Jennie (Guest) on 02/19/2007 6:28 pm

FIRST COMMENT!!!

Butterscotch owns because it reminds me of childhood for two reasons:
1. My mom used to be a bank teller and I always got butterscotch Dum-Dums because no one else wanted them.
2. She also used to make "wasps nest cake" with vanilla cake mix, butterscotch pudding (instead of the eggs and shit) and a whole bigass bag of butterscotch chips.

Every now and then she still makes it.
Mmmm... childhood.

Keith (Guest) on 02/19/2007 6:38 pm

Butterscotch was invented in 1837 by Elbus McFinch of Dumber Downes in England. Elbus was an early confectioner who, while visiting Milan, was struck by the poor state of English sweets in comparison to those of Italy. Elbus sought out to make a particularly tasty English sweet.
As luck would have it, (industrial revolution British Empire, etc...) many new products were coming into England at this time especially from India. A plant called the "buttamsotti" came to Elbus' attention. Similiar to sugarcane except when boiled and refined, the buttamsotti stalks provide the taste we know of as (anglicized) "butterscotch." The original butterscotch candies were marketed in the shape of mini-elephants as a mark of its Indian roots.
Unfortunately, no one has been able to successfully grow on a commercial basis the butterscotch plant outside of India. And as irony would have it, the plant seems to thrive on a strange concoction of nutrients found in the fecal matter of elephants. As the elephant population has plummeted, it has become harder and harder to grow the plant. The only hope lies in converting the fecal matter I now am typing into fertilizer for the butterscotch fields of India.

Spruce (Guest) on 02/19/2007 8:07 pm

Butterscotch is truly delicious, even moreso than caramel. Caramel has declared war on it due to this very superiority, in combination with the fact that Butterscotch does not a have an internal pronunciation war like caramel does.

According to Wikipedia, Butterscotch is made from boiling a sugar syrup to a certain temperature, and mixing it with butter, cream, and vanilla. The difference comes in that Butterscotch is boiled to a lower temperature than Caramel, and traditionally gets Scotch added to it(along with a plant fertilized by elephant poo in some (fake) recipes).

Z? (Guest) on 02/19/2007 8:39 pm

Wikipedia entry on Butterscotch

Jesse B (Guest) on 02/19/2007 8:59 pm

Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but you haven't heard the real story of Butterscotch.

Gather Around kids, its time for a story. Now hand me my whiskey.

Mmm... That’s a fine good whiskey. What you all gather round for? Shoo! Wait, oh yeah. Butterscotch. The true story is that butterscotch once was a nation. That’s right; Butterscotch was a place like Greenland: All ice. The people of butterscotch were caramel colored people. The women were hot. Not hot as in melting. Hot as in… well, I’ll tell you when you’re older. Anyway, back then, they used ice as warmth. How, you ask, why do you think I know everything, get of my back! Lousy kids. Now, the good old USSR was jealous of the ice warmth skills that the people of butterscotch knew. All they could do was have problems with countries and train boxers. So they pledged and cried for the skills. They offered money, power, and even a rocket. But they didn’t take anything.

So the USSR sent in millions of troops. But the butterscotch people have snowballs, ice tanks, and the dreaded yellow snow ball. With the troops defeated, the Butterscotch people cheered and partied.

The USSR had other plans. They made a super melting ray. (They saw it on Mythbusters. Don’t ask how) they aimed at Butterscotch, and all the people melted into caramel puddles.

To add insult to injury, they turned them into hard candies.

See.

Whenever you eat a Butterscotch, YOUR EATING PEOPLE!

BUTTERSCOTCH IS PEOPLE!

(PS, they didn’t name it Butterscotch in respect. It stands for Butt Ugly Tarts Took Everything Respectful Soviets Claimed over the Claimed Hut. Don’t ask. Their freaking Soviets.)

Lone Wolf (Guest) on 02/19/2007 9:07 pm

I hereby name all butterscotch fans Butterscotchophiles. Or, butterfaces for short.

Micheal (Guest) on 02/19/2007 9:13 pm

Actually with Caramel, Butterscotch is Phase 4 of the plan. No one knows the first 3, as foretold by ancient legend.

Micheal (Guest) on 02/19/2007 9:18 pm

One ton of butterscotch? 3,488,000 calories.

-RoG- (Guest) on 02/19/2007 9:46 pm

Excellent work so far, people, but what... no mention of Werther's Original candies?

