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In Which I Introduce Myself

Don't actually wipe your feet on our welcome mat. You'll screw up your monitor in the process.
Gentle reader, welcome.

This site redesign seems like an ideal time to introduce myself to those of you just climbing aboard the good ship I-Mockery.

So ‘Hi’. I’m Max Burbank. That’s my real name, not some jazzy ass Internet ‘moniker’. I use my real name because that’s what I am. Real. You can believe every word I write. I will never, ever lie to you.

I’m just a normal fella. Got a wife, two daughters, a mortgage, and what Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen once called ‘debts no honest man could pay’. When I’m not comedy writin’, I work in the exhibits department of a large metropolitan science museum. I killed a man in Yuma, Arizona for looking at me funny. Beat him to death with a bicycle chain, set him on fire and ate one of his kidneys. Left his head on a pike as a warning. A warning not to steal my gasoline. You try; it’ll work out bad for you. Head on a pike bad.

I’ll be jotting down my thoughts here regular-like, to keep you ‘appraised’ of what all I’m up to. Write to me here in the blog if you feel so inclined. I’ll probably respond. Ask questions, share your hopes, dreams, fears. I hope we can forge a relationship. A relationship that may or may not lead to anonymous bus station bathroom sex. That’s up to you. I’ll say this though. The fact that I enjoy the scent of lilacs does not mean I am not extremely rough.

I’ll be around when you least expect it. As ill defined as a twilight fog in a rust belt Chinatown. Don’t ask questions you are not prepared to hear the answers to.

Brother, I do not even have a cell phone.


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Albino Bat on 01/05/2008 8:25 pm

Mmmmmmmm lilacs. Make a great salad.

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PeanutBoy on 01/05/2008 8:47 pm

Sorry Max but "bus station bathroom sex" is not for me... too dirty.

But I'm sure we can develop a relation based on physical abuse, lying, drugs and Robots fighting.

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Nick on 01/05/2008 8:51 pm

I-Mockery's blog is now Burbank to the max!

Note: I am well aware of the repercussions of my own negligence to write an intelligent response to this blog post, and therefore recognize the dangerous waters in which I tread.

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Spruce Moose on 01/05/2008 11:18 pm

This Max Burbank sounds like some homicidal biker/cowboy. Which is nothing like the old Max Burbank I knew. Hm, perhaps this isn't Max Burbank at all despite how much this writer keeps insisting that he is "real".

Or perhaps Max Burbank is not really the man I thought I knew. Any way you slice it, this sounds like the start of a wicked awesome movie. I'm either a main character or about to get killed off.

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-RoG- on 01/05/2008 11:27 pm

Did you guys ever stop to think that maybe each of the writers on I-Mockery are really just parts of my multiple-personality disorder? After all, I’ve already admitted to being PickleMan and El Serpento… what’s to say I’m not all of the other writers too? Hell, for that matter, does Re even exist anywhere other than in my mind?

SHOCK! MYSTERY! INTRIGUE! You can find it all on I-Mockery!

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comhcinc on 01/06/2008 3:03 am

wait, are you saying this isn't a figment of my imagination? i don't believe you little voice.

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Entreri21 on 01/06/2008 4:00 am

Sonova bitch!! You're Kaiser Soze!!!!

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KuddWeazel on 01/06/2008 5:50 am

Why do all you admin types have avatars that resemble something out of tank girl?

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ISChris on 01/06/2008 7:09 am

Did you guys ever stop to think that maybe each of the writers on I-Mockery are really just parts of my multiple-personality disorder?

Why stop there, maybe we the readers are figments too.

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Wyldflame on 01/06/2008 7:34 am

Don't let him fool you, Max is actually a robot created by Castro, his true purpose is sinister.


HowardC (Guest) on 01/06/2008 8:40 am

Castro here.... don't blame him on me, I didn't have ANYTHING to do with this one. Now Clay Aiken, that's another story.

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Pentegarn on 01/06/2008 9:06 am

I am confused by this potential "anonymous bus station bathroom sex" that you said could possibly come from a forged relationship. Did you mean that we would meet in a bathroom and have sex with anonymous people, but not each other? Or did you not mean we would have sex, but it would be anonymous? Perhaps you meant the bathroom would be anonymous sex? Bah! All these questions just lead to more questions! I am gonna go have a bowl of some anonymous food instead!

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mburbank on 01/06/2008 9:48 am

I suspect that Sproose Moose may be an old friend of mine, making him just about the only one who'd be able to separate my various 'author's' voices from the actual me. And I include myself in that statement. Who are you Sproose Moose? WHO ARE YOU?!

And I don't even remember writing that part about bathrooom sex. What do you think I am, a Senator?


Christine d’Abo (Guest) on 01/06/2008 9:49 am

I find lilacs disturbing. It explains a lot.


