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In Which I Confess To Not Understanding The Internet.

FACE it... it's not FACEbook until it has your FACE all over it.

Gentle reader, when I first decided to create ‘Myspace’ and ‘Facebook’ pages, I was mostly screwing around. I thought ‘social networking’ sites were entirely populated by gum snapping teenage girls, desperate rock bands pathetically clinging to the belief that they will one day ‘make it’ while knowing in the pits of their stomachs that they will not, and sexual deviants aroused by pretending to be teenage girls, desperate rock bands pathetically clinging to the belief that they will one day ‘make it’ while knowing in the pits of their stomachs that they will not, or both.

In the case of ‘Myspace’, it turns out I was quite correct, except in that I did not account for the large number of people trying to sell pornography while disguised as fun seeking young ladies with Myspace pages.

‘Facebook’, however, has proved to be quite surprising. It has unexpectedly connected to a whole host of old friends, schoolmates, fans of my writing, ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends who want to kill me, parole officers, former cellmates, bail bondsmen, ex-girlfriends who turn out to no longer be girls, the occasional Mexican dwarf I left to die after we collided with that coast guard boat (sorry, Raoul), and ex-girlfriends who turn out not to have been girls at the time I knew them.

It is also the source of a number of pervasive Memes I have not bothered to exploit for cheap laughs.

To put an end to that, I reprint a list which I have already posted on Facebook, an act I justify by the preceding paragraphs, which can only be found right here at That makes this a ‘variant’ and thus more valuable to collectors. Take note, Raoul, as that’s all you’ll get from me...


1.) I have been asked to engage in this Facebook activity multiple times and have not because I have a knee jerk oppositional response to exactly this sort of thing.

2.) Once I have completed this list, I intend to publish it on the ‘Blog’ at, a delightful Internet site that pays me to write for them.

3.) #2 is pretty much the reason I’m doing this.

4.) One of the above statements is a lie.

5.) I just blew your mind.

6.) Right now you are thinking I didn’t, but sometime soon you will stop dead in your tracks and say ‘whoa.’

7.) You will probably not say it out loud. You might though. I don’t really know you well enough to say.

8.) I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

9.) I’m already dissatisfied regarding the degree to which this is turning out to be funny.

10.) While I am trying to do this, I’m chatting with three people on Facebook. That’s how popular I am. Also I have not figured out how one makes oneself unavailable for chat.

11.) If you are one of the three people I was chatting with, I meant the other two. I really wanted to chat with you. Seriously.

12.) Do you feel like you know me better yet? Because that’s what I most wanted out of this. I mean, otherwise, this is pretty masturbatory, right?

13.) If I was going to do more than one draft of this, I’d think of some other way to say it was masturbatory.

14.) This is the seventh draft of this list.

15.) I’m still not all that pleased with how this list is turning out, and I’m already more than halfway done.

16.) Seven God Damn drafts and the only number I like at all is the Johnny Cash reference.

17.) When I was in school, I laughed any time a teacher said ‘ball’, ‘breast’, ‘titmouse’ ‘The Grand Tetons’ or ‘Lake Titicaca’.

18.) My Bologna has a first name.

19.) I have just become certain you did not ‘get’ the Johnny Cash reference, because there was nothing really to ‘get’ per se, and quite likely you didn’t even know it was Johnny Cash.

20.) In this list, I have used the word ‘masturbatory’ three times.

21.) The school referred to in #17 was college.

22.) It was from ‘Folsom Prison Blues’, all right? Folsom Prison Blues! Only the most famous song The Man in Black ever wrote!

23.) You claim to have gotten the reference, but it’s only because you saw some Goddamn Joaquin Phoenix vehicle, which in now way counts and makes me loathe you!

24.) What the hell kind of a name is Joaquin Phoenix? Did his parents hate all babies, or just him? Do you know what he’s doing now? A RAP ALBUM, YES, YES, A HE IS A WHITE RAPPER NOW and just go Google image him right now and you’ll see he is sporting a hideous unkempt hippie doofus beard that appears to have something NESTING IN IT!

25.) Because at least one of the five of you who will read this entire list does not know who Joaquin Phoenix is or what he has to do with Johnny Cash, I am filled with self-loathing.

26.) And despair. Yes, that’s right. I did 26. Because no one can tell me what to do.

27.) I am so lonely.


User avatar

Relaxing Dragon on 01/31/2009 2:02 am

The only problem with Facebook (and I know I'm not alone here) is that you can't do the carazy background thing like you can on MySpace. Dammit, I've got a big, glittery, flashing, seizure-inducing spread, and I can't use it. Hmmph >_>

Also, I need to add you know.


AIF (Guest) on 01/31/2009 3:34 am

I will admit (having seen friends use it) that Facebook is way cooler. But I refuse to sign up because Facebook is for yuppies. I would rather be associated with MySpace trailer trash than Facebook yuppies checking their "wall" inside of Starbucks while listening to Feist.

At least rednecks are funny. Yuppies are just unpleasant.

