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an-open-letter-to-hannah-montana-who-made-my-daughter-cry

An Open Letter to Hannah Montana, Who Made My Daughter Cry.

Poor Cordie...

Dear Ms. Montana…

Ms. Cyrus… Miley. My name is Max Burbank. I’m just a small-time comedy writer and proud father. Cordelia, my youngest daughter, is seven. This year for Christmas, Santa brought her a Hannah Montana doll, the Hannah Montana Backstage Closet, and a Hannah Montana FM radio microphone. Santa knows Cordelia loves you. I think Santa knows that Cordie isn’t just a fan. You inspire her. You make her want to reach for the stars, and believe that she can do that by embracing her essential self, being true to her heart and her friends. And Cordie’s not alone. All over the country, little girls look up to you not because you’ve done something they can’t, but because they see in you all they can become. (more...)

152 Comments

whats-with-the-super-bowl-anyway

What’s With The Super Bowl Anyway?

super duper!

So how many of you guys give a shit about the Super Bowl? I just can't bring myself to give a damn. As entertainment goes, it's far too boring to hold my interest, and the commercials that everyone else thinks are "hilarious" and "cute" only seem to "piss" me "off". Every time I see them all I can think of is how these companies are trying to manipulate me into buying their crappy products. And hey, there certainly are some cute and funny commercials out there, I'm sure, but that doesn't change the fact that whenever I see a commercial my field of vision is taken over by the red haze of pure rage, which makes it kind of hard to enjoy anything. (more...)

57 Comments

quesada-on-colbert

Quesada On Colbert

I hardly ever feel compelled to write about comics, but when I do, let me tell you, I enjoy it. I don't read that many myself, but occasionally, I'll find something remarkable that even a comic neophyte like me can latch onto. That something came a few nights ago on The Colbert Report.

As fans of the show may know, Steve Rogers, aka Captain America (may he rest in peace) bequeathed his symbolic shield to Stephen after he was killed in an ill-conceived storyline by Marvel Comics. Well Marvel Editor in Chief Joe Quesada has good news, kind of: Captain America is coming back! Well, let me be more specific: the superhero Captain America is coming back, but the guy who portrayed him is still dead. Instead, the role of Cap will be played by his old sidekick-turn-villain, Bucky "Winter Soldier" Barnes. I guess it's better than having the Punisher as the new Captain America. (more...)

39 Comments

in-which-i-reveal-my-failed-pornographers-past

In Which I Reveal My Failed Pornographers Past

A 'Brand Max Burbank' Comic

Gentle reader, a confession.

A few years ago, for about eight months, I drew a comic strip for Hustler magazine. It was called ‘Angry Darcy’ and featured a caustic young woman talking about things and people that made her mad. At no time did she remove her clothes, frolic in a garage with another woman and/or man dressed as an auto mechanic or insert a single foreign object into any part of her body. This could explain why I was eventually fired, but management never asked me to make the comic any dirtier. In fact they didn’t ask me much at all. Editorial feedback was limited. They asked that all words be of a uniform font and size. In my original submission, font size varied according to how loudly or quietly Darcy was speaking. Once they asked that I remove a joke they either didn’t think their readers would get or didn’t find funny. (more...)

21 Comments

back-in-town-plus-a-few-odd-phenomenons-i-experienced-in-my-recent-travels

Back In Town, Plus A Few Odd Phenomenons I Experienced In My Recent Travels.

Where's Waldo?

We're back from our trip to San Francisco and Re's art show went really well. Despite San Fran being in a rain-until-you're-underwater constant state of weather while we were there, there was a huge turnout at the show with people lined up around the building and there was barely even room to walk around in the place. I also mentioned that, in addition to the artwork, there would be a few breakdancing crews performing that night. Sure enough, they were tearin' up the floor, and as entertaining as the skilled dancers were, it simply couldn't compare to the audience members who set up their own breakdancing circle later on in the evening. Nothing like watching a completely plastered lanky dude stumbling around in the middle of the dance floor while grabbing his nipples at random intervals. Maybe it wasn't breakdancing... maybe it was his own form of a raindance, and if so, it was clearly working. (more...)

28 Comments

in-which-my-%e2%80%98temperament%e2%80%99-is-%e2%80%98analyzed%e2%80%99

In Which my ‘Temperament’ is ‘Analyzed’

Who you lookin' at?

Gentle reader, it’s possible you have noticed something of an ‘edge’ in my writing recently. I’d like to assure you it has nothing to do with you, but we can’t always do what we like, if ever. Honestly, it has very little to do with the real you, whom I know nothing of. It’s more based on an educated guess about what a person who regularly reads my work with some pleasure would be like, which is to say, not very pleasant. In addition, I suffered a rather epic careen down the stairs this Christmas eve, accompanied by a vacuum cleaner I had been carrying at the time. The resulting insult to my physical person has been characterized by what my medical team calls ‘a nasty sprain’. I can only hope the lawsuit I am preparing for them is so blisteringly appalling that they are reduced to tiny piles of ash when further consultations reveal the actual source of my continuing agony: Ankle Cancer. (more...)

20 Comments

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