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Damned New Years Resolutionists.

Sweatin' to the Oldies!

You know what annoys me the most about this time of year? New Years Resolutionists. There's always someone at my work who's decided once and for all to change their lifestyle and go on that diet, but within a week they're back to gorging themselves on whatever free shit just happens to be up for grabs on the free-for-all counter in the kitchen.

These people are so not-serious about changing their lives that they have to actually wait around until the big event, the ball drop, the calendar flip, even though they started cooking up their Grand Scheme of Change on December 11th; it just wasn't time yet. Gotta have that one last hurrah, that last holiday supper of Henry VIII proportions, that one last prostitute with an eye patch, potbelly and wooden leg. Only after they've gotten it out of their system will they be ready. I'm tired of hearing people talk about it.

But the real reason they bother me so much is that they come out in droves this time of year and hit the gym all at once. After a week of feeling sickly, I went to the gym last night for the first time since the New Year and there they were, waiting for me. Just for the privilege of using one of the ellipticals or exercise bikes, I had to wait in a Depression-scale breadline, and by the time a piece of cardio equipment actually freed up, I had actually already lost a pound from sheer attrition.

The thing is, 50% of those people will be gone by the end of January, never to set foot in a gym again, until perhaps the next New Year. By the end of March a full 90% of them will be gone and won't be back. These are scientific numbers that I just made up, but you know as well as I do that they are completely accurate. In the meantime, until they realize that they're not serious about making a lasting lifestyle change, they're just wasting my time and getting in my way.

So what kind of New Years Resolutionists do you guys find annoying?


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doopa on 01/09/2008 6:30 pm


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JJ the Jetplane on 01/09/2008 7:07 pm


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Burn on 01/09/2008 8:17 pm

Anyone who asks me what my resolution is just so they can babble on about theirs.

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thecatillaccat on 01/09/2008 8:38 pm

I just hate New Years period. The Resolutionists are the dressing on my Salad of Anger.

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Ferrit on 01/09/2008 8:46 pm

[Comment withheld by guilty Resolutionist]

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CarpetGnome on 01/09/2008 9:54 pm

People who try to force their resolution on you.

Yeah, I'll quit smoking, just for you......

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Protoclown on 01/09/2008 10:08 pm

Ferrit: WHAT is your secret resolution, Ferrit!? SPEAK!!!

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incognit000 on 01/09/2008 10:39 pm

Why the HELL is losing weight so god-damned hard?

I've been working on it for months, and I'm barely losing anything, despite essentially no food and large amounts of exercise.

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Nick on 01/09/2008 10:44 pm

Those drunks who use New Years eve to get drunk, and act as if they're accomplishing something.

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Protoclown on 01/09/2008 10:54 pm

incognit000: Eating "essentially no food" is your problem. You've gotta keep your metabolism up. Have you tried cutting your meals in half and eating six smaller ones a day?

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Ronin S on 01/10/2008 12:21 am

I'm trying to lose weight and get into shape, but I was trying to do it before New Year's, not as a resolution. And I'm not paying $$$ for a stupid gym membership to do it. I try to go outside for a walk when I can. And I mooched my brother's old exercise equipment off of him, since he doesn't use it anymore. And I do go to the pool, but I use a 10 punch card, find it's better for me.

I think the best New Year's resolution is not to have any resolutions, just pick up from where you left off. And do things for the sake of doing them, not because it's New Years or something big is coming up.

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Angryhydralisk on 01/10/2008 1:11 am

I'm not too interested in New Year's even if I feel good about this year. I usually try to sleep before the ball drops, just because blabbing about that would be ridiculous.

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Pentegarn on 01/10/2008 1:27 am

The whole New Year's resolution thing does tend to crowd up places like gyms and the like during January. I bet the workout centers like Gold's and Lifestyle look forward to it though.

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Ferrit on 01/10/2008 1:45 am

1. to eat more ham
2. to stop skipping breakfast
3. to stop skipping to work
4. to only listen to the voices on weekends
6. to stop using the number 5
7. to not share my resolutions with anyon- :S dammit
8. to come up with a number 8

Actually Protoclown, it's the old stand by. Stop smoking cigarettes I buy myself and start bumming cigarettes off of other people under the guise that I'm quitting.


WOBZIRE (Guest) on 01/10/2008 9:17 am


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mburbank on 01/10/2008 10:42 am

Do not knock one eyed unidexter overweight prostitutes. They have to work just like anyone else and they generally work harder.

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Fluke on 01/10/2008 12:10 pm

My new years resolution was to get laid more often.

Am I a bad person?

