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Three Transformers toys that will make your head explode

As you've probably noticed, we covered a bunch of Transformers stuff on I-Mockery this week in preparation for the sure-to-piss-on-our-memories Michael Bay movie. Yes, I've been completely distracted by the fact that there is now a Kwik-E-Mart right down the road from where I live, but I refuse to let it stop me from getting my work done. Drinking 50 Blue Vanilla flavored "Squishees" can only make me healthier and stronger, right? Right! Anyway, for our Transformers coverage, Protoclown did a piece about all the cheesy new Transformers movie toys and a new Protocomic based on an old Transformers/Spider-Man comic book , Dr. Boogie covered a godawful Transformers rom hack of Super Mario Bros 2 which most likely came from the bowels of hell, and I did my best to remind everybody about how cool the Transformers really were back in the day with a look at the original movie.

Still, there were three things I wanted to touch on about the Transformers that didn't make it into any of our articles, so I'm gonna tell you about them here in the ol' blabber blog instead. Hooray for blabber! Hooray for blogs! Hooray for blobber! Ok, first up are the Transformers Movie Plush Dolls:

We don't want hugs! We want DIGNITY!

You wanna know what really pisses me off here? They made them look like the classics! Why couldn't ALL the new toys look like the classics? No, us fans of the original series get friggin' pillows. Not just pillows, but pillows which strip away ANY REMAINING SHREDS OF DIGNITY some of our favorite characters once had by giving them names like "Softimus Prime" and "Slumblebee". Not only do they look like wrinkly old men instead of robots made of steel, but now they have names that would surely make them cry out tears of energon. Thanks Hasbro. To their credit, they actually figured out a way to make these pillows transform from robot mode into vehicle mode (kind of like how the Popples changed from balls of fur to... uh... Popples), so kudos to the mad seamstresses over at Hasbro. We can't cure cancer, people, but we can make a pillow that transforms from a robot into a vehicle. Look, it's all about priorities, okay?

My arms bend! My skateboard rolls! My soul cries!

Next up is this little toy I stumbled onto in a Walgreens last week. Though it's not an official Transformers toy, nor does it give credit to them in any form whatsoever, Tech Deck Dude Evolution's "Minga" figure is clearly a blatant rip-off of Optimus Prime. He's super-excited about the fact that his arms bend and his bio on the back of the package is interesting too. Did you know he's from Kalamazoo, MI? Neither did I. Still, for you hardcore Transformers fans out there, you'll be hard-pressed to find another figure of Optimus Prime in which he is a) Riding a skateboard and b) Holding a light saber. And since I know you guys would hound me if I didn't post it, here's a nice big close-up of Optimus riding on his skateboard with light saber in hand.

Optimus Prime Pepsi-powered convoy rolls into action to quench the thirst of all sentient beings!

Last but not least, my all-time favorite, completely random Transformers toy: The Optimus Prime Pepsi Convoy! We all know that Optimus Prime has always been a hero, but who do you turn to when your thirst is in its darkest hour? You turn to Optimus Prime and his Pepsi Convoy, that's who! He'll roll on out and fill your gullet up with peptastic goodness so you can go on with your day. The great thing about this toy is that it really does hold Pepsi bottles. Optimus Prime easily beats out one of those foam cozies as the best place to store your drink any day of the week. Unfortunately, this one was only released in Japan in 2005 (and at the 2007 BotCon) so you'll have to snag it on eBay, but it's definitely worth getting if you're a collector of oddball items like I am. I should note that there was also an Optimus Prime Pepsi figure promotion way back in 1984, but as you can see, it only comes with a set of stickers and is not nearly as good as the 2005 one that can actually hold soda bottles (not to mention they actually changed his paint job to match the Pepsi logo). And if you're still not sold on the Pepsi convoy, perhaps this print ad will do the trick:

Transform and Roll Out to Cool Refreshment!
Click to enlarge

Damnit, I want that Destructicon pizza box.



Aks (Guest) on 07/06/2007 12:54 pm

They still sell pepsi twist? Correct me if Im wrong but didn't that taste like the inside of an asscrack? Either way I still want the pepsi thing.


ninjawolf (Guest) on 07/06/2007 1:34 pm

I'm assuming they just still sell Pepsi Twist outside of the US since this is Japanese. I think the amount of Pepsi Twist in that fridge could easily kill an elephant though. Also, anyone else notice that the Destructicon pizza is apparently from Florida, Florida ?


