So I found quite an amazing little gem of a monster toy at the Rose Bowl Flea Market not too long ago. I had been walking around in the blistering sun for a few hours and then I saw it: Bionic Bigfoot ready to burn rubber down the highway in his own special drag racing vehicle!
For those of you who aren't familiar with Bionic Bigfoot: The Sasquatch Beast, he was a character that appeared in a few episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man. More importantly, he was originally played by none other than Andre the Giant. In other words, Bionic Bigfoot is the greatest sasquatch in pop culture history. I'm sure you love Harry and the Hendersons 'n all, but as much as you may adore that flick, it didn't feature a bionic sasquatch... let alone one that was portrayed by Andre the Giant. That said, I certainly wouldn't mind seeing him in a buddy cop flick with Suburban Sasquatch. I'd call it Copsquatch. You can't tell me you wouldn't pay top dollar to see a monster movie like that.
In his first slow-motion, sound effects riddled encounter with Steve Austin, Bionic Bigfoot uproots a tree and pummels him with it. Then his arm gets ripped off and he still manages to jump over a lake. I can't jump over a lake with both arms. Bionic Bigfoot is better than me and he's better than you. This is a monster character who clearly should be brought up in conversation at least once per day during the Halloween season. It's your duty to figure out how to make this happen and then report back to me about how said conversation went down. Here's one example:
CVS Pharmacist: "Hello. Are you here to pick up a prescription?"
Me: "I'll say! I need some serious pain medication. I fell off my bike and now my entire body feels like it was pummeled by Bionic Bigfoot!"
CVS Pharmacist: "Bionic who?"
Me: "Bigfoot! You know, the huge beast from the Six Million Dollar Man show back in the seventies?"
CVS Pharmacist: "Sir, I'm 19 years old, have no idea what you're talking about, and my boss is getting mad at me because there's a long line of customers forming behind you."
Me: "Well let's get that line moving then... we wouldn't want your boss to go all Bionic Bigfoot on your ass!"
Make it happen, people.
Now I had been hoping to find a Bionic Bigfoot toy at a flea market for quite a while, so stumbling on this particular one (in such good condition no less) really made my day. If you're wondering why he's on that little drag racer, it's because he was originally part of a Six Million Dollar Man dual launch drag racing toy set. You would pump up Steve Austin's vehicle along with Bionic Bigfoot and then let 'em rip see who would win in a drag race to the death. My money's on the sasquatch. Always a safe bet. Besides, his ride appears to be powered by jet engines, so you know this monster beast is one hell of a mechanic. I'll take his ride over the DRAG-U-LA or the Munster Coach any day of the week.
Just the idea of a sasquatch in a drag race, especially a bionic one, is pretty amazing to me. I guess if you can't settle your differences by pummeling the Six Million Dollar Man with a tree, you can always challenge him to a drag race.
Ahh, the monster toys of yesteryear... so much right in so much wrong.
BurnPianoBurn on 09/07/2012 1:10 pm
Greatest Sasquatch to ever live. I hope when I die, I get to meet Andre the Sasquatch Bionic Giant.
ColdFusion (Guest) on 09/07/2012 2:41 pm
this is the kind of crazy shit I live for and repeatedly revisit this site for.
dextire on 09/07/2012 7:00 pm
You have quite the knack for finding the most bizarre toys. Well done, sir.
Copsquatch would be an awesome movie!
Suburban Sasquatch could taze suspects with his lightning nipples. And Rick's grandmother could be the chief of police: "And remember, I don't like you."
Kenji on 09/08/2012 12:42 pm
Why does the Bionic Bigfoot logo look like a younger Alan Moore? That's what bugs me.
monster_movie_night on 09/08/2012 7:14 pm
It's it's Jesus. I'm not trying to harm a certain topic here.
Jaimas on 09/09/2012 11:50 am
Jaimas: Oh, man, mom. It's good to see you, but after so much time spent in the overheated lobby, I feel like I just went three rounds with Bionic Bigfoot.
Mom: Oh, god. I loved that show!!
Damn it, RoG caused a family bonding moment.
-RoG- on 09/09/2012 1:36 pm
Jaimas - First off, kudos to you for working Bionic Bigfoot into a conversation like I asked everybody to do. Secondly... holy crap! Your mom knows who Bionic Bigfoot is? Please let her know that she is now officially awarded with the "Halloween Mom of 2012".
Steve (Guest) on 09/09/2012 5:04 pm
I hate to be all nitpicky and such, but Steve Rogers is Captain America. Steve *Austin* is the $6MDM.
sewnupsmile on 09/10/2012 2:41 pm
"My men are here! I am here! But soon *you* will not be here!" RIP Andre the Giant...
-RoG- on 09/10/2012 3:58 pm
Steve - Whoops, thanks for catching the typo! For the record, I think Bionic Bigfoot could totally take Captain America in a fight.
sewnupsmile - What I wouldn't give for a Holocaust Cloak!
darkvare on 09/11/2012 9:27 am
i gotta ask after hearing the bionic bigfoot on a video do his soun effects are in the domo kun game or i'm i just a fool
-RoG- on 09/11/2012 2:31 pm
Haha nope, they're not in the game. Domo & Bionic Bigfoot would make for a great buddy cop show too.
Starscream on 09/12/2012 2:52 pm
Feels like this should be an instance of "Yeah, That Exists"
nirvana_infinity on 09/15/2012 3:11 am
We recently had a Bigfoot Hunt in my area (around Daniel Boone National Forest in KY) last week, and I am still pissed as hell that I didn't know about it until after. SASQUATCH IS OUT THERE!
Turrel (Guest) on 09/24/2012 3:57 pm
Every time I look at Bionic Bigfoot, I see an image of Frank Zappa in my head...
ken (Guest) on 12/31/2012 10:16 am
I don't use the word epic much, as it gets abused, but I think BigFoot drag racing fully qualifies here as epic...I've been obsessed with that BigFoot episode since I was a kid. Come join my Six Million Dollar Man-The Secret of Bigfoot page on FB for a laugh at some of the other gadgets from this life changing episode...
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