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A Pac-Massacre.


One of the nice things about running I-Mockery is that I get a ton o' great emails from people who visit the site. Most of the time, people will write in to say they liked a certain piece or to give me suggestions for future articles, and I always appreciate that kind of stuff. However, there are some emails so awful, it amazes me that these people can find their way onto the Internet. Now, I'm not one to name names, so I'm going to keep the identity of this person protected, but I just had to share this one with you guys. This person sent me an email in regards to my "I Will Beat Pacman" music video:

"I edited your pac man music video to have no swearing. I hope you don't mind, I also think your video animation kind of matches, with me editing your song. The only reason I did this, was so everyone could watch your video."

Sounds innocent enough I suppose, but then I got to thinking, "Wait a minute, I don't really remember using any real profanity in that song." As the email stated, this person created an edited version of the video which they believed that the animation was fairly well synced with the edited music. You have to see this thing to believe it. Take a look 'n listen to both versions for yourselves and tell me what you think.

-"I Will Beat Pacman" (original unedited version)
-"I Will Beat Pacman" (massacred version)

Thank fucking god this person removed words like "hell" and "goddamn" from the song. I can't believe I ever used such language before. I should be ashamed of myself. I love how instead of bleeping out the words that were deemed offensive, this person literally just deleted chunks out of the song and let it keep on playing. And look at how perfectly the video syncs up with the music now! What's that you say? Something about 30 seconds of silence at the end of the edited version while the video continues to play? Oh, that was intentional. You just don't get it. Editing is an art, and the person who did this is a goddamned Picasso.



My Food Network “Unwrapped” Appearance Re-Airing Tonight.


It's late notice, but I just found out that the "Berry Treats" episode on the Food Network's "Unwrapped" show is going to be re-airing tonight. If you get the Food Network, be sure to tune in because I appeared on that episode about 4 years ago to talk about Boo Berry. It'll be on tonight (June 10th) at 11:30pm and (June 11th) at 2:30am. If you're watching it, the segment I'm in is towards the end of the episode. Check-a-check-a-check it out yo!

More site updates coming soon...

update: I-Mockery reader Terrible-D was nice enough to record it and upload it to Youtube for those of you who weren't able to catch the showing. Hit the jump to watch it. (more...)



I Can’t Help Getting Older, But I Don’t Have To Get Old.

On Monday I will be turning 31 years old, and I shall be celebrating my birthday this weekend--I'm sorry, what? Max Burbank already did a birthday blog entry? And recently? Who the fuck does he think he is, stealing my thunder? Well, it's not my fault that our birthdays are so close together, so don't blame me.

Turning 31 is sort of scary, but not in the paralyzing, eye-twitching, pants-shitting way that turning 30 was. But at least at 30 I can still argue that I'm in my "twenties" by virtue of still only being in my third decade. Yes, perhaps it's a stretch, but I'll take what I can get. In any event, in a mere three days time, as I begin my fourth decade on this earth, that is a luxury I will no longer be able to afford. Once you're in the second year with a "3" in front of it, you can't really deny that you're in your thirties, no matter what kind of bizarro non-logic you use. (more...)



The Tohato Mascot Is Made Of Nightmares.


I think I'm in love. A few weeks before my recent vacation in Nags Head, I paid a visit to Mitsuwa Marketplace in Little Tokyo once again and came away with this amazing bag of fiery potato snacks. The snacks themselves, while definitely hotter than your average spicy potato snack, just don't taste that good at all. If you vomited into a deep fryer, shaped it into a ring and added some habanero seasoning and staleness to it, you'd have this particular Tohato snack in a nutshell. But who cares about flavor when you have a mascot like THAT!? If you can find a pepper with a more diabolical face, then I'd love to see it. Just look into those cold eyes and you'll find nothing there but a yearning for murder. I'm dead serious when I say that the Tohato pepper ranks right up there with Domo-Kun when it comes to awesomely twisted Japanese characters. If the two of them were to battle, I'd probably have a heart attack in my face from witnessing such a historic spectacle.

Now I've stated before that I don't speak a word of Japanese, but after doing some research, I've learned that there's a lot more to Tohato than just this one bag of chips with a sinister pepper wearing a Mexican wrestling mask... (more...)



In Which I Question Either The Science Or Vocabulary Of Denise Richards.

Little-known fact: that 'brain bug' in Starship Troopers DID suck out my brains in an early screentest!

"I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm." -Denise Richards, Quoted in the New York Post

I enjoy a celebrity dust up as much as the next person. Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards are in the midst of a prolonged custody battle, which is being played out, as all trials involving vulnerable children should be, in the pages of various exploitation rags and on basic cable. Mr. Sheen alleges Ms. Richards emailed him after their separation, asking him to be a sperm donor, a request he found intrusive. Ms. Richards claims the email in question is a fake and is perturbed that Mr. Sheen chose to share it with the media. So far, all well and good. Marital matters are always complicated, and it would be in poor taste for me to take sides. However, while I embrace Ms. Richards right to communicate her point of view to the media, I must take issue with her choice of words. (more...)


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