P.S. My boyfriend is a Facebook user. I mention this so that Facebook users may know that my dearest loved ones lie among them, and that I mean no actual harm. I've merely had far too much spiced cider.

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Dungeonbrownies on 01/31/2009 6:01 am

I love my facebook and my myspace, stay away from both. XP

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Doctor_Who on 01/31/2009 6:49 am

Funny stuff, Max, as always.

I am in college right now, and I'm probably the only person I know who does not use Facebook. I honestly can't see the point.

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Odworthy on 01/31/2009 11:40 am

I nearly choked with laughter about three times while reading this...

I've got a Facebook profile/page thing, but I never use it. It just sits there and I keep meaning to get around to trying to delete the damn thing, but can always find something more worthwhile to do. Ho hum.

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rizzo on 01/31/2009 12:11 pm

Great stuff once again Max. I got the Cash reference, anyhow.

As far as social networking, I officially declare meh.

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Silver on 01/31/2009 2:30 pm

I hate Facebook, and I find it sickening how people can spend hours there wasting time they could use for something better.

Now, let me tell you something. One of my friends started to tell me about it and how popular it was becoming in college. I initially refused to join, since I don't find the point of joining a social network where you eventually come to know people that you are not even interested to talk with. After months of pestering from him and my best friend, who said that Facebook was a nice tool to know about parties and stuff, I decided to create an account, specially because making contact with good ol' buddies tempted me. After two days of minimal use, I decided to delete my account, as I found deplorable how many inivitation requests I got to add silly games and applications. I still refuse to reopen my account to date, and most people tend to belive I'm some kind of weird monster for avoiding Facebook. You simply get no privacy, no matter how many times you are told that you can control the privacy settings in order to avoid people to see things that you don't want them to see. If that's the case, then here's two things that come to my mind:

1) If you don't want people to see something, why upload it in the first place?

2) And don't go telling me that you can choose the ones that are disabled to see some content, because if some of your friends who uses Facebook happens to have the same embarrassing photos of the last party where you appear being drunk all over the place, you're practically screwed up. No need for privacy settings.

What I'm trying to say here is that Facebook is a network that should be destroyed. It is pure evil and I find no simpathy for those who claim that it has helped them to find out about things more easily. It is a fountain of never-ending gossip that can turn the odds agains you if you happen to have problems with your grilfriend...

Make the world a favor and delete your account.

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HowardC on 01/31/2009 3:03 pm

Am I the only one on the planet who doesn't have a facebook/myspace/whatever page, doesn't intend to ever have one, and won't even sign up just as a joke?

I just don't get the internet anymore. It used to be like a big digital book... you wanted to know about something, you looked it up, all was well. Then things got a bit more "social" with message boards, which I still think is great seeing as how if you want to know how to do something it's great to have a room full of experts to discuss the problem with.

Then something odd happened... these personal blogs popped up with no point what-so-ever. I'm sure you and your momma think you are interesting, but nobody else does and we don't care about your feelings, your tastes or how many times you took a crap today. IMHO sites like myspace take this one step further by removing ALL substance from the blog... reducing it to a poorly crafted webpage with a bunch of random pictures and music on it and a list of things I don't really care about.

It's this younger generation that's to blame doing illogical things for no reason. Myspace is about as stupid as text messaging on your phone. "So let me get this straight? I have the choice of fiddling with a tiny keyboard to type a barely ledgable one sentence message on my phone and spend upwards of $1.50 to send said mesage to someone else's phone OR I can simply call the person on the same phone for free as it is part of my calling plan? Hell yeah let's text! That makes SO much more sense!"

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Tadao on 01/31/2009 3:12 pm

17 reminded me instantly of Lake Titicaca.

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stevetothepast on 01/31/2009 3:25 pm

that was neat. I like johnny cash. I also like commenting.


Shane Skekel (Guest) on 01/31/2009 5:01 pm

Silver, I see where you are coming from. Facebook used to be something interesting; now it's just a bloated, laggy shithole that refuses to run properly in Opera.

HowardC, I'd have to agree with you on MySpace and Instant Messaging on a cell phone.

Max, even though you aren't that funny, Facebook isn't the only site that obnoxious internet fads are spawned. (You should see 4Chan and YTMND.)

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mburbank on 01/31/2009 6:44 pm

Hunh. I'd say some of you guys have some feelings about stuff.


John (Guest) on 01/31/2009 7:24 pm

Will you be my friend?

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Desert_Screams on 02/01/2009 12:29 am

These lists-- bulletins-- memes-- viral crap and Hottentot nonsense-- annoy the living hell out of me (except for the ones I re-post, of course) but I gotta say, I like what you're doing with this stuff.

I'ma send you a friend-request-thingy, Mr. B.

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El Sammo on 02/01/2009 2:55 am

I'm going to jump OFF the bandwagon, and not send you a God Damn thing.

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Dungeonbrownies on 02/01/2009 4:23 am

Just becaues its popular doesnt mean its evil.