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Ausohj on 01/10/2008 12:58 pm

I resolved to read a book or the back of a book at some point in the year...and not nessicarily all at once...I could read a chapter every few weeks. The secret to keeping your resolution is to keep the bar low. Very low. If at first you don't succeed, try gamefaqs for the cheats. That's my motto.

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Invisible on 01/10/2008 3:25 pm

My resolution was to procrastinate more. I'm sure I'll get right on that tomorrow.

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Anti.5 on 01/10/2008 4:13 pm

Jesus. LINES!? You have to wait in LINES to use machines!? What kind of gym do you belong to!? I'd freak out and never go to the gym if that happened at the place I go to...

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Protoclown on 01/10/2008 5:47 pm

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit...

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Desert_Screams on 01/10/2008 6:30 pm

There are so many things we're not supposed to do while intoxicated: driving, firing guns, and shopping for prostitutes, to name just a few.

But we're *encouraged* to come up with binding, long-term self-improvement goals while we're filled up with booze and cheap champagne-- and to come up with these so-called "resolutions" in the ten minutes preceding or following midnight on January 1?

It ain't right, man. It ain't right.


The origional Siin (Guest) on 01/11/2008 12:59 am

My resolution was to finally finish the first kingdom hearts game while upside down and completely shit faced. Then I relized that I was playing megaman, and that I just got owned by sepheroth. Ooo, purty lights!

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incognit000 on 01/11/2008 1:11 am

I'm gonna try Proto's small meals suggestion from here on in. It can't hurt.


likeitis (Guest) on 01/11/2008 11:23 am

Actually, Protoclown, it's people like you that are the most bothersome.

"Oh, it's MY gym because I come here all the time, as opposed to these morons who only come here for a month or two in Jaunary! Get out of my way! These are my machines! Waah!"

How about, instead of being a douchebag about people who may honestly be trying to improve their health, you grin and bear the inconvenience of bigger crowds at your gym.

People are already battling themselves, the lazy society we live in, the convenience of fast food, and the indignity of exercising their overweight bodies in front of others.

Then you elitist pricks come along, rolling your eyes and moaning about them. Guess what? They paid just as much as you for their membership, if not more. If you don't like it, then LEAVE. Buy your own gym equipment and set it up in your basement. No crowds there, muchacho.

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Protoclown on 01/11/2008 3:52 pm

Oh ho ho! I guess you "told" me! Goodness gracious!


Java78 (Guest) on 01/11/2008 4:37 pm

Funny, I was just talking about this the other day at work. The gym I goto is the largest one of that chain in SoCal and it was filled to the brim this past week with all the resolution people. 11 months out of the year, the gym only gets half-full at best but for January its a different story. This entire month I have to show up an hour early just to avoid the crowd. Personally, I don't see bringing this up as elitist especially when it is the truth.

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Protoclown on 01/11/2008 4:53 pm

It's no more elitist than when I get pissed off and annoyed at how crowded all the stores are around Christmastime.

I'm no gym rat by any means, and I'm all for people trying to improve themselves and get in better shape. This, I support. But I can't escape the undeniable knowledge that 90% of these fuckers aren't going to stick around for very long, so it's kind of annoying when you have to deal with these non-serious people getting in the way. "likeitis" just doesn't understand "how it is".

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bazilisk on 01/12/2008 2:07 am

It's just to make themselves feel better without actually doing anything. Cos it's MUCH more socially accepted to bullshit about how inspired you are to have a lifestyle change, than it is to actually sitting on a couch and not giving a fuck that you're lifestyle will kill you. Right?

You're obviously not trying to put the peopel down who actually want to improve themselves, Proto, but I mean seriously most peopel really are just full of hot air.


Hyatari (Guest) on 01/12/2008 1:57 pm

My resolution was to continue being an unhealthy, smoking, drinking bastard, as a reverse-psychology measure to get me to cut down on smoking.
It's been 4 days since I had a smoke, but that's because I have no money.


dd (Guest) on 01/13/2008 5:45 am

im trying to find a job so i guess that can count as one

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Fat_Hippo on 01/13/2008 3:43 pm

I don't hate any kind of New Year Resolutionists 'cause I don't know any. Guess I just sorround myself with the right people. *Thinks a minute* Scratch that: Guess I just sorround myself with the right type of wrong people.


El Sammo (Guest) on 01/13/2008 8:01 pm

My resolution was to quit reading I-Mockery...Way to fuck it up guys!


Holly (Guest) on 01/14/2008 3:36 am

i actually love new years, even though i don't drink or make resolutions. i just love making out and setting off fireworks.

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