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in-which-i-lean-precariously-over-the-abyss

In Which I Lean Precariously Over The Abyss.

by Max Burbank on 05/20/2008, 6:42 pm

At least I don't have to eat my cake through a straw... yet

Gentle reader, tomorrow at around 1:35 pm I will be forty-six years old. In any case that’s how it is with me as I type these words. By the time they are posted my birthday may be in process, or have come and gone. By the time you read this, who knows how old I’ll be, if I’m alive at all? Or maybe you’ll never read this, in which case I shall be immortal.

The demographics of the fine web site you are now enjoying suggest that I am your elder, in most cases by a good number of years. Many of you have parents younger than I, which I imagine makes all three of us shudder, unless you are my offspring, in which case the number shuddering would be two. Or four and three respectively if you join us in shuddering. (more...)

36 Comments

in-which-i-offer-an-object-lesson

In Which I Offer An Object Lesson.

by Max Burbank on 05/05/2008, 4:47 pm

Fuck zebras, my stripes are way cooler.

As a young man I spent several summers employed at an Adirondack Camp that catered to the artistically inclined, emotionally frail offspring of New York Jews. Not exclusively, you understand, but it’s what we got a lot of, god bless every one of them and all their inhalers. Though tips were not allowed it still paid better than migrant farm work and most days you got to swim. Counselors, as we were called, were required to arrive at least a week before the children, to ‘prep’ the camp for their arrival, and it was under these auspices that that I was asked to accompany Dennis the handyman and address a problem involving underground bees. The few sad horses we kept were stabled near the entrance to the camp, quite a hike from the lake, bunks and other out buildings and while he was repairing the winters damage to various fences, the boss noticed bees flying up out of the ground. Lots more folks are afraid of bees than of horses which strikes me as stupid, horses being so much bigger, but the boss did not think any children would venture out to the horses if bees were coming up out of the ground. As horseback riding was one of the things he charged extra for, there was no way the current state of affairs could be allowed to continue. (more...)

39 Comments

in-which-i-confess-a-terrible-secret

In Which I Confess A Terrible Secret.

by Max Burbank on 04/23/2008, 1:20 pm

Well, we know who's the pick of the litter
I hope this basket of puppies acts as a Red Herring!

Tonight, gentle reader, there will be tears in my house. I’d like to tell you they will be my daughters, as there’s nothing shameful in a twelve or eight year old girl crying over something on TV. I’m tempted to tell you my bride is destined to ride the boo-hoo caboose, and well she may without shame, the weeping of women being socially acceptable. But surely by now you know if I am ‘all about’ anything, I am ‘all about’ the truth. Yes, the women of my household may cry tonight, but before their tears reach the river Lachrymose, a boiling flood of extra salty man tears may join them. I could lie and tell you they were the tears of our border Lester, the wise and ancient Negro who lives in our attic, but sadly his tear ducts were long ago sold to laboratories for smack money. No, gentle reader, no. The man tears, if man tears there are, will be mine. (more...)

47 Comments

in-which-we-discuss-our-relationship

In Which We Discuss Our Relationship.

by Max Burbank on 04/11/2008, 2:22 am

Mind your damned business, punk!

Gentle reader, would you say that you and I were close? I like to think we are. I feel as if I can tell you anything. And I know you can trust me because I will always tell you the truth with the exception of those times when I am telling you things that are not true at all. But you won’t know, and that’s what makes our relationship ideal. That is why, over time, and with dedication, you will come to know me far, far better than the real people in my real life I owe the real truth to. My bride, my children, the many, many judges, officers of the court and law and criminal justice professionals I come before. With them, I am constrained to share only what I do, whereas with you, I can tell you who I am. (more...)

29 Comments

in-which-i-thank-kid-rock

In Which I Thank Kid Rock.

by Max Burbank on 03/06/2008, 2:46 pm

My name is kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid... er, say, can anybody spare a buck so I can buy a waffle?

“Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty to Waffle House Battery”

Understand, I only vaguely know who Kid Rock is. I know he’s a celebrity musician, rock or rap or something, and I seem to recall a Dwarf associated with one of his videos. I know he has dabbled in the country music scene, and that there is a slight odor of proud white trash about him, and if he hasn’t had a reality show already I’m sure he will. I want to be clear that I can’t call a single tune of his to mind and that my knowledge of him is gained completely through cultural osmosis. And I want to thank him. (more...)

27 Comments

in-which-i-reveal-my-dabbling-in-the-sciences

In Which I Reveal My Dabbling In The Sciences.

by Max Burbank on 02/21/2008, 5:22 pm

I saw the eclipse... in the reflection of my TV screen!

Gentle Reader, what can I tell you today?

Last night, during commercial breaks in American Idol, I watched a total eclipse of the moon. I’m certain the confluence of events was informative in some way, but it hasn’t processed yet. I favor the lady with the two-tone hair and I think eclipse phenomena are overrated in general, although I enjoyed it. We are constantly being told that some astronomical function is taking place which has not happened in many years and won’t happen again in our lifetimes, but it seems as if taken as a whole they happen with unkind regularity. I can only be called upon to be amazed so many times. As an employee of a science museum, I recognize this opinion for the shameful lack of character it reveals, but there it is. (more...)

29 Comments

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