Xystus on 06/16/2008 11:31 am

I don't drive (yet), but lately when I go to school on foot I've seen birds go against each other multiple times - and I don't mean 'go against each other' as in 'check out our aerial tricks', I mean that as in 'crashing and actually falling down before recovering and flying back up again. The birds I've seen doing so are swallows by the way.

They also the horrible tendency to just brush their wing in you as they fly by. Is this like when you are at school and you brush your shoulder in someone else as if to say "hey fuckfart, i got a problem with you"?

I think there is some truth in that the birds wants us all dead. Heed my words, they ARE preparing some nasty plan to kill us all.

Myk (Guest) on 06/16/2008 11:33 am

Hmmrrpphh....I too have noticed this and I live in WI...I take a 20 min route to work through back roads and they definetly are up to something! Me thinks they are trying to impress the ladies cause there seems to be another one always wooding out...I actually clipped one about a month ago! Felt bad till I arrived at my shitty job

Brent Noble (Guest) on 06/16/2008 11:36 am

proto, it is not the birds you have to be careful of, it is the SQUIRRELS!
around my house i have seen the squirrels gather in groups. they chatter at me and i am 100% sure that they are up to something. Just last week they filled my lawn mower with acorns, even the transmition and internal parts were filled! and a month ago they chewed threw the hull of my boat! my house is surrounded by evil, organized squirrels...NAZI squirrels.

Drunken_Lemur408 on 06/16/2008 11:39 am

So I'm not the only one who thinks the birds are out to get us? Proto, the next time one of those feathered bastards flies in front of your car, floor it. It will send a message to the others.

pac-man on 06/16/2008 11:47 am

A small bat flew into my windshield on my way home one night about a month or so ago. But bats aren't birds. Sorry to waste your time.

Turrel (Guest) on 06/16/2008 12:28 pm

It's because you're driving a Honda Civic. They're telling you to get a car that doesn't suck.

Kench on 06/16/2008 12:31 pm

A few months ago, I drove through a whole bunch of birds that were sitting on the road (Yes, just hanging out on the road. Not eating or anything, just....hanging out. Anyway, when I got to my destination, I coulxdn't help but notice the feet of a bird sticking out of my grill (or...whatever those holes in the front of my car are supposed to be.) So yep. I got one.

Though, I, too, drive a Civic, so maybe it IS just the car...

Ozotega (Guest) on 06/16/2008 12:48 pm

Whoa! I don't believe it. I have commented about this several times to my friends. It seems like they wait till I drive by and then streak across the windshield. I think, in 10 years, I've hit one bird. This year I've managed to hit 3, one being a crow that made such a loud noise I almost soiled me'knickers.

I think it's a conspiracy between the government and insurance companies. They're training these birds with the intent to put our automobiles on the disabled list. It raises our insurance and stops us from buying gasoline for a short time. Maybe if they get enough of us and render our cars useless then the gas prices will drop.

The only other possibility for this suicidal behaivor is they somehow managed to get a copy of Superman 64.

Silver on 06/16/2008 1:03 pm

I like animals, but I certainly find some of their behaviors quite weird... And annoying. What I hate the most about birds is when they gather in the very middle of the street, doing their things... You know, eating dirt, drinking from a stagnant pool of water, making themselves easy targets for starving felines, you name it.

Why do I hate it? Well, if I like animals it obviously doesn't make sense to me to make those birds a roadkill feast for an emerging swarm of flies. But they doesn't even seem to care when my Mazda3 is at just about one feet away and, just when I think I will crush an innocent (maybe imbecile) bystander they surprise me by flying the hell out of the way in the last split second.

Your theory may have some sense Proto, maybe they are just a bunch of male jackasses trying to impress the opposite sex by showing off their dangerous stunts.

