trousers next to a half-empty bottle of brandy, clinging to a candy cane as if it were life itself, or the memory of a pretty girl he once knew.

These are the scenes in my Christmas nativity. Okay, so that doesn't really make sense, calling it a nativity, since it has nothing to do with birth, but it sounds better than "Christmas diorama", so just work with me, will ya? (more...)



Looks Like Christmas Came A Little Early In Gingerbread Man Land This Year!

Only YOU can prevent gingerbread rape.

So Re and I were at the grocery store the other day when we stumbled upon this amazing sight. We simply couldn't believe it. No, your eyes do not deceive you - this is indeed a Gingerbread Man Rape. You can forget about those traditional nativity scenes with the baby jeebus... this will now forever be the centerpiece of my Christmas holiday seasons!

Ok, so I'm sure you're wondering why the hell a grocery store would sell such a thing or why anybody would even make it. Well, the truth is, this isn't what was intended, it's just how it was left out on display in the grocery store. It's actually a novelty holiday wine bottle holder, but whoever put it out on display in the store clearly had different intentions. Without a wine bottle in place, we see nothing but hilarity and horror as a helpless little gingerbread man is being raped from behind. To add insult to injury, while being raped, the little guy is being forced to stare at the bare ass of the gingerbread man in front of him who is absolutely elated about the successful raping and humiliation taking place. Ah rape... isn't that what the holidays are really all about? (more...)


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