Malon Light (Guest) on 07/06/2007 1:39 pm

Autobots! Twist off and Quench!


Kryten Syxx (Guest) on 07/06/2007 2:16 pm

I won't even get started on the 2.5 hour long commercial known as Transformers: The Movie, but I will let you all know that we here in Florida no longer have "Destron Pizza." It was a small pizza place in Florida, Fl that one day transformed into a giant robot killing all those inside before setting out to vaporize the entire city. That is why you can no longer find Florida, Fl on a map.

The streets ran red with tomato paste and blood that day.


Kryten Syxx (Guest) on 07/06/2007 2:21 pm

I just noticed this, but on the back of Deck Dude's package the favorite saying, "Hey Kid, I'm a computer" was ripped off from the G.I. Joe PSAs that Fensler Films used to make. Next we'll see one that says "Porkchop Sandwiches!


University Update - Transformers - Three Transformers toys that will make your head explode (Guest) on 07/06/2007 2:53 pm

[...] Sicko Link to Article transformers Three Transformers toys that will make your head explode » Posted at I-Mockery Blabber on Friday, July 06, 2007 As you’ve probably noticed, we covered a bunch of Transformers stuff on I-Mockery this week in preparation for the sure-to-piss-on-our-memories ... ! Anyway, for our Transformers coverage, Protoclown did a piece about all the cheesy new Transformers movie toys and a new Protocomic based on an old Transformers/Spider-Man comic book , Dr. Boogie View Entire Article » [...]


TB Tabby (Guest) on 07/06/2007 7:04 pm

I think of this whenever I hear fanboys rant about how their childhood is being raped.

Also: Softimus Prime is awesome.


Tahni (Guest) on 07/06/2007 8:58 pm

Does that note on the tupperware container say
"Dear Convoy
Warm it before you eat
Cos that's what it looks like to me.


Nyarlathotep (Guest) on 07/07/2007 12:43 am

Thank you, Tabby. It's glad to know that someone else hates nostalgia.


Davo (Guest) on 07/07/2007 5:39 am

I loved Transformers. I saw the new movie last week. It was awesome. Sure, it's a big shiny commercial, but the series was based on frigging toys. Who said soul selling was unpleasant!


Michael C. (Guest) on 07/07/2007 6:33 am

The movie was pretty cool. I'll take it over those shitty anime TF shows they play/still play on Cartoon Network.

Want bastardized? Watch those. And if you really want "omg pissed on my child hood", watch this:


teknotheef (Guest) on 07/07/2007 10:23 am

What the hell is up with Japanese bottle caps? are they wearing hats? (Formation 3:Bottle cap set)


ColdFusion (Guest) on 07/07/2007 12:30 pm

You do know his name is Convoy, right. It's not "A Pepsi convoy" ... but I suppose using both names in one toy was kinda weird. ^_^
Hehe, transforming pillows is the coolest thing. We had those when I was little, but all they transformed into was a dinosaur, or worse.. a blanket.


-RoG- (Guest) on 07/07/2007 3:10 pm

I've yet to see the movie so I'll reserve my final judgment on it 'til afterwards, but I can't say it looks too appealing from what I've seen of the trailers 'n what not. I'm all about nostalgia, but I'm not about remaking old things that were perfectly fine the way they were. I'd rather see Hollywood come up with new ideas rather than rehash the same old stuff over and over again. Protoclown also saw the flick recently... he's a way bigger fan of the Transformers than I am and he hated it so much that I think he might actually try to physically kill Michael Bay.


CS (Guest) on 07/07/2007 4:20 pm

I read somewhere that Convoy is what they call Prime in Japan.

Also, RoG, you see this yet?

That's not really raping my fond memories but still I think that's a bit excessive.


CS (Guest) on 07/07/2007 6:16 pm

"What the hell is up with Japanese bottle caps? are they wearing hats? (Formation 3:Bottle cap set)"

Also as part of promotions Japanese stores have bottle caps with little figures on top. Why is beyond me but they do it.


Black Zarak (Guest) on 07/08/2007 9:40 pm

Pepsi Prime is one of the prizes in Pepsi's "Transform Your Summer" contest too, as well as being sold on in limited quantities soon. I've been trying to win me one all summer.

