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Monster Briefs. Horror Magazine Covers And Your Crotch, Together At Last.

Laugh at 'em all you want. You know you'd secretly wear them if they were still for sale.
Click to enlarge.

For a while, I really thought I was a guy who had it all. Then I saw this ad for Monster Briefs and quickly realized just how little I had. If there's one thing I've always said I want near my junk, it's words like "Monsters", "Creepy" and "Eerie".



The Nike Horror Pack: Freddy Krueger Has Some Gruesome… Sneakers?

1, 2, Freddy's coming with shoes. 3, 4, better watch your floors...

I'm not sure how these slipped past my radar, but apparently Nike actually released some sneakers last year based on Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street films. I'm guessing I never knew about 'em since I'm one of those people who cares very little about shoes and buys a new pair once every... oh I dunno... ten years. From what I can tell, it was a very limited release known as "The Horror Pack", but the sneakers are undoubtedly Freddy. As you can see, the pattern on the shoes matches his infamous red and green striped sweater. I like how the Nike logo is a shiny silver just like one of Freddy's razor fingers too. There's also some blood splatters all around the borders of 'em, but I think the effect would've been a lot nicer if the blood was everywhere. These are Freddy's sneakers after all. We're talking about a guy who spends most of his time down in a grimy boiler room, so I doubt any sneakers he wears would look so clean. The real shocker here is that people wouldn't even get to see the truly best part about this set o' sneaks if you were wearing them... (more...)



What Shall I Be For Halloween?

UPDATE: Sorry for all the downtime yesterday folks... our server decided to go into read-only mode (because it's HAUNTED! OoooOoooo!!!), so no comments could get through and a lot of stuff broke. Anyway, you should now be able to post your costume ideas for Protoclown along with your comments in any of our articles. New Halloweeny stuff coming soon! (Please note: The server may be up and down a bit today still as it's being worked on... I think Slimer left his ectoplasm all over the damned thing.)


Halloween is fast approaching, and with its approach comes the inevitable question: just what in the hell am I going to be this year? Though Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, I never, ever know what I am going to be until the last minute, and I usually have little choice but to resort to buying a costume from one of those local, seasonal Halloween shops, because by the time I realize I still don't know what I'm going to be, it's already too late to actually construct something myself. It doesn't help that I'm about as skilled at costume creation as I am brain surgery, or forming cults of rabid devotees who shower me with money. (more...)



Zombie Finger Puppets! Yes Indeed, You Too Can Finger A Zombie!


Yeah, I said it... so what? If you've got a problem with that, I have five new undead friends on my fingers that will gladly devour your beefy brains without even blinking. I stumbled onto these guys mixed in with a bunch of other cheap toys at one of my favorite novelty shops here L.A. and immediately fell in love with 'em. Unfortunately, nowhere on their rotting torsos does it say what company produced them, but a quick search on the Internet (oh Internet, what can't you do?) for "zombie finger puppets" turns up plenty o' results and it turns out they're made and sold by Archie McPhee. Anywho, being a big fan of those classic rubber monster finger puppets that we all know so well, I was happy to see these new zombie-themed ones... especially since they glow-in-the-dark! (more...)



In Which My Hometown Stands Revealed.

Max Burbank, reporting to you live (or UNalive... har! har!) from Salem, Massachusetts!

Laws, but I damn well love my hometown. And why not?

Say a whole busload of the most disreputable Carnie folk slammed at great speed into the National Museum of American History just as they’d convened their biggest black tie gala stuffed shirt capital campaign event ever, and you had to take the resulting mess and magically transform it into a geographical destination. The result might be something like Salem, Massachusetts.

Rich in Maritime history, home to Nathaniel Hawthorne, the very first place in North America to be visited by an Elephant, birthplace of Parker Brother’s Games; all regularly eclipsed by a very brief flirtation with Witch Hysteria followed by the execution of sixteen people based on spectral evidence. Small peanuts compared to Europe where you could roast marshmallows at an autodafe on every street corner for most of a century. (more...)



How Come The Creature From The Black Lagoon Gets No Respect?

What an amazing job they did on capturing his likeness! It's as if I'm staring at the REAL Creature from the Black Lagoon!

I feel bad for the Creature from the Black Lagoon. No really, I do. Sure, he's a famous monster 'n all... but when it comes down to it, he really doesn't get the kind of respect that Dracula, Frankenstein*, the Wolfman and The Mummy do. If you ask me, I think it's partially because of his epithetic name. He doesn't really have a name since Gill-man never caught on and I've always hated that name for him since gills aren't terrifying. Wolfman? Yeah, that's something you clearly don't wanna screw with. Gill-man? Sounds more like something your cat would have as a chew toy. Of course, "Creature from the Black Lagoon" which is quite a mouthful too, and if you shorten it to just plain old "Creature", nobody's gonna know what you're talking about. He really deserved a cooler name, but it's probably too late for that now. Sure, I still call him Lagoony from time to time, but I doubt Universal will do a modernized story about him featuring that nickname anytime soon (nor should they). I guess I just don't understand why they couldn't come up with a catchy short name for him like Swamp Thing had. And hey, speaking of Swamp Thing, that brings me to my next point... (more...)


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