Ie- apple users used to be a minority and we loved them, but now its the mark of douchey decadence, but what of the OG mac users? Woe is me!

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Copper on 02/01/2009 4:53 am

Firstly, yes, I got the Johnny Cash reference for Johnny Cash. I'm old enough to know better.

Secondly, yes, I have both Facebook and Myspace but hardly, if ever, use either one. Admittedly, Myspace has become a more reliable email system between one friend and I and it's nice for the picture sharing ability, but that's about it. Facebook I joined for swag from another internet site. Not to mention it prompted a rather interesting discussion with my then boyfriend at the time when his best friend's wife found my page and wanted to know why my relationship status was listed as "complicated."

Which brings us to the other evil, partially mentioned above. Businesses now-a-days are internet saavy enough to pop onto places like this and see just how that new intern spent their weekend. Or look for people bitching about their jobs. Or find various ways to haul you into the office for a little talk about "company image." That's part of the reason I never use my real name on a lot of these sites, and if I do, I never put anything up that could be constituted as 'flaming.' Big brother is watching. *chuckles*


Uchuu (Guest) on 02/01/2009 8:47 am

@silver "It is a fountain of never-ending gossip that can turn the odds agains you if you happen to have problems with your grilfriend..."

a grilfriend hahaha

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Pretzel on 02/01/2009 9:30 am

Good times. ^_^

I only despise Myspace because they utterly fail at helping anyone with anything if, for some unforseeable reason, you can't log in. They are quick to point out though, how EASY it is to use the password reset! Or clear your cookies! There are no humans working there, not a single one. Robots., robots are awesome. Piles of slag. Piles of slag run Myspace.

Facebook, no comment, never used it.

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Coryjonc on 02/01/2009 11:33 am

I actually like FaceBook. I log on like once a day for ten minutes or so. I've gotten in touch with alot of old classmates and friends that have moved through it.

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-RoG- on 02/01/2009 7:12 pm

I prefer Facebook over Myspace for the following reasons:

1) Unlike Myspace, Facebook doesn't have pages cluttered with a million different sparkling animated gifs in the background.

2) Unlike Myspace, Facebook doesn't have songs embedded on people's pages which can blast your speakers to hell if you're unprepared.

3) Unlike Myspace, Facebook doesn't have every band and cam girl requesting you add them, and then if you do, they spam the shit out of your page and pretend like they're thanking you personally for accepting their friend invite.

Basically, Facebook is just nicer because it's an easy way to keep in touch with some people and not having to constantly worry about adding people you don't know to your friend list.

Also, Max may like Johnny Cash, but the truth is, Max really did shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.


#28. I’m adding to your list. (Guest) on 02/01/2009 8:02 pm

#29. This is #29. Poop


FlameAdder (Guest) on 02/01/2009 11:01 pm

I believe you meant to say "in no way counts" in number 23, as opposed to "in now way counts". Funny, otherwise.

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Pretzel on 02/02/2009 1:31 am

Alright, I buckled and made a Facebook account. Now, I'm lost and confused. :P I'm sure I'll figure out this thing eventually.

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mburbank on 02/02/2009 12:03 pm

Pretzel, how are you? Did you ever get my email or PM?

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Pretzel on 02/02/2009 5:04 pm

Oh man, I am so dense. I had no idea I had a PM! /facepalm

Yes, I did get the email, and glad to hear back from you. Good stuff, these articles. Keeps me comin' back. :D Also, I tried adding you in Facebook, as aside from my brother, I didn't know who else to add. I've still gotta figure out how the damn thing works. :P

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Kilgore Cod on 02/02/2009 8:09 pm

CIG tagged me on her list, thus why I did one myself. My own list was done with a bit more thought but with an equal amount of bitterness.

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Badgers ate my FaCe on 02/02/2009 10:18 pm

Why is the internet the way it is?

One reason: AOL.


XutaWoo (Guest) on 02/05/2009 11:50 pm

Gotta love pointless sites that can be easily replaced with e-mail.


25 kinda random slightly catagorized facts about me - Xaotik Designs (Guest) on 02/07/2009 9:17 pm

[...] on Feb.07, 2009, under A series of Tubes, ME! So, there’s this meme going around facebook, among other places, where you put down 25 random facts about yourself.  Great fun, really.  Having already done [...]


penis envy (Guest) on 02/09/2009 9:11 am

too all you people who are like oh i hate myspace and facebook and blogs and forums and etc. because its just a bunch of other peoples opinions and gossip and what not. and dont hate me this may be lack of sleep talking but what the hell do you think i-mockery is?

its just a crap load of ideas that i really didnt care to know but now i do! so yay for that.


penis envy (Guest) on 02/09/2009 9:11 am

im so lonely...

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mburbank on 02/10/2009 11:35 am

I think you might be onto something there


-Laura* (Guest) on 02/13/2009 2:54 pm

Facebook = Finding more ways to fill your stalkers in on what you are doing every minute....
11:15am - jenny picks her thongs out of her ass and shuts down her webcam.... lol

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