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damned-new-years-resolutionists

Damned New Years Resolutionists.

by Protoclown on 01/09/2008, 6:24 pm

Sweatin' to the Oldies!

You know what annoys me the most about this time of year? New Years Resolutionists. There's always someone at my work who's decided once and for all to change their lifestyle and go on that diet, but within a week they're back to gorging themselves on whatever free shit just happens to be up for grabs on the free-for-all counter in the kitchen.

These people are so not-serious about changing their lives that they have to actually wait around until the big event, the ball drop, the calendar flip, even though they started cooking up their Grand Scheme of Change on December 11th; it just wasn't time yet. Gotta have that one last hurrah, that last holiday supper of Henry VIII proportions, that one last prostitute with an eye patch, potbelly and wooden leg. Only after they've gotten it out of their system will they be ready. I'm tired of hearing people talk about it. (more...)

34 Comments

in-which-i-consider-the-writer%e2%80%99s-strike

In Which I Consider The Writer’s Strike

by Max Burbank on 01/09/2008, 11:37 am

We're on strike until somebody takes a better photo of us!

As the writer’s strike enters its third month, I stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters on the picket lines, whom ironically I am making more money than for the first time in my life. Internet writers are like the redheaded bastard stepchildren of magazine writers who dream of someday suckling from the lavish teat of television and film writers. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I did get to write the words ‘lavish teat’ and publish them, something certain people I went to college with who now write for late night TV shows and think they are better than me can only dream of. (more...)

26 Comments

golden-globes-canceled-oh-noes

Golden Globes canceled!? Oh noes!!!

by Dr. Boogie on 01/08/2008, 1:22 pm

Golden Globes Cancelled! Oh no? Yay? Meh?

Recently, one of my coworkers informed me that the Golden Globe awards had been canceled. Obviously I was positively distraught. How, I asked him, will I be able to go about my daily routine knowing that I'm going to miss the Golden Globes this year? He then tried to explain to me that the Golden Globes is a very important event that "affects everyone." I was curious, so I asked how it was going to affect, say, me for example. He backpedaled and explained that he was talking about the entertainment industry, and so I concluded that it has no effect on people outside the industry. Not so, he assured me, and soon, all the people around me were trying to explain just how important both the Golden Globes and the Oscars are to not just the entertainment industry, but the entire world. (more...)

47 Comments

one-more-introduction

One More Introduction

by Dr. Boogie on 01/07/2008, 3:48 am

(not an actual depiction of Dr. Boogie)

Hello folks, I’m Dr. Boogie.

Many of you know me as the boring guy who writes principally about video games here at I-Mockery. Well I’ve got great news for all of you: with our new site design, you can actually communicate directly to me by way of the new comment system. This way, you can communicate with me much faster than you normally could with email, and as an added bonus, I can get some help from the rest of the community in deciphering some of the feedback I receive from those of you with a tenuous grasp of the English language. (more...)

26 Comments

in-which-i-introduce-myself

In Which I Introduce Myself

by Max Burbank on 01/05/2008, 8:06 pm

Don't actually wipe your feet on our welcome mat. You'll screw up your monitor in the process.
Gentle reader, welcome.

This site redesign seems like an ideal time to introduce myself to those of you just climbing aboard the good ship I-Mockery.

So ‘Hi’. I’m Max Burbank. That’s my real name, not some jazzy ass Internet ‘moniker’. I use my real name because that’s what I am. Real. You can believe every word I write. I will never, ever lie to you. (more...)

34 Comments

this-aint-your-daddys-i-mockery-no-more

This ain’t your daddy’s I-Mockery no more.

by Protoclown on 01/04/2008, 12:29 am

Bacony I-Mockery Makes Every Bite Better!

Hello gentle reader, and welcome to my new blog. (Can I call you gentle? No? How about silky? Does that work? In the event that you're not silky or gentle, substitute "rough and tumble".)

It's hard to believe, but I've been writing for I-Mockery for just over seven years now. My first two submissions were Visionary Darkness articles posted on the same day, one about the year 2000 presidential election and one about the new Transformers toys. Looking back on them (please don't), I find them kind of embarrassing now. Yes, like all women before me, I've come a long way, baby. And now I realize that last sentence makes me sound like a woman. I could totally hit the backspace button and you would never know I typed it that way, but for some reason I'm still typing forwards and words are coming out on the screen. Well, I can assure you, I'm not. A woman, I mean. I'm not even silky, which is more than I can say for you, I'm afraid. (more...)

31 Comments

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