Silver on 06/16/2008 1:08 pm

By the way, you better worry when they start shitting in unison all over your recently washed car. Total chaos.

uncle on 06/16/2008 1:57 pm

I was driving to Louisville a few weeks ago from Columbus, wondering about the large number of dead birds at the side of the road. Now, this being Ohio, I figured it was one of two things. Either the Carnage Tour had started where all kinds of crazy shit jumps out in front of cars in a wild frenzy of trying to make you feel guilty and clean fur and blood off your grill, or, this being Ohio (the Texas of the North) some redneck arseholes had been leaning out of their pick-ups and shooting at anything that moved. How wrong I was...

For those that don't know the road, I-71 and I-75 merge for a couple dozen miles right next to Cincinatti, so you have to take an exit to follow I-71 to Louisville. I was approaching that exit with about a mile to go, and a large truck between me and the lane I needed to be in. "Hmm... should I speed up and go round the truck, or slow down and drop behind it?" says I, not realising how big an impact my decision would make. Choosing to drop behind it, I slowed down and slotted in, merrily awaiting my slip road.

A movement caught my eye to the left. Looking over momentarily I saw a large bird that looked for all the world like a vulture swoop down at high speed as everything seemed to slow down. Simultaneously I realised two things, where all the dead birds were coming from, and thank god i chose to slow down instead of accelerating around the truck. The bird slammed full throttle into the side of the trailer, exploding in a cloud of feathers and bouncing straight off, hitting the front of the pick-up next to me at a full 70+ miles an hour and somehow exploding in even more feathers and this time a shower of bird parts.

So, long-windedly enough, yes I have noticed some strange behaviours in birds lately.

Crux (Guest) on 06/16/2008 2:10 pm

Perhaps these birds have taken to watching people play the old NES game Ninja Gaiden... ;)

Myk (Guest) on 06/16/2008 2:42 pm

this proves a conspiracy! side note about 20 years ago we hit an owl with a Fiero on a taco run in the wee hours of the morning...got out to investigate and noticed the owl (the kind that look like the gray men..white and slivers for eyes) had a bad wing...instead of caring for it my friend grabs it and thrusts it feet first at my arms ensuring its "Talons" would scratch the shit out of me....Prick

Tanuki on 06/16/2008 2:48 pm

Really? You finally noticed this? I thought this was totally normal...perhaps now that I have turned 18, starting yesterday, this will be something to think maturely about...
..nah.
But yeah, mostly mockingbirds and sparrows do it around here. And I remember one time someone DID run over a bird with a car. My dog found its remains while we were walking once. Not fun.

wobzire on 06/16/2008 3:25 pm

Once about a year ago. I was driving very slow (school zone) and a bird flew in my sunroof and out the passenger side window. It was the worst thing that has ever happend to me.

Adam-Wan (Guest) on 06/16/2008 3:58 pm

Birds..
Everything about this avian menace is wrong. Case in point. I'm a US Navy guy, and when i was stationed in Guam they had this particular species of bird that was highly territorial, and this one bastard in particular was roosted on a lampole in the parking lot of my residence. Needless to say that i was the victim of several divebombings over the span of a couple of months, one memoriable occasion i had my groceries in my hand. Well enough was enough, and the next and final time he divebombed me, he connected with my Louisville Slugger with a satisfying "SQUAWK"!!!

James (Guest) on 06/16/2008 3:59 pm

It could be chasing after another bird. Perhaps for the purpose of finding a mate.

I'll have to consult my zoology texts.

Tadao on 06/16/2008 3:59 pm

Cellphones are telling them to do horrible things!

Jive (Guest) on 06/16/2008 4:15 pm

They've done that my whole life I've noticed. I'm 25... so nothing too new for me. They fly perfectly normal and then when they hit a road they'll dip down almost into the traffic.

It's almost like they loose wind resistance over the roads.

