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My New Aquatic Pets

We <3 Cryptobiosis

Before I went to college, I used to have pets all the time. Cats, fish, reptiles, bugs... you name it. While all the other kids were dreaming of becoming astronauts and baseball stars, I was 100% certain that I wanted to become an entomologist. One of my hobbies was catching black widow spiders in jars and then showing them to my friends, impressing them with my vast knowledge of arachnids. "See this one here? See the red hourglass symbol on it? That means it can kill ya!" Yes indeed, I was well on my way to a rewarding career in entomology.

Then I got my first computer and all of a sudden my interests in living creatures was replaced by a box that made bleeps and bloops. That's right, I turned my back on my animal brethren for a computer with dual 5ΒΌ inch floppy disk drives and a CGA monitor. I was no longer tending to my kuhli loaches, I was tending to ASCII artwork and running a big dial-up computer bbs with WWIV software. I was no longer overturning logs in the woods to see what kind of deadly creatures I could find, I was reading old issues of "2600" to see just how much I could become like Matthew Broderick in "War Games". Computers were just really exciting to me and I soaked up everything about 'em like a sponge. But what about pets?

Cats have always been my favorite kind of pet, and I've had a few in the past, but I don't have any now and I often wonder why. It's certainly not because I don't want one... every time I see somebody who has one I'm extremely envious. I think it's more a question of, "Do I really have the time to dedicate to one of those things?" Granted, they're not like dogs which require you to take them outside just so they can take a dump at 11pm and then have you remove it from the sidewalk in a plastic baggie - an experience that I'm sure is very rewarding to dog owners. Cats definitely are loners who can take care of themselves and that's something I've always liked about 'em... they'll curl up on you and be your best friend, but they also don't need you to pamper the hell out of 'em. Problem is, I don't live in the suburbs in a nice house like I did when I lived with my family back in the day. I live in a rental condo in West Hollywood and I wouldn't feel comfortable letting the cat out to go run around outside. I'd be too worried about it getting lost or hit by a car or invited into one of the many local gay bars for an appletini, never to be seen again. And I dunno, all the cats I had when I was a kid were free to roam outdoors, and I guess I have trouble seeing one being happy couped up indoors all the time... even though there's plenty of evidence out there to suggest otherwise.

Another thing is, in case you haven't noticed, I really like to travel a lot. I wouldn't want to bring a cat (or a dog) on any trip with me, so that would mean I'd need to have somebody watch my pet while I was out of town. Now I don't like to be a burden to anyone, but I also wouldn't trust any of the few people I know out here to have access to my place while I'm out of town. It's not that they're bad friends, it's that they're the kind of people who would probably "teabag" everything I own and then show me pictures of it after I return from my trip for a good chuckle or two. "Oh you brushed your teeth with that Rog? Well guess what your toothbrush was up to while you were out of town? Har har!" No thanks. So yeah, I'm not sure when I'm gonna get a cat... maybe if I ever move into a house, which I don't foresee happening anytime soon.

Sea-Monkeys on Mars!

Fortunately, I have something else to keep me entertained now. I was given some Sea-Monkeys off of my Amazon Wish List this past holiday season by my internet chum, Kryten Syxx, who did a Splattrax with me last October for "The Blob". Believe it or not, up until this point, I never had Sea-Monkeys before and that's something I regret, because these things are friggin great - especially since this particular set comes in a Mars-themed mini-aquarium. It's like raising happy little sperm and watching them swim around the red planet with glee.

Now, I'm really anal about raising aquatic pets; I only use bottled water, I check the PH balance regularly and all that shit... and I've been equally scrupulous about raising these Sea-Monkeys. I've gone so far as to make a nerdy feeding schedule chart for them. Well, I'm proud to report that after a few weeks, my Sea-Monkeys are now thriving in their alien world. How do I know they're thriving? Because they're now large enough for me to photograph as they swim around the ancient Martian canals, that's how!

Dance my little monkeys... DANCE!

Pretty impressive eh? That's because I didn't just raise them with love, I raised them with ultra-scientific geekdom. I keep holding up their tank and proudly showing them to Re, "Look how big they're getting! See 'em swimming around the spaceship in there?" And all she responds with is, "Get those nasty looking things away from me." The Sea-Monkey enthusiast stands alone in this cold, cold world...

