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in-which-i-offer-an-object-lesson

In Which I Offer An Object Lesson.

by Max Burbank on 05/05/2008, 4:47 pm

Fuck zebras, my stripes are way cooler.

As a young man I spent several summers employed at an Adirondack Camp that catered to the artistically inclined, emotionally frail offspring of New York Jews. Not exclusively, you understand, but it’s what we got a lot of, god bless every one of them and all their inhalers. Though tips were not allowed it still paid better than migrant farm work and most days you got to swim. Counselors, as we were called, were required to arrive at least a week before the children, to ‘prep’ the camp for their arrival, and it was under these auspices that that I was asked to accompany Dennis the handyman and address a problem involving underground bees. The few sad horses we kept were stabled near the entrance to the camp, quite a hike from the lake, bunks and other out buildings and while he was repairing the winters damage to various fences, the boss noticed bees flying up out of the ground. Lots more folks are afraid of bees than of horses which strikes me as stupid, horses being so much bigger, but the boss did not think any children would venture out to the horses if bees were coming up out of the ground. As horseback riding was one of the things he charged extra for, there was no way the current state of affairs could be allowed to continue. (more...)

39 Comments

deal-or-no-deal-star-wars-style

Deal Or No Deal: Star Wars Style.

by Protoclown on 04/30/2008, 12:27 pm

Who cried more tears and did more cocaine in the dressing room?

RoG recently told me that there was going to be a Star Wars oriented "Deal or No Deal" episode coming up, and it looked absolutely cheesy as shit, so I Tivoed it, and I watched parts of it on fast forward for a laugh, but I'll be damned if I'm actually going to waste two hours of my life watching a shitty game show.

Apparently though they had Darth Vader as the evil banker, R2-D2, Chewbacca and Carrie Fisher as moral support, and a bunch of stormtroopers and models in "Slave Leia" outfits holding briefcases with numbers representing dollar amounts (but no actual dollar amounts). Did anybody actually see this thing? It looked absolutely wretched. Unfortunately I saw a couple of the lame Star Wars jokes they made and it made me wish that lightsabers were real so I could cut my own head off. (more...)

44 Comments

that-guy

“That guy”.

by Protoclown on 04/25/2008, 5:26 pm

Can you spot the douchebag in this picture?

Have you ever heard someone talk about "that guy" who goes to a concert wearing the t-shirt of the band he's there to see perform? Every time I've heard mention made of "that guy", people have spoken of him as a clueless tool, some kind of embarrassing social pariah who clearly just doesn't "get" it. (more...)

103 Comments

in-which-i-confess-a-terrible-secret

In Which I Confess A Terrible Secret.

by Max Burbank on 04/23/2008, 1:20 pm

Well, we know who's the pick of the litter
I hope this basket of puppies acts as a Red Herring!

Tonight, gentle reader, there will be tears in my house. I’d like to tell you they will be my daughters, as there’s nothing shameful in a twelve or eight year old girl crying over something on TV. I’m tempted to tell you my bride is destined to ride the boo-hoo caboose, and well she may without shame, the weeping of women being socially acceptable. But surely by now you know if I am ‘all about’ anything, I am ‘all about’ the truth. Yes, the women of my household may cry tonight, but before their tears reach the river Lachrymose, a boiling flood of extra salty man tears may join them. I could lie and tell you they were the tears of our border Lester, the wise and ancient Negro who lives in our attic, but sadly his tear ducts were long ago sold to laboratories for smack money. No, gentle reader, no. The man tears, if man tears there are, will be mine. (more...)

47 Comments

who-left-that-coupon-there

Who Left That Coupon There?

by -RoG- on 04/22/2008, 2:13 am

The Great Grocery Whodunnit

I'm sure you've all experienced this before, but it's one of those things that I never hear people talking about, so I'm bringing it up now. You go into a grocery store, and you find a lone coupon placed on top of one of the products you occasionally buy. It's not one of those in-store coupons that comes from the mechanical dispensers you find in some aisles, no siree... this is a bona-fide mailer coupon that was clipped out by somebody and left for one lucky individual to find. My question to you guys is simple: who is leaving these random coupons on the grocery shelves? (more...)

40 Comments

mallow-fries-candy-or-abomination

Mallow Fries: Candy Or Abomination?

by -RoG- on 04/18/2008, 12:09 am

Damnit! These just make me want real fries...

As I was wandering through my local CVS the other day, I noticed they had a new section of candies near all of their "get ready for summer!" crap. While the allure of new flip-flops and a rainbow-riddled beach towels would probably prove to be too strong for most people, my eyes were already locked on these marshmallow monstrosities. Kandy Kastle is a company that clearly knows how to bend marshmallows to their will. If they wanted marshmallows to take on the form of a fully functional German zeppelin, I'm pretty sure they could pull it off somehow. But since a life-sized marshmallow zeppelin won't fit on store shelves, they're going with fries instead. Let's take a closer look at their "Mallow Fries" and see what twisted fluffy secrets they contain, shall we? (more...)

46 Comments

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