Keep the Butterscotch discussion flowing like a river of golden tasty goodness!

Bill (Guest) on 02/19/2007 10:10 pm

Butterscotch killed my family. And stole my baby. I think...yeah, butterscotch raped me.

Riptide (Guest) on 02/19/2007 10:21 pm

Werther's original are probabaly the most famous and tasty butterscotch candies, unlike the cheap ones that are put out in dentist offices.

You can buy Werther's by the small bag, and each peice of candy technically costs about 24.5 cents each.

Jeff The Ninja (Guest) on 02/19/2007 11:43 pm

Butterscotch is made from the refined tears of Indians. As Littering and stealing of land rises, so does the production of butterscotch. So the next time you are going to throw that super big gulp cup in the trash, think about this, can you live without your werthers originals. I dont think so.

Im a complete idiot :)

Jeff The Ninja (Guest) on 02/19/2007 11:46 pm

Oh, and why does butterscotch taste better hard than soft. I hate butterscotch chips but i love werthers.

Keith (Guest) on 02/20/2007 6:47 am

the comments show butterscotch clearly breeds insanity stop eating butterscotch butterscotch butterscotch butterscotch butterscotch butterscotch

NotDavid (Guest) on 02/20/2007 7:00 am

Butterscotch? BUTTERSCOTCH?

NOOOOOO!!!!!

the boy (Guest) on 02/20/2007 10:14 am

Butterscotch fucking sucks. Hate it. Makes me puke.

Glad you got back safe, jerk. You suck at bowling.

Bye.

Big Bruno (Guest) on 02/20/2007 11:36 am

I love sucking on a big butterscotch. Mmmmm.... so lip smackingly moist!

WHAT (Guest) on 02/20/2007 11:53 am

butterscotch is a candy, which is manufactured by werthers. these candies are small, oval-shaped, and are mainly distinguisheed by a large holeshasped oppression in oine side of them. butterscotch cnadies are known to cost quite a lot of money, due to their "luxurious" taste. butterscotch is also a known flavor of ice cream sauce, and is usuail served hot when in this form. butterscotch liqueur is a form of liquor flavored like butterscotch. an actual drink of butter and scotch is not, as many would believe, a simple dairy product, but a combination of scotch, and butter. it would be generally assumed that adding butter to scotch should make the scotch richer, and somehow more enjoyable.

Lauren (Guest) on 02/20/2007 11:55 am

Butterscotch is for masochist.
It is also for bottoms.
It belongs in new jars of enbalming fluid and is a thrifty way to keep the eyes of the dead closed aside from the use of a pair of coin.

Although sweet, butterscotch is made by wealthy families who don't give a damn about you nor me.

It is highly recommended that butterscotch is used in the most bile ways in activity as possible.

Angry Hoolio (Guest) on 02/20/2007 2:08 pm

Butterscotch is probably my favourite candy, despite one time biting through one as a child and a big sharp spear stabbing me in the roof of the mouth and causing suc an alarming flow of blood from my mouth that was rushed to hospital.

Reed (Guest) on 02/20/2007 2:59 pm

Weird that you bring it up...I had a sudden inexplicable urge to eat butterscotch a few days ago. Something in the air perhaps?

Steve (Guest) on 02/20/2007 3:49 pm

I used to like butterscotch candies.

Then one night I had a terrible dream where I ate one butterscotch candy that caused me to have a violent vomiting fit that wouldn't end until I woke with a start to realize it was all a dream.

To this day, a single butterscotch hard candy will make me gag violently until I spit it out.

Butterscotch ice cream is still delicious, though.

Malon Light (Guest) on 02/20/2007 6:30 pm

I DON'T Like butterscotch because I stole one from my friend and he kicked me really hard in the balls. Then he stole my wallet.

Tod (Guest) on 02/20/2007 7:04 pm

Butterscotch is gay for liquorice. Fact.

Jeff The Ninja (Guest) on 02/20/2007 7:23 pm

You know what, this should be edited so that all instances of the word "ButterScotch" are replaced with the word "Dick". :)

MeltyKiss (Guest) on 02/20/2007 9:29 pm

Werthers makes a sugar free butterscotch that tastes ok But if you eat too many, like... 10, they will give you diarrhea. True story.