JJ_Maniac on 06/16/2008 4:47 pm

The birds are out to get us all, and one day soon we will run out of our buckshot, and the Lord will come down upon us, and give us slugs, but the slugs will not kill the birds, and man shall curse the Lord for not knowing the first rule about hunting

LordSetheris (Guest) on 06/16/2008 4:49 pm

Assholism is the natural result of the evolution of flight.

Ronin S on 06/16/2008 6:53 pm

I dunno Proto, it seems to be the squirrels and rabbits in my area that seem to have a deathwish. I barely avoided my first roadkill last week.

Sinkyl (Guest) on 06/16/2008 7:22 pm

Adam-Wan is a typical example of the monsters Americans allow in the military, then wonder why the people are liberating of their oil don't like us.

Ferrit on 06/16/2008 7:57 pm

Proto - mayhap you should

a)Stop listening to The Best of Birdsong Vol XXIV while you drive

b)Stop driving around with birdseed in your pocket

c)Install a cat in the passenger seat

Dan (Guest) on 06/16/2008 10:30 pm

I've also had bird problems in the last few weeks. I was driving a friend's car and a bird just sat there. It flew away when I got close and hit the brakes. Another friend mentioned the George Costanza thing (something like "We had an agreement!"). Since then, in my Civic, I've also come dangerously close to other birds.

absurd_nerd on 06/16/2008 10:43 pm

It's those darn pigeons...they've been providing an example for the rest of the bird-world to follow... Their lacksadaisical and smug attitude has been transmitted and spread. Now it's inspiring other birds--like some sort of crazy epidemic. Or maybe it's just your run-of-the-mill plague. Either way, I blame the pigeons.

Art Vandelay on 06/16/2008 10:44 pm

WE HAD A DEAL!

HeroliciousDeBlanc on 06/17/2008 12:08 am

Some birds have been very ballsy just chillin in the road around here, but I'm actually surprised because my California birds got less crazy in the past few years. They used to get really fucking drunk off these fermented berries, and then fly around all crazily before crashing into the sliding glass door and completely dying.

BurntToShreds on 06/17/2008 12:28 am

Bastards get in my garage sometimes, and have to scare 'em off with my air soft gun. In no way am I actually going to kill them; the last thing I want is a diseased bird carcass in my garage.

Kimbo Slice Sucks (Guest) on 06/17/2008 1:21 am

When I hit a bird at least I don't have to drive to the store to pick up chicken for dinner.

greenimp on 06/17/2008 4:07 am

well, not while driving, no (im too lazy to get my L's) BUT those magpies are getting really weird... i mean, swooping junoirs at skool non-stop, and incase you feel like asking, no. it's not swooping season, it's the middle of goddamn winter over here. and another thing, theres another magpie, its ANTI territorial, you walk in... and it tries to keep you in its territory, you go to leave and its there... waiting for you... and, to wrap this up, theres the third and final weird magpie, it flew into the senior study hall, flew around (shitting on everything) we finally got it out WHEN IT FLYS STRAIGHT BACK IN AGAIN! in the end we locked it inside for the long weekend, well, it flew out at the end and landed A MASSIVE PILE OF EXCREMENT, and i mean MASSIVE, like, it would have had to been saving up all weekend for this one, on mr goodmans head, but nobody likes him so thats alright, but yeah, i'm glad were not the only ppl with this problem.

Hurude on 06/17/2008 5:40 am

I live in a small sea side town in the uk, its full of massive sea gulls who ravage the bins for food, scream day and night and stalk you for handouts if you try to eat out side and some time they will maul you for your fish and chips,

there taking over, that's for sure!

Krackor (Guest) on 06/17/2008 7:31 am

The birds in VA must really enjoy testing themselves like this...

I once hit two birds in one week. The first time, I was driving along and suddenly about 10-15 of them flew across the road. All of them made it across...all but one. He caught my windshield and left a feathery smear all the way up.

A few days later, the same thing happened. Except this time, nothing hit the windshield. The birds flew across the road and then I heard a THUNK from underneath the car. I looked in my mirror to see a bird flopping around in the road. Perhaps he was trying to get in through the muffler!