Fortunately, I have other things that I plan on ordering for my Sea-Monkeys. I had no idea there were such insane things you could buy for them. I mean look at some of this shit!

Sea-Monkey Toys and Treats!

"Cupid's Arrow" Sea-Monkey mating powder? That's just a cutesy name for Sea-Monkey VIAGRA, my friends. A powder to make your Sea-Monkeys horny. I'm also quite positive that the "Super Food" is just a cutesy name for Sea-Monkey STEROIDS. And what about the diamonds? The Sea-Monkeys will apparently push these "sea-gems" around their lil' tank for some much needed exercise? Last but not least, the "Banana Treat" packet is described as a tasty dessert for your Sea-Monkeys. It really sounds delicious too doesn't it? Banana Treat. I simply must see some of this shit in action. Amazing.

So who here has raised Sea-Monkeys? How long did they last? Furthermore, what other kind of pets do you guys have and what's it been like raising 'em?


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lumpisan on 01/11/2008 2:43 am

well i have never gottena hold of seamonkeys..but i did have a leopard gecko that was very very independent. just had to give her a half dozen crickets every few days...nice ot have a pet that has a 50 year life erxpectancy.had to leave her home though...apparnetly geckos cant be traken on trains for some reason.


Flowtac (Guest) on 01/11/2008 2:48 am

Well, it's interesting to see someone show so much enthusiam for sea monkeys. But I'm definitely as surprised you are to see there are such things as sea monkey viagra and steroids. I could only imagine the commercials (if there were any) promoting this shit.

Now imagine that one boys and girls.


Finn (Guest) on 01/11/2008 2:52 am

I had Sea Monkeys once. Unfortunately, I left their underwater world out in the sun for too long on a hot summer day. I am now being held before the Sea Monkey tribunal for genocide.

And i have kitten named Kraken. I agree whole-heartedly with your stance on cats, independent pets are the way to be.


Jesse W. (Guest) on 01/11/2008 3:02 am

I am living in my first apartment still and I adopted a cat from the humane society about half a year ago. He is kind of crazy at times, but mostly he is a big sweetheart. Adopting from the shelter is a rewarding experience for me. I really feel like I took a neglected animal and gave him a loving home. He stays indoors all day too (with the exception of the balcony) and he seems pretty content.


Count Mek (Guest) on 01/11/2008 6:50 am

Oh I had those for quite the while, they seemed to had died out after the container fell off the windowsill into my carpet though... There were air holes... I don't like talking about it...

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Vila on 01/11/2008 8:20 am

Sea Monkies aka Brine Shrimp are, I believe, sold out of Mono Lake for ... oh hell it's been a good while since I was last up there... 2-5 bucks for a tub of about a hundred.

Tip. They actually thrive in salty water.

For All yer sea Monkey porn:

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Mormon_Norman on 01/11/2008 10:44 am

What ever happened to your ants in the neon blue habitat?

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Ausohj on 01/11/2008 11:04 am

I had sea monkeys before. I did not love them, nor was I a nerd so they remained fairly small and I could never really photograph them without having to explain in great detail which was the sea monkey and which was the grain of sand. So...I'm actually really impressed with yours, they are everything I wanted mine to be and that makes me hate you a little more inside...
But good luck with that! May your sea monkeys live long and prosper (ok so maybe I wasn't the right kind of nerd)

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J. Tithonus Pednaud on 01/11/2008 11:25 am

A Sea Monkeys colony can live for about 2 years. The food is actually just yeast and algae. The "Cupid's Arrow" is pretty much just salt. However, none of that takes away from the awesomeness that is Sea Monkeys.

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Pentegarn on 01/11/2008 11:41 am

When I was a kid I never got Sea Monkeys, I had a preconceived notion of them that I refused to let go of with them. I thought they required lots of work. I have since found out that I was mistaken but alas, the damage was already done. I grew into adulthood sea monkey-less. Now I have different reasons for not getting them, I have no place to put them. I feel something as cool as Sea Monkeys deserve a place of display prominence, and in my tight living quarters, I am unable to provide that. Maybe someday though...