Simon Love (Guest) on 01/06/2008 11:56 am

Wait...After several years of visiting I-mockery, I find out today that Max Burbank is NOT a Star Wars character; He claims to be 'Real'.

All those fantasies flushed away like so many used (misused, actually) paper towels. Thanx a lot for being real, Max Burbank.

How can I get back all those years of wandering through pawn shops, asking for the ultra-rare Max Burbank action figure? MINT CONDITION MAX doesn't mean jack-shyte now!!!!

Thank you for destroying the very basis of my existence, WHO AM I?

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Undead Overlord on 01/06/2008 12:41 pm

Well, nothing is real. So any atempts at trying to forge a life is useless. We can't definitively prove that we exist, therefore we don't exist. Any device, or one of the five senses, can be altered with electrical interference. We can't trust thier data. Since we can not make assumptions on potentially false facts.(If it is true AND false, it is false) In theory, we could all be computer programs and not realize it because we are programmed not to!

Man, philosophy gives me a headache. Summary: nothing is real and (cosmically speaking) it doesn't matter if you DON'T go to work tomorrow. The universe will not change at all.

Have a nice day.

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Rohjin on 01/06/2008 12:57 pm

I'd vote for Max as Senator! Not that all of I-mockery voting for him really matters, I mean, we all ARE the same people.

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Spruce Moose on 01/06/2008 1:36 pm

Who am I? Well, I'm a malefactor, and a lagomorph(not really on the last part, but it's a cool sounding word).

Why, Mr. Burbank, I'm flattered you think I'm an old friend. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. But I'm afraid I'm just a long time reader who can tell your writing style apart from Dr. Boogie and Protoclown/RoG(those two sound the same, makes me awfully suspicious).

This still doesn't answer who you are, Mr. Burbank, and why you are renaiging on your bathroom sex offer. Also, we are allegedly not real. See all the intrigue this re-design is causing?

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mburbank on 01/06/2008 3:04 pm

Simon, Sorry to disappoint. That's the problem with reality. If it's any help, a lot of what I said was lies. And stuff I type during a blackout can't be trusted either.

Spruce, thank God! You had me scared for a moment! If my readers ever found out I was a female Japanese dwarf, I'd lose all credibility.

oh, crap.

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Neen on 01/06/2008 5:40 pm

I know how you feel: I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

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Pentegarn on 01/06/2008 6:54 pm

What could have more credibility than a female Japanese dwarf?

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incognit000 on 01/06/2008 8:20 pm

There's no key under this mat, only a large crowbar!

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thecatillaccat on 01/06/2008 10:15 pm

And I was there when Jesus cried, had his moment of doubt and pain. Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate.

Pleased to meet you. Won't you guess my name?

...sorry, Rolling Stones, Max, and Laffy Taffy don't mix well. I've suddenly found myself wearing a tutu and craving the sweet touch of an angry, baby killing compulsive liar. Damn you, Burbank! Where's my anonymous secks?!

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Protoclown on 01/06/2008 10:28 pm

i'm into female japanese dwarves

and bathrooms

i think we're soulmates

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Autrach Sejanoz on 01/06/2008 11:56 pm

Me too, Protoclown.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!! I'd know those fetishes anywhere! YOU'RE MY EVIL TWIN!!!


WOBZIRE (Guest) on 01/07/2008 2:34 pm

Seriously; Could you do me a favour and write a book? I would enjoy it. Thanks!

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BoMToons on 01/07/2008 6:51 pm

Max, you're the best part of this site...except for the flash game coding...always respect the flash game coding...

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Ferrit on 01/07/2008 9:07 pm

Where's my Hossenfeffer?

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mburbank on 01/07/2008 9:46 pm

I've been trying to sell a book for quite a while now, but have been unable to get an agent. If any of you all have compromising photos of literary agents maybe we can work something out

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bertleman on 01/08/2008 12:56 pm

I've known this bastard since 1969 and he is not a female japanese dwarf. The reality is much more horrifying. He wishes could escape grade school pals like me and reinvent himself but the stalking continues.

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mburbank on 01/08/2008 5:52 pm

HA! I knew I would smoke you out, Moriarty! You can't hide in that innocent baby costume forever.


Poop on a Stick (Guest) on 01/09/2008 2:01 am

Can't wait for more "BRAND Max Burbank" in 2008! 2007, I hardly knew ye.

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Fat_Hippo on 01/13/2008 4:01 pm

If you will never ever lie to us, then you scare the shit out of're one sick son of a bitch, aren't you? Oh, right, that was kind of obvious, wasn't it? Whoops, fell right in to that didn't I? Hehe...yeah...


El Sammo (Guest) on 01/13/2008 11:27 pm

The sex can't be anonymous. I know who you are. I'm looking at you right now. You got a nice jiggle baby.

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