Those are the only times I'VE hit a bird. One time, my buddy and I were driving down the road and there were some crows eating a dead animal in the road. Most of them flew away as we approached, but one stuck around and my buddy didn't slow down. There was a CRUNCH and an explosion of feathers. He must have been really hungry. Or he hated himself because his bird buddies always made fun of him.

Count Mek on 06/17/2008 12:47 pm

Woah, strange.. The only think I can think of is a couple years ago in Canada I was in the car on a motorway and Jim, the driver, slammed the breaks because there was a Goose and it's babies walking across the road... That was about it.

D:

TheDoomThing on 06/17/2008 3:04 pm

No, but i have had a bird hit the side of my house in strong winds. and then some how get to the front yard, and a hour later or so (that was when i checked again) die. But hey, strong winds O_o

Nick on 06/17/2008 5:03 pm

They heard about the new Birds remake, and are pissed.

SunnyD on 06/17/2008 7:23 pm

My dad and birds have never in all these years gotten along. He actually hit one that didn't veer up quickly enough and it exploded into a barrage of feathers everywhere. Then one time he was driving on the freeway and a bird flew down and managed to slap my dad in the face with it's wing.

Some crazy birds out there that have it in for him.

M (Guest) on 06/17/2008 8:45 pm

I've seen this too. My father once told me he thinks that the birds are simply looking for the slipstream that the car pushes along in front of it for an extra boost up into the air. I tend to agree with him.

Bob (Guest) on 06/17/2008 10:33 pm

I had never hit anything living before with my truck but about a month ago I had to go to Tulsa Oklahoma for work and I hit one bird on the way there and one on the way back. The first busted a head light and the second busted my windshield. Luckly my job payed for both. Since then there has been several close calls. I think you are right they are out to get us.

Dungeonbrownies on 06/17/2008 11:30 pm

I have noticed this recently, i watched a pigeon attack a donut shop. its either A) wi-fi is confusing them and their extra senses we dont have, or B) excess food has retarded the forces of natural selection, filling the air with stupid stupid aggressive birds

ShadowedHogosha on 06/18/2008 1:44 am

I hate to say this but...they may be plotting...I havn't had that happen to me but I can say this...at least it is not a swarm of flaming wasp coming at your car everyday. That would be shat yourself worthy.

Grossenschwamm on 06/18/2008 1:51 am

I killed a bird just last week by hitting it out of the air with my 1977 Chrysler steel deathmobile. Shocked the hell outta me. It's not like I tried to hit the bird. The damn thing was flying over the road, turned so it was flying straight ahead of me, then tried a banking maneuver at grill level. It wanted to die. Since then I've had four almost feathery explosions, and I've been finding dead birds all over the place. It's odd. This is probably just like The Happening, except cars are releasing a magnetic field that causes birds to navigate their way into the front of angry autos. You know, instead of the friggin angry trees.

peh_ on 06/18/2008 5:11 am

My wife flinches around birds all the time... She just looks at me and says "They can't be trusted.."

I dismissed her pleas until now, the conspiracy is afoot.

Terrible-D on 06/18/2008 6:18 am

It's an outbreak of the Bird-Flu!

Stuart Aspinall (Guest) on 06/18/2008 7:20 pm

May I direct you towards:
myspace.com/pigeonfreeasap
I created the page and made several appearances in the local press as the reult of my huge annoyance at their increasing cockiness.
It has rached the point where they can routinely be spotted strutting around my town's shopping malls as though they were run of the mill consumers. Some nerve, I'm sure you'll agree.

Oakey (Guest) on 06/19/2008 7:51 pm

I've actually been in a car while someone hit a bird, I felt a little guilty, but I suppose we were just helping out with natural selection, so you're welcome Darwin.