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Xystus on 01/11/2008 12:05 pm

what happened to mutsu :(

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wobzire on 01/11/2008 12:10 pm

I watched that movie when I was ten, where Wesley Snipes is a dangerous criminal and Stallone is a cop and they freeze them (OH MY GOD WHAT IS THE NAME THIS WILL KILL ME). Long story short; I wanted my older sisters prized sea monkeys to live in a world where they could wipe their monkey bums with seashells. Suffice to say I got in trouble and wasn't allowed to use the freezer until about age eighteen.

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arg_zombies on 01/11/2008 12:27 pm

I once had sea monkeys for christmas (yeah yeah sea monkeys aren't just for christmas..)and my mum flushed them because she thought it was just a pot of water :tear

But it was really cool because when I got them, they came in this huge white rocket with a red light in the center :O

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arg_zombies on 01/11/2008 12:28 pm

damn, my html is rubbish

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Undead Overlord on 01/11/2008 3:45 pm

I had some hermit crabs one, I'd race them around the floor. But they died in about two weeks, now I only breed werewolves. Makes alot of money at the tracks. I might try a guinea pig or two in a little while, though.

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MrEff on 01/11/2008 3:58 pm

wobzire: You mean Demolition Man

Sea Monkeys are cool, although now whenever I see them I'm always reminded of that South Park episode, and my wish to create a mini empire rises.


That guy (Guest) on 01/11/2008 4:31 pm

I got one of these for Christmas when I was a kid, basically sea monkeys are supposed to live for about seven years, but I can remember my cousin telling me that he had a sea monky colony for something near fifteen years. I think he had them until he went to college, then... *flush* you get the idea...

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wobzire on 01/11/2008 4:41 pm



Captain Struggle (Guest) on 01/11/2008 5:01 pm

I had them when I was a kid. My mom thought it would be nice to give them some light and put them in the windowsill. They cooked.

Yep, still pretty upset about that


Aura Fox (Guest) on 01/11/2008 5:05 pm

For eight years ive had a hairy meatloaf that could be, on some level, considered a dog.

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Nick on 01/11/2008 5:15 pm

It's sad that Brine Shrimp only live for three seasons in Mono Lake. :(


Ex Leper (Guest) on 01/11/2008 5:18 pm

Maybe they will grow to human size like on the State

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Burn on 01/11/2008 5:46 pm

Oh wow! I had that exact same Martian landscape habitat thingy as well a few years back. Something to note is that the color and paint will fade after a few months... :(


Misty (Guest) on 01/11/2008 7:00 pm

I had Sea Monkeys a long time ago, but they didn't last very long (and by "very long" I mean, barely a week), probably because my then-friend dumped a thing of my asthma medcine into the tank because they were next to the tank as I needed them at the time and he was too stupid to read.

Sea Monkeys aside, I have two cats (male grey tabby and female calico) who are more then happy to lay around the house all day. Letting them outside is a rather bad idea because theres more then just cars outside waiting to get them. But they're more then happy enough to stay inside, where they get 3 meals a day brought to them and sleep on the beds.

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Ferrit on 01/12/2008 12:57 am

"anal about aquatic pets" RoG?
"I've had fish tanks before, and if I didn't kill the fish by letting the PH balance of the water get so far off that it burned my fingers when I touched it, the algae grew so thick that I couldn't even see the fish. Ok I'm exaggerating, but my fish tank was by no means the cleanest tank out there. I mean really, who wants to clean out a fish tank when you can watch a re-runs of Danger Mouse?"

I really hope you've been born again in your aquatic maintenance abilities - for the sake of the poor little sea monkeys :P

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Ferrit on 01/12/2008 12:59 am

damn you BB code gods - damn you to hell


Blood_panther (Guest) on 01/12/2008 2:03 am

A rally cool thing about sea monkeys is, the almost invinceable. once they reach a certain size, (about as big as the ones in the picture) there are always eggs at the bottom of the "tank". so even if you then let all the water evaporate and all you sea monkeys die, all you need to do is add more water. the eggs in there hibernative sleep will soon wake up and hatch, bring monkey joy to everyone.


Poop on a Stick (Guest) on 01/12/2008 2:14 am

Monkey joy...... Oh brother! LOL


El Sammo (Guest) on 01/12/2008 4:00 am

I had sea monkeys for about a month, and they were doing awesome, until my dumbass cousin threw a tantrum about some stupid shit and chucked them onto the carpet...