Also, totally off-topic, but Protoclown was ridiculously unfair in his reviews of the movie toys. Yeah, some of them really suck, but he didn't even appear to have bought a single one of them and was just bashing them from catalog images. Just sayin'.


Black Zarak (Guest) on 07/08/2007 9:44 pm

Also also, Prime is indeed Convoy in Japan and Decepticons are called Destrons, hence Destron Pizza.


ColdFusion (Guest) on 07/08/2007 11:15 pm

Dude, ok, that movie was great. I said it first. It was great. It was good and awesome... so everyone's going to have to eat their words now. ;)
But that animated thing looks so awful it has to be an urban myth..


Protoclown (Guest) on 07/08/2007 11:30 pm

Black Zarack, you're the second person who's told me that I apparently can't have an opinion on the new Transformers toys until I've spent my hard-earned money on them. No, it doesn't work like that. See, I DON'T spend my money on them BECAUSE I don't like them. I've seen them up close and personal in the toy store, and I'm not impressed. There were a lot of crappy Transformers back in the day, but the oldschool Prowl, Jazz, Bluestreak, Mirage and Wheeljack are all much better looking, and those toys are over 20 years old now. Frankly, I expect better after twenty years.


MSJ (Guest) on 07/09/2007 12:50 am

To be fair to Protoclown, the Transformers in the movie do look better than the toys, mostly. I guess a six-inch figure with over 10,000 moving parts is not very marketable.


Nick (Guest) on 07/09/2007 9:46 am



i-mock-you- (Guest) on 07/09/2007 11:37 am

This certainly brings back memories of playing Transformers with my cousins... of course, I'm not sure why I always ended up as the Decepticons.

Here's a few other strange Transformers Toys

The Optimus Prime Voice Changing Helmet!!

And secondly a Transformers Super Soaker (wtf do Super Soakers have to do with transformers? we should get laser guns or something.)


i-mock-you- (Guest) on 07/09/2007 11:39 am

and that is the last time I post before checking on new things.

*grovels for forgiveness*


-RoG- (Guest) on 07/09/2007 3:52 pm

UPDATE: Hasbro has once again re-released the Optimus Prime Pepsi set and they're selling it exclusively on this site. Grab 'em while ya can!


Black Zarak (Guest) on 07/09/2007 8:33 pm


Ok, I can respect your opinion, I'm not saying you aren't entitled to one. I just don't think it's very fair to immediately judge them all as crap without ever actually handling one. Yeah, Megatron is crappy and Barricade totally has steam shovel hands and Bonecrusher is a let-down, but Blackout is really cool and Brawl and Wreckage are too. Ironhide is half decent and while his face is indeed impossible to make out, he's pretty fun to futz with and has two cannons that combine into one really BIG cannon. I know a lot of fans have really die hard G1 love, but you gotta give em' a chance man! Transformers has come a really, really long way in terms of articulation, sculpt and paint jobs; perhaps the movie toys are not the pinnacle of this, sure. But some are worth a chance. If no one else, Booster X-10. He's Laserbeak, and that's awesome.

P.S. I wasn't trying to be a dick in my first comment, I laugh my ass off at your articles and I got all a twitter when I saw you had actually replied to me. I bear you no ill will sir!


MSJ (Guest) on 07/09/2007 10:38 pm

You know, what suck? All the new movie toys I want (Voyager Blackout, Starscream and Ironhide; Leader Megatron and Optimus Prime) is sold out!!!! Still, as compensation, I got an Alternator Jaguar XK that transformed into Ravage (those Hasbro folks sure thing they're funy). That's pretty cool, have on my college table right now guarding my stuff. God willing,he'll have company (and enemies) soon.


RMG (Guest) on 08/02/2007 1:39 am

i have seen both the animated and real life movie and the real life one was a let down because you think optimus will die like in the animated but but he doesnt... i sense a sequal...


Rayray (Guest) on 11/30/2007 7:36 pm

dude that stuff rocks!?!?!?!?!?[exept for the teck deck]


transformers world (Guest) on 07/27/2009 7:29 am

I actually really liked this Harry Potter movie, i do not get tired of seeing the next chapter in the life of a wizard.

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