Simon (Guest) on 06/20/2008 7:38 pm

My friend was driving once when a crow flew up from the side of the road across his car and it misjudged the speed / distance and its wing came in the window hit him in the head and then the bird tumbled away into the grass.

Captain Spiffy (Guest) on 06/20/2008 8:56 pm

I notice a trend on I-mockery. You guys make a thread and then a bunch of sycophants blow smoke in your asses.

I enjoy your articles a lot for the record.

Kybo Ren on 06/22/2008 1:21 pm

DEATH FROM ABOVE:

A former neighbor of a Durham, North Carolina, man convicted of his wife’s murder claims the death was not caused by a human, but rather by an aggressive owl.

Larry Pollard claims his deceased neighbor Kathleen Peterson was killed by an owl attack in December 2001, not by her husband, novelist Mike Peterson, who is serving a life sentence in prison for the crime, the Raleigh (N.C.) News & Observer reported on May 26, 2008.

Pollard, who formerly worked as a lawyer, said he has spent years gathering information that indicates Kathleen Peterson’s wounds were caused by an owl, not by assault with a fire poker. He said that despite repeatedly informing the media of his theories, he has not presented his ideas to the Durham district attorney.

“I want it to be the best I have,” Pollard said.

Durham District Attorney Jim Hardin, who led the prosecution of Peterson, said he has heard of the owl theory and discussed it with medical examiners. He said they dismissed the idea.

Owls do infrequently attack people.

For example, Hollywood Park in San Antonio, Texas, had a rash of owl attacks in September 2007, with at least four people left bleeding by the encounters. The four victims were all attacked by an owl while walking late at night or in the early morning, either in the 500 block of Rue de Matta Street or at the Voight Center.

The 18-inch-tall owl with a 35 to 40-inch wingspan first attacked at 8:25 p.m. on September 10, 2007, when the owl lacerated a resident’s head in the 500 block of Rue de Matta Street. The male victim reported that the owl struck him twice, and then he sought out cover in a nearby home, where he waited for his wife to pick him up.

The bird, described as a white owl with brown spots, then attacked a female victim at the Voight Center on El Portal Street one night in the same week. The woman, who did not leave her contact information with police, said that she was whacked in the head, then shone her flashlight to see the large owl flying to attack her again, and ducked. On Sept. 18 before 8 a.m., the owl struck a third time, drawing blood on the head of a 13-year-old boy on his way to school on Rue de Matta Street.

In British Columbia, barred owl attacks are a commonplace event. Around Labor Day, in September of 2006, Coquitlam’s Mundy Park joggers were frequently being attacked. Aside from Mundy Park, the region’s barred owl hot spots are the woods around the University of B.C. campus, Stanley Park and Campbell Valley Regional Park in Langley. The B.C. Ministry of Environment’s records show a rash of barred owl attacks on humans in 2001 in Victoria, Nanaimo and Vancouver, all of them in or near parks.

The literature is filled with people being attacked by owls if they are wearing fur (like raccoon or muskrat) on their heads.

The joke in wildlife management is that “owls don’t care if their squirrels are human.”
....

An 11-year-old boy has been injured when an eagle attacked him during a walk through the woods in near Copemish, Manistee County, Michigan.

Radio station WKLA reported Alex Birch was attacked by the eagle about 9 p.m. Sunday, May 25, 2008, in Copemish. He was treated at a local hospital for numerous cuts and scratches to his back, head and neck. It was not clear what led to the attack.

Copemish is located in the northern portion of the Lower Peninsula about 25 miles southwest of Traverse City and 105 miles north of Grand Rapids.

STAY INDOORS

blix (Guest) on 06/23/2008 9:46 pm

wait, cobra commander drives a civic? that's somewhat disappointing.

0dd1 on 06/30/2008 3:59 pm

A bird smacked into the roof of my mom's car with an explosive thud. She stopped to see if it was okay, but it was nowhere to be found. 'Nuff said.