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Gymkata has arrived on DVD! The skill of gynmastics. The kill of karate!

My friends, it is time for us to rejoice, for the movie which we all joined together to vote for a release in's DVD Decision 2006 has finally arrived: Gymkata!

Truly a thing of beauty, it is. GYMKATA ON DVD!

It pleases and amuses me to no end that I-Mockery's readership could sway the voting results in something like this in order to get one of the most hilariously cheesy films ever created finally released on DVD. They even kept the awesome original poster art for the cover on the DVD which features Kurt Thomas kicking two ninjas, one of whom is armed with a gun. It just doesn't get any better than that, folks. Give yourselves a hearty pat on the back, for you've done good! I hope you all enjoy watching the skill of gymnastics and the kill of karate in the near future.

The distributor also sent me a some copies of the Gymkata DVD to give away to you guys in a contest! Pretty spiffy, eh? And what better way to let you guys compete for copies of the DVD than with a Photoshop / MSPaint /art contest involving the lonely Flag Ninjas from the film?

Poor flag ninja. So bored. So lonely. :(

The contest is simple: All you have to do is photoshop or draw a Flag Ninja into another scenario where his flag holding skills would come in handy. For example, you could make the guy who holds the checkered flag at the end of a car race look like a ninja. I'm sure you can come up with better ideas than that though. You can use screenshots of the Flag Ninja (here and here) from the actual movie , draw your own custom flag ninja, or you can even use this pixelated video-game styled Flag Ninja sprite that we use as an emoticon on the I-Mockery forums:


The choice is yours, but don't feel like you have to be an art major to win this thing. We'll be judging the contest primarily on humor. To enter the contest, simply email your Flag Ninja image(s) to by February 25, 2007. Please make sure all images are in .JPG or .GIF format and no larger than 500k. Do not post your entries here in the I-Mockery Blog, but if you have any questions feel free to post them here. And yes, you can enter as many times as you like. The more Flag Ninjas the merrier. Once the contest has ended, myself and the other writers will judge the entries and then post them up on I-Mockery for all to see (yes, ALL of the entries will be posted on the site, the winners and the losers). The top 2 entries will each receive a brand new copy of Gymkata on DVD! So get crackin' on those Flag Ninja pics and the pommel-horse action of Gymkata just might find its way into your hands for free in the near future!

For those of you who don't plan on participating in the contest, I hope you'll still pick up a copy of the DVD when it comes out next Tuesday (January 30th) to show your support for cheesy classics like Gymkata. If you don't, a flag ninja just might have to pay you a little visit and set you straight.


Aiiieeeee! The forum is down!

Actually, the I-Mockery forum is being upgraded to a different software which is gonna be a lot nicer. Don't worry, all of the posts and user accounts have been saved. For those of you who haven't joined in the I-Mockery forum discussions yet, however, it will be the perfect time for you to do so when this new one launches in the next 24 hours or so. Why? Well aside from the nice new setup, we're going to be integrating user accounts on the new forum with a lot of the new features that the main I-Mockery site will have. More on that later.

In the meantime, forum regulars, feel free to use this blog thread as your temporary forum / chat home. Woooooooooo!


Ask the Magic Date Ball!

Have you noticed lately that all of the shelves in stores are taking on the nauseating color of pink? While I'd like to say it's because they have an abundance of Pepto, the truth is that Valentine's Day is drawing closer. And though we'll all be seeing overpriced candies and plush toys with hearts 'n mushy messages plastered all over them for a while, it doesn't mean we can't sit back and laugh at the companies who try to cash in on the season with their crazy shit. And I have the first item of the season:

The Magic Date Ball! From the makers of the Magic 8 Ball!
The Magic Date Ball!

Yes, for some reason, Mattel decided to remake their classic Magic 8 Ball for Valentine's Day by painting it pink, covering it with glitter and changing the answers it gives to your "yes" or "no" questions. They do mention on the box that it is "for entertainment purposes only" so you know somebody tried to sue them at one point because the 8 ball gave them some bad advice when they were betting on a horse down at the race track. It's a sad, sad world we live in.

Uh, thanks?

Sometimes the Magic Date Ball will give you answers which have a little heart graphic on them, but other times you get stuff like "I don't know!", "How should I know?" and "I'll tell you later". In other words, this ball is far more indecisive than the original. But hey, it's got glitter, right?

I've already asked it a ton of questions and it turns out... YES, I am going to be a mega-gazillionaire who will live to be 800 years old and not look a day over 30. So now that the mysteries of my life have been cleared up by the Magic Date Ball, it's your turn!

Ask me any "yes" or "no" question, and I will ask the Magic Date Ball and then post its response to you.

(Post your questions here in the I-Mockery Blog. One question per person please.)


Movies I’ve seen recently

In the past month I've gone out to some movies and figured I'd give ya my thoughts on 'em. Please note that these little reviews do contain some spoilers, so if you haven't seen one of the movies mentioned, you might want to skip reading the review until you do. Anyway, on with the blabber...

