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In Which I ‘Show’ You What Makes Me ‘Tick’.

Please do not truncheon puppies, even if they're as ugly as these ones.

On fine spring days like this I like to strap a box of cabernet on my back, run a surgical tube to my mouth (A bit of duct tape on the cheek keeps things nicely in place) and sally out into the meadow to walk a while in the tall grass and truncheon puppies.

There are a few slight problems with this, and here are some of them:

1.) No one sells a decent night stick anymore let alone a good truncheon.

2.) One doesn't just happen upon puppies in any old meadow, and I am not the sort that would go to a place where they stock the meadows with puppies any more than I'd go dynamite fishing in a fish farm like some sort of Robber Barron bloodsucking old money politician.

3.) I would never Truncheon a puppy. For the love of Christ, man, anybody knows puppies are the only reliable evidence that God feels love on occasion.

I only used the phrase 'truncheon puppies' because of the way those two 'U' sounds go together when followed by an image of totally unacceptable violence. If I had said 'truncheon babies' it would have been just crass.

The image itself is a substitute for butterfly hunting, except I don't and I could never conscience a man who does. What has a butterfly ever done to you, more to the point, what could it do, even if sorely provoked, even by a damnable provoker such as yourself? Now if the butterfly were as big as you and armed with a flamethrower, that would be something worth hunting.

SO. I don't truncheon puppies, and for that matter I don’t 'Sally' anywhere, no offense to Sally. But If I'd said "On fine spring days like this I sit alone inside and drink an entire box of wine" you'd feel sorry for me, and you shouldn't. Box wine is economical and much nicer than you think when consumed by the boxful. In fact, once you commit yourself to drinking the entire box it's really just as good as anything else. Yes, yes, let it be known I am a box wine enthusiast, unashamed, naked, proud.

Did you see how I slipped naked in there? I didn't have to. I just like it. And I brought my own towel.


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Doctor_Who on 05/10/2009 2:51 pm

"Truncheon Puppies" would be a good name for a rock band.


Doug-alicious (Guest) on 05/10/2009 3:35 pm

Max, thats's kind of beautiful in a sadistic dog torturing sort of way.......oh.....wait......

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JoeyJoJoJr on 05/10/2009 7:25 pm

That makes two of us Max. About being box wine connoisseurs.

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Tadao on 05/10/2009 9:32 pm

Hey! I like to go into picnic fields a whack sweater puppies with my wood too! I also use wine and duck tape. Hmmmmm. ARE YOU ON TO ME COPPER?

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Copper on 05/10/2009 10:42 pm

Maybe. And I just might have the photo evidence to prove it...

((Sorry, mate, couldn't resist...))


Frostor (Guest) on 05/10/2009 11:59 pm

I'm not usually the sort of person who would derive enjoyment out of a blog which references truncheoning puppies and boxes of wine, (being a vegetarian teetotaler) but damned if I didn't laugh out loud. Context is everything.

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Tetsu Deinonychus on 05/11/2009 12:56 am

I'm liking the box wine + surgical tube idea.

One could get completely wasted while hiking, even!


Fast_Eddy (Guest) on 05/11/2009 6:41 am

I drank myself retarded on a box of wine just 4 days ago. My personal habit is starting a shower and passing out naked on the floor before i even get wet. Something about the steam, i think. It's very womblike in bathrooms full of steam.

At any rate, it is fortunate i don't drink often.


Kyle Harkes (Guest) on 05/11/2009 8:21 am


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Relaxing Dragon on 05/11/2009 12:49 pm

Ah, the winding roads of Max's train of thought as it canoes through the airways of his mind. Truly fun for everyone 8)


Bill Vincent (Guest) on 05/11/2009 2:57 pm

Wow...those are the ugliest puppies I've ever seen depicted. Truncheon-ing them wouldn't be a bad idea, me thinks.

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Cowracer on 05/11/2009 3:26 pm

You can get a decent truncheon or nightstick at

they call em batons, and the polycarbonate one is just the ticket for cracking skulls without wearing out your arm.


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-RoG- on 05/11/2009 7:30 pm

Bill Vincent, I gotta agree with you there. I almost feel like pummeling those particular puppies would be a mercy-killing.


Django R. (Guest) on 05/11/2009 9:32 pm

It's a shame really, puppies once roamed these fields as far as the eye could see... I blame over truncheoning, and the injuns.

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Colonel Flagg on 05/12/2009 10:03 am

Truncheoning puppies aside, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of a human-sized flamethrower-wielding butterfly. Shades of the Twilight Zone!

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Dungeonbrownies on 05/12/2009 11:19 pm

you could actuallly get some really good truncheon substitutes at bed bath and beyond, some asian supermarkets, and sometimes the 99 cent store.

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Kat on 05/14/2009 6:47 pm

I love you.

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Pretzel on 05/14/2009 10:23 pm

What Kat said.

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mburbank on 05/15/2009 10:56 am

Thanks folks. If you have free time, vizualize me getting a hot shot literary agent. Or, if you know any, whenever you're around them, fake cough, say my name and the look off while whistling slightly so they think it was their own idea.

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El Sammo on 05/17/2009 12:08 am

I tried doing some independent agenting for you... My family no longer returns my calls.

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Jony B. Good on 05/20/2009 10:32 pm

It's not like I'm a dog lover, or a cat hater, I just think cats are cold blooded agents of hell, Ever notice the despise for every other life form in their eyes? so why not truncheon kittens instead?

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Kat on 05/21/2009 9:11 pm

Because the alliteration wouldn't be as good.

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