Holly (Guest) on 01/12/2008 5:23 am

I had some sea monkeys two years ago, too, but they died because it got too cold in my studio--but I got pretty excited about them, too--mine is the habitat with the glow-in-the-dark shipwreck--AWESOME!! I wanted to get the sea monkey racetrack, too--supposedly they always swim against the flow of water, so the track has water running down, so the monkeys will swim up. I wanted to get the diamonds, too, but I have another "batch" waiting in the tank for whenever I decide to hatch them.
on a side note, though--I got one set-up when I was a kid and the awesome package design pictures are so misleading that they could be considered child abuse. I've enjoyed them much more as an adult.


CJ Cassisi (Guest) on 01/12/2008 7:44 am

hm,mmm, i got some of those triassic triops things, but never got around to bringing them to life...
I have a kitty whose black with a whitestar on her throat and she's a good kittty, yes she is! whose my snuggums? you are! 'w'

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Maxwell Demon on 01/12/2008 9:51 am

Ive had sea moneys, but i fucked up cuz they numberd all the packages including the food and i assumed you were just sposed to dump all of em in there in order to make the sea moneys happen. It was just cloudy with little fibers floatin around. I took em outside and gave em a proper burial, basically just absorbing them into the dirt more then likely killing them instantly if they were ever alive to begin with.

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TheDoomThing on 01/12/2008 11:14 am

i had sea-monkeys as a kid, and they SUCKED. and i was to lazy to feed them, and the packets ran out fast.

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TheDoomThing on 01/12/2008 11:14 am

and their just a small kind of shrimp

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KrytenSyxx on 01/12/2008 1:51 pm

Wow. If I had seen the Sea Monkey steroids and viagra I would have gotten that too to go along with your gift. Can brine shrimp get roid rage?


Hyatari (Guest) on 01/12/2008 2:01 pm

Haven't had a pet since my cat was run over in 2006.
Vaguely remember a budgie from when I was a nipper that just shat everywhere and annoyed the tits off of everyone with constant squawking, and a bad history of suicidal goldfish and lazy hamsters, but that's it.

Someone who used to work where I do told me about how she used to have a Scorpion that she overfed to the point of it getting too fat for its shell.

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mburbank on 01/12/2008 2:38 pm

Okay, here is my Sea Monkey story. Back in the eighties I used to tour with an Improv comedy group called 'Guilty Children'. About half the group would go out on tour and the other half stay home and do local gigs, and sometimes we'd switch off a player or two.

My pal Scott Stiffler decided to breed some Sea Monkeys on the road. They'd ride from gig to gig with us, spend the night in our motel rooms, and generally bring us joy. After we'd been on the road about two months, one of the group (Betsy Salkind) who'd been doing home gigs met up with us on the road. She didn't know about our little road pets. When she saw the little Sea Monkey habitat in the cup holder, she said
"Oh! A Snow Globe" and gave it several vigourous shakes. Salty water and maimed brine shrimp flew out of the air vents in the lid and got all over everyone. Only two hearty monkies surviuved the carnage, but sadly they did not live long.

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incognit000 on 01/12/2008 3:09 pm

I found a 1 lb bag of sea monkey eggs in an abandoned laboratory once. I spirited them out, put them in a tank, and ignored them overnight.

Do you have any idea how many billion of those things are in a single teaspoon? Jesus christ.

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thecatillaccat on 01/12/2008 6:58 pm


I'm a cat owner, even though I loathe and despise the beasts. Wierdest thing I ever owned was a sugar glider that my sister abandoned. Bah. Demonic soul-stealing big eyed rats.


BLT (Guest) on 01/13/2008 12:04 am


I've never known anyone who kept sea monkeys for more than a month.

There's even a song about that.

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JackSchmidtKnifeThrower on 01/13/2008 12:57 am

Never had Sea Monkeys. I dide'nt really think about it that much. The Mars themed tank looks pretty sweet though. The first Futurama Comic involved ancient Sea Monkeys. Grew twice the size of a skyscraper. Maybe THATS what happens when you put too much of the 'Super Food' in there....