For Your Consideration: I love Christopher Guest movies, but I'm sad to say that this was the least entertaining of them all. Sure, Fred Willard's character is hysterical as can be and the entire cast of the film has a lot of familiar faces, but there just weren't nearly as many laughs as I was expecting. One thing Guest really dropped the ball with was the one-on-one interviews. I always loved how in his other mockumentaries, they would often break away from what was going on and have one of the characters just talk about their lives directly to the camera. While it was no "Waiting for Guffman" or "A Mighty Wind", I'll see a flick like this over "Scary Movie" or "Date Movie" any day, and I'll still keep the volume turned up to 11.

Rocky Balboa: I really liked this movie all the way through until the fight at the end. It felt just like a classic Rocky movie, though obviously a bit more downtrodden than usual at times, but that fight was really weak by Rocky standards. Too much flashy filmwork instead of the straight up rib-crackin' action that we all came to know and love from the previous Rocky films. I wanna feel those punches when Rocky lands 'em, damnit! And nobody got knocked out? You can't go to the judges, somebody has to get knocked out unless there's gonna be a rematch sequel, and that's clearly not gonna happen. In all honesty, I was hoping that in his old age, Rocky would throw one final mega punch which knocks out the current champ, but at the same time, Rocky would have a heart attack and keel over. Now THAT is how you end a movie! All in all though, it was a real good film (a step up from Rocky V) and he's in damned good shape for a guy his age. As many people said already... he ended the series with class.

Notes on a Scandal: Way better than I was expecting it to be. A great mix of drama and dark humor. Judi Dench's character is extremely scathing, lonely and sinister while Blanchett makes for the perfect naive target. Much of the movie is narrated by Dench, and while I don't follow award shows at all, I'd be shocked if she didn't win something for this performance. If it's not playing in any theatres near you, at least rent it whenever it comes out on video.

Black Christmas: Yes! Now this is what I'm talking about! Forget all of the modern horror flicks that have come out in recent times... this movie is what we need more of. Granted I haven't seen the original, but the 2006 remake was a kickass throwback to the old slasher flicks of the 70s and 80s. Well, except that there wasn't any gratuitous nudity, which is surprising since the movie takes place in a sorority house. The kills are satisfyingly creative while the story is both bizarre and hilarious. And no, the cookies Billy Lenz was eating were not made of gingerbread. Horror fans, do not miss this one.

Pan's Labyrinth: I went into this one not knowing much about it other than it was a fairy tale for adults. I'm sure that makes it sound like a porno, but I assure you it's not. Guillermo del Toro has created a hell of a good tale here, though don't expect to come out feeling good at the end like you would with typical stories. The effects are wonderful and some of the sequences will definitely make you wince. For example: I've never seen the bottom of a soda bottle used to bash in the face of somebody before, but there it was on the big screen. Toro didn't cut away until the poor bastard's face was almost caved in. Brutalicious. It's interesting how the three tasks that Ofelia has to complete seem less nightmarish than what's taking place in the real world. I'm not saying that the Pale Man wasn't creepy as hell, he was. I'm just saying war is hell. War is hell and so are angry stepfathers. Hmmm, yep, that's what I'm saying.

That's all the movies for now, though I might check out "Children of Men" soon. So what did you guys think of these films (if you've seen any of 'em already)? Furthermore, what other movies have you seen lately and how were they?


Bruce Campbell + Old Spice = Groovy

Not sure if you guys have seen this yet, but I caught this commercial on TV last night and it's pretty much one of the greatest things I've seen on the tube in a while. Whaddaya think?

It's just pillow talk, baby.
Click here to watch Bruce!

I want that painting.


Yo ho ho and a bottle of 2007!

I'm back. Didja miss me? Sorry for the blog absence over the past week 'n a half, but I promised myself a nice long vacation away from the computer after working on the site nonstop for the last four months. And what a vacation it was. The drive up the PCH to San Francisco was easily one of the most amazingly scenic drives I've ever done - and that says a lot when it's coming from a guy who just drove across the entire friggin' country last year. Between the vast ocean views, the rock slides and the constant reminder that if I took any turn too fast our car would plummet into a watery abyss - I can't recommend doing that drive enough. It was like being in a video game the entire time. Only, if you lose, they don't instantly replace your car with another one. If you lose on this road, they find your car in the water somewhere with your corpse half-eaten by sharks. SHARKS.

San Francisco was really interesting and it's a city I definitely need to visit some more before I can form an official opinion on the place. I will say this though... you'll never find a more insanely hilly city than San Fran. Imagine an entire city laid out over the humps of a giant camel and that's San Francisco in a nutshell. Our hotel was one of the best and most interesting ones I've ever stayed at, but I'll share more details and pics from that place later on. Didn't do too much touristy stuff while we were there, but we did get to take a tour of Alcatraz which was extremely badass, especially since the guy speaking sounded a lot like R. Lee Ermey. Union Square had plenty of shopping to do, but the homeless seem to accost you every 5 feet in that area. Seriously, if you were to give money to every person that asked you for change as you walked 2 blocks in union square, you yourself would become homeless by the end of your journey.