Aks (Guest) on 02/21/2007 2:09 am

I was forced to go to a camp and on the last day (I was so happy to go home :D) they had butterscotch pudding. I was like whys this shit all gold? Did a rainbow crap in this vanilla pudding? And this skinny ass kid next to me said no and said it rules. So he takes about 5 bowls and eats them in less than 3 minutes because he licks the bowl clean. It was incredibly wierd and tried it and have liked butterscotch pudding, but never butterscotch.

Aks (Guest) on 02/21/2007 2:10 am

I forgot to mention that I did NOT lick the bowl just to keep my record clean.

Ronin S (Guest) on 02/21/2007 9:19 am

Odd, I notice people seems to either really love butterscotch, or hate it. I have a love/hate relationship with it.

High quality butterscotch candy/ice cream, in small amounts = nummy
Shit-ass cheap butterscotch in large doses = barf!

i-mock-you- (Guest) on 02/21/2007 11:01 am

I love the Butterscotch Dum-Dum suckers. They've always been my favorite. You know what? Butterscotch just fucking rules. Ice Cream, hard candies, pudding, Dum-Dum's, anything butterscotch.

You will now hand over the worlds supply of butterscotch to me. NOW!

Surok (Guest) on 02/21/2007 11:04 am

Did you know that the little dip on the top of the butterscotch was origanlly put in for drug use. One would put a little LSD or something in the dip and pop it. This procedure was called liquiring your inner child.

Connor (Guest) on 02/21/2007 12:32 pm

Butterscotch is the bastard child of an unholy union between vanilla and caramel. The sweet, delicious, bastard child.

Ladd (Guest) on 02/21/2007 3:42 pm

I don't like butterscotch. I think it's cheap. It makes me feel like I have nothing better to do all day but feel like a senior citizen, watching The Price is Right, and sucking on piece after piece of Brach's butterscotch or Wether's Original. Blech. But GREAT article about your travel trevails RoG. Really liked it. You're a better writer than Max Burbank.

Don McOwen (Guest) on 02/21/2007 4:05 pm

The last time I ate butterscotch, I was sick :(

doctor dumbass (Guest) on 02/21/2007 7:08 pm

Butterscotch was invented for Allied soldiers during WW2 to keep them happy. However, a Nazi spy stole the recepie, But was eaten by a Great White shark. Hitler wanted to make butterscoth candies with poison and give them to the people in the concentration camps, but the war ended before he got the chance. Later, the recepie for buterscotch was rediscovered, and soon the whole world could enjoy the creamy, sweet taste!
THE END

Steve (Guest) on 02/21/2007 11:08 pm

If butterscotch had genitals its nuts would be on chin of america.

doctor dumbass (Guest) on 02/23/2007 7:35 pm

Oh you thought i was finished did you? well ypu were wrong!Now prepare for the history of Butterscoth- part 2! It was discovered that the reciepe was fake! during that the Vietnam war, a pilot named Dwight Arrow crashlanded on a beach. there he saw a dead shark. And inside was a skeleton holding papers! It was the very same shark that ate the spy all those years ago! SO dwight made himmself a raft,took the REAL recepie
with him, and sailed back to America. Along the way he had many adventures, such as being shot at and having sex with a mermaid. Once he reached America, he was treated like a hero. Dwight was supposed to have recieved a medal from the president, but he died the day before from AIDS.
At the peak of the cold war,Nixon was about to give the oder to fire the first rocket, when a Russian Dimplomat came and said the USSR would surrender if they got the recipie for Butterscotch. That;s right, Butterscotch saved the world from Armegdron! As for it's future, who knows? Can we use it to bribe Korea and Iran? Can it be turned into gold? Can it be used to cure impotence? only time will tell, dear reader. Only time will tell....

CJ Cassisi (Guest) on 02/24/2007 12:57 pm

I don't like butterscotch too much. it's ok in cookie form, but i'll take the one candy that rules all others any day: GUUUMMMMIIIIS!!!!!!!!!

Jennie (Guest) on 02/24/2007 7:47 pm

I took Jeff the Ninja's advice and read all the comments substituting "dick" for "butterscotch".

Dick owns because it reminds me of childhood for two reasons... She also used to make “wasps nest cake” with vanilla cake mix, dick pudding (instead of the eggs and shit) and a whole bigass bag of dick chips.

Mmm... dick chips. Betcha can't eat just one!

Dino (Guest) on 12/21/2008 10:07 pm

Butterscotch , hmmmm let's see , tastes great in candy form , an excellent partner with pancakes in ice cream form , a delight in ice cream form.

One complaint is that it's not exactly friendly to your waistline ^^