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david-after-dentist-a-metal-tribute

“David After Dentist” - A Metal Tribute.

by -RoG- on 02/04/2009, 8:01 pm

Considering it's spread around the web like wildfire in less than 24 hours, I'm sure most of you have seen the "David After Dentist" video already. Well, upon viewing it, I knew this kid had something special and was destined for greatness. And just how can he achieve said greatness? Why... with the aid of METAL of course! With that in mind, I took it upon myself to create this special metal tribute to David. Hope you guys enjoy it!

Rock on young David... rock on!

26 Comments

friday-the-13th-parts-1-3-dvd-re-releases

Friday The 13th Parts 1-3 DVD Re-Releases.

by -RoG- on 02/02/2009, 5:29 pm

These DVDs look SO REAL in 3-D... it's like I'm actually holdin them!

With the 2009 remake of Friday The 13th right around the corner, Paramount has just re-released the first three films on DVD again and sent me some advance copies. Normally, this wouldn't matter at all to a guy like me who's owned the box set for ages now, but there are a few good things about some of these re-releases. First off, as you may already know, all of the Friday the 13th films were forced to be heavily edited by the MPAA back in the day in order to get an R rating. As a result, fans never got to see the full extent of some of Jason Voorhees' most memorable kills. Well, Paramount has finally started to give the fans some of that footage back.

For the first time ever, they've finally released Friday The 13th Uncut. All of the death scenes have been fully restored, so if you've been yearning to see extended footage of Jack (Kevin Bacon) getting an arrow shoved through his neck, this is the DVD for you. It also has some (more...)

21 Comments

in-which-i-confess-to-not-understanding-the-internet

In Which I Confess To Not Understanding The Internet.

by Max Burbank on 01/31/2009, 1:56 am

FACE it... it's not FACEbook until it has your FACE all over it.

Gentle reader, when I first decided to create ‘Myspace’ and ‘Facebook’ pages, I was mostly screwing around. I thought ‘social networking’ sites were entirely populated by gum snapping teenage girls, desperate rock bands pathetically clinging to the belief that they will one day ‘make it’ while knowing in the pits of their stomachs that they will not, and sexual deviants aroused by pretending to be teenage girls, desperate rock bands pathetically clinging to the belief that they will one day ‘make it’ while knowing in the pits of their stomachs that they will not, or both.

In the case of ‘Myspace’, it turns out I was quite correct, except in that I did not account for the large number of people trying to sell pornography while disguised as fun seeking young ladies with Myspace pages.

‘Facebook’, however, has proved to be quite surprising. It has unexpectedly connected to a whole host of old friends, schoolmates, fans of my writing, ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends who want to kill me, parole officers, former cellmates, bail bondsmen, ex-girlfriends who turn out to no longer be girls, the occasional Mexican dwarf I left to die after we collided with that coast guard boat (sorry, Raoul), and ex-girlfriends who turn out not to have been girls at the time I knew them.

It is also the source of a number of pervasive Memes I have not bothered to exploit for cheap laughs.

To put an end to that, I reprint a list which I have already posted on Facebook, an act I justify by the preceding paragraphs, which can only be found right here at I-Mockery.com. That makes this a ‘variant’ and thus more valuable to collectors. Take note, Raoul, as that’s all you’ll get from me... (more...)

34 Comments

olvera-street-rules

Olvera Street Rules.

by -RoG- on 01/26/2009, 3:17 pm

GIVE ME ALL YOUR SPICY TACO SAUCE!

I visited Olvera Street recently and it was quite awesome. As you can see, I walked away with one hell of a mask. I'll try to post all my photos from Olvera Street it by the end of the week. Until then, I assign you all with the highly important task of coming up with a name for my latest Mexican wrestling persona. Who knows... maybe I'll even have him battle my other persona, El Serpento, sometime. I'm always fighting with myself mentally, so I might as well make it more official with a physical battle of epic luchador proportions. Failure to suggest at least one name will result in me breaking into your home, putting you in a figure-four leglock and eating all your food.

78 Comments

why-you-gotta-do-us-like-that-joaquin

Why You Gotta Do Us Like That, Joaquin?

by Protoclown on 01/22/2009, 11:54 pm

ICE ICE BABY!

So have you guys heard that Joaquin Phoenix is a rapper now? Seriously. I'd heard that he was going to quit acting and get into music some time ago, and I immediately thought "Oh cool, obviously he was inspired by his performance in Walk the Line, and decided to start up a band, and unlike every other actor who has ever decided to branch out into music, there's the slim chance that he won't suck because of his strong singing performance as Johnny Cash". Little did I know at the time that he was talking about rap.

Don't get me wrong, I like quite a lot of rap, but when I first heard that's what Joaquin would be doing I knew that this had the potential to be very, very bad. I like Joaquin, and I do not want to see him become a laughing stock. But I am afraid we are starting to see the horrible downward spiral of someone who by all accounts seems like a pretty cool and likable enough guy. (more...)

50 Comments

where-in-the-world-is-protoclown

Where In The World Is Protoclown?

by Protoclown on 01/14/2009, 4:32 am

MTV Cribs needs to do a show all about my place!

Both of you have no doubt noticed by now that the writer known as Protoclown AKA the person known as, well, "me", has been absent for some time. Yes, that's correct. I haven't updated any content to the site since before Christmas, apart from the weekly reviews, which frankly don't take much time at all (except for the white border that goes around the images, which I painstakingly paint one pixel at a time by hand).

Where, oh where could I have been all this time? Was I up to my eyeballs in blow and the best Vegas hookers my absurd casino winnings could buy, the kind that can do delightful "tricks" with any number of random (but not too large) household objects? Perhaps I was on a crab fishing vessel in the North Pacific, disguised as a one-eyed Norwegian named Jaaren Boorger with a predilection for nibbling dark chocolate, patiently biding my time as I awaited the perfect moment to kill my mark? Or maybe I was Mickey Rourke, making a triumphant comeback to film, even though I thought I'd already made a triumphant comeback by appearing in several Robert Rodriguez films? (more...)

25 Comments

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