Haight ("hate") Street, on the other hand, was really cool. Much like a South Street in Philly, or a St. Mark's Place in New York, or a Melrose in L.A., Haight Street had all sorts of nifty independent shops and food joints - including some of the best pizza I've had since I've been on the West Coast. They also had another Amoeba Music store there and I can spend HOURS in that place alone due to their immense CD and DVD selections. While I was there I finally scored a copy of the original Maximum Overdrive DVD release. Why is the old one better you ask?

Old vs. New

I rest my case. Screw any company that dares to change classic movie poster art when re-releasing a DVD. I see it happening more and more often these days and it's atrocious. I'll take classic hand-drawn poster art over any badly Photoshopped, toned-down modern "art" any day.

Anyway, after San Fran, we headed farther North to check out the giant Redwoods. If you want to get away from everyone and everything you know, there are a few places you can go - the ocean, the desert, and the Redwoods. Seriously, it was a much longer drive up to them than I had expected, but still scenic, so it wasn't a bother. The Redwoods were very impressive and yes... we did drive the car ththrough the tree. I'll have pictures of that to share in the next week or so along with others I'm sure. It's truly amazing how much more interesting driving up the West coast is compared to the East. While the East Coast could put me to sleep within minutes, I find myself wide-eyed with wonder wherever I drive out here. Completely different worlds. We were also gonna check out the Sequoias and Yosemite, but they were snowed out so we'll have to try that some other time because we don't have snow tires for the ol' Honda Civic.

All in all, a hell of a good vacation. I'll be posting pics from it at some point I'm sure, but right now I'm busy getting caught up on a million things, writing some new articles, and getting a bunch of new features ready to launch on the site in the coming months. Stay tuned for more details on all that stuff.

Some people have asked how I made out with gifts 'n stuff over the holidays and my birthday. I can't complain about that stuff because I consider myself lucky to get any presents. I got some really nice gifts from site visitors including "Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2" for the Nintendo DS (KONG!), "Rampage Total Destruction" for the Wii (a system I'm still waiting to buy, mind you, but it's gonna be a blast playing it 4-player style whenever I make four friends), a spook-tacular Boo Berry Bobble-Car (from an anonymous person, oooooh!), a copy of "The Ice Cream Man" on DVD (absolute cheesy horror wrapped in a waffle cone), and a bootlegged copy of Jaws rip-off movie called "The Last Shark / Great White" (can't wait to watch the giant rubber shark in action). Finally got the "When We Were Very Maakies" book too (hooray Drinky Crow!) and I'm already prepared to buy more of 'em. Mega-thanks to all of you sent stuff, can't tell ya how much I appreciate the generosity! And to those of you who didn't send anything, you're a bunch of cheap bastards for taking all this free entertainment and giving nothing in return. I'll see you in hell. I kid, I kid!

For my birthday, Re got me a limited edition Fossil watch that I had wanted for ages. It loops an animation the classic Asteroids game in the background... check it out:


My wrist has never been so happy. She also got me one of those cool new McFarlane 3-D movie posters for Friday the 13th. They make a bunch of 'em and more are on the way including Elm Street, Robocop and Silence of the Lambs, but from the ones released so far, I gotta go with Friday the 13th as being the best simply because there's a lot going on in the poster. The Jaws and Aliens ones still look nice though and I'm sure I'll eventually get 'em all.

The biggest birthday surprise, however, was that my entire family joined forces to get me a gift certificate to Guitar Center so I can get a new guitar. I've been playing on the same cheap guitar that I started learning on 15 years ago, and while I love it, it would definitely be cool to practice on something a little better in terms of quality. It's one of those things I've always talked about doing, but never actually did it and would've still probably put it off for another 15 years if they hadn't gotten me the gift. So now I'll be going to Guitar Center (and other music stores) to try out countless guitars until I find "the one". I'll be sure to post a pic of "the one" whenever I get it, but being a nitpicky bastard, I'm sure it'll take a while before I can settle on something. I just hope my old guitar doesn't hold a grudge against me for cheating on it. You know I love you baby, I just need a little variety!

All in all, a helluva nice haul if I do say so myself. Now it's your turn to spill the beans on whatcha got! Hope you all had a great holiday and New Year's!

Survey #1: Share in detail your holiday haul with the rest of us. Spare no details. If you got underwear from grandma, I wanna know what size and brand!

Survey #2: Give at least one example of a DVD release in which the original movie poster art was completely bastardized on it. There's loads o' bad ones out there, so let's see your top picks! (hmmm, I'm smelling a potential for an article here actually...)