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BurntToShreds on 01/13/2008 1:06 am

I have two dogs. One is a dachsund and the other is half corgie half something. We've had the corgie since '96, and he's still kickin'. The bad thing about that is that whenever I try to clip his nails, he goes into a bloody rage. Even if he is about 12 years old, he can still draw blood.

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Fat_Hippo on 01/13/2008 3:40 pm

I've never had any pet in my life. I have nothing against dogs, but I'm just WAY to lazy for one, and while a cat might be cool, for the same reasons as yours, but unfortunately I'm allergic. So is my dad. Sucks, doesn't it? The one animal you might've like as a pet, and you're friggin' allergic. Just dandy. Seamonkeys might be cool to have at one point though, sure.


Eric (Guest) on 01/13/2008 6:15 pm

i had em once as a kid and i fucked up with the food big time..haven't had em since.

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Jaimas on 01/13/2008 7:07 pm

I had Sea Monkeys once! I used to keep them in the dining room.

...Then one day my mother mistook their aquarium for a cup of rancid water or something and then dumped the container out in the sink.

Horror ensued. I don't wish to remember it. -.-


Bobby Baghead (Guest) on 01/13/2008 7:13 pm

My friend bought some Seamonkeys...They all died within a few days...

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-RoG- on 01/13/2008 7:36 pm

Hahaha, wow... how did you guys all kill your Sea-Monkeys so quickly? I simply read the directions and these things have been thriving for weeks now. You're all MONKEY MURDERERS!

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JackSchmidtKnifeThrower on 01/13/2008 10:43 pm

Not me, thank you. Good job -RoG-. looks like you might have 'em for a while.


Bilfred (Guest) on 01/13/2008 10:45 pm

A few quick words of advice:
1. Sea monkeys do not thrive when tipped into shag carpet, no matter how much logic dictates to the opposite.
2. If you don't feed sea monkeys for long enough, they start to die off and then the corpses keep disappearing until there's only ONE GIANT CANNIBAL SEA MONKEY LEFT! Or maybe that just happens to me.

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Maxwell Demon on 01/14/2008 9:22 am

Hey ROG thats not fair most of us were stupid little kids at the time. You waited until you were a fully(mostly?) mentally developed adult to take on the grave responsibility of the sea monkeys. I AM NOT A MONKEY MURDERER!!


worm lover (Guest) on 01/14/2008 11:28 am

Up until now I never really knew what full grown sea monkeys looked like. They remind me of my old tank of triops though. Since you like the sea monkeys so much, you should really try growing triops. They get fairly big and they look incredibly cool.

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calavera on 01/16/2008 6:48 pm

is it wrong that i feed seamonkeys to my marine fish??

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Geminate on 01/20/2008 3:15 am

Long long long ago my Sea-Monkeys (aka Brine Shrimp) lasted 7 years, with several meltdowns. All you do is add more water and stir, if they get all dried up (meltdown). I suppose they would have lasted forever, but I fed them to my fish out of boredom. My Kuhli Loach lasted 12 years though, I am very proud of that.

Cats are the greatest, but if they are house cats (house only, never outside) you should have two - then they will entertain each other and will not get bored and depressed when you are away. For all doors, including the front door you must have a screen door, to ensure that they do not escape and become roadkill. Having them in the house is essential in California, since if they go outside they will get fleas and infest your house, then they will eat the fleas and flea eggs while grooming and that will give the cats tapeworms. Cats cannot digest tapeworms, so you then have to take them to the vet for a shot that gives them the ability to digest the tapeworms for about a week - one shot will do it per infestation. Of course you have to spray every inch of your house's floor with flea poison, up to 3 times to kill all the fleas and flea eggs first. Too much information huh.

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The_Funktasm on 01/27/2008 7:26 am

Now I wanna get some...


I-Mockery Blabber (Guest) on 05/07/2008 6:34 pm

[...] some of you may recall that I received a "Sea Monkeys on Mars" set from a generous I-Mockery pal back in December. Well, I thought I'd let you know that they're alive and well, and some have grown quite large. [...]


seamonkeyman100 (see me on youtube) (Guest) on 03/05/2009 4:43 pm

I've had sea-monkeys before...THEY ROCK!!! after a while I moved on to other things. but I just ordered sea-monkeys on mars 3 days ago because my room looked dead. (seriously)

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