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the-ultimate-halloween-bubble-light

The Ultimate Halloween Bubble Light!

by -RoG- on 09/11/2007, 3:49 am

So today I want to talk to you a little bit about bubble lights. Why? Because I recently went to one of my favorite shops in L.A., La Luz de Jesus, which has some of the greatest books, art and novelty items you'll find anywhere in the country. While walking through the store, I noticed what can only be described as the Ultimate Halloween Bubble Light plugged into one of the walls. I immediately asked the cashier if they sold them, and sure enough, they did. Now, I like a good set of vintage Christmas tree bubble lights as much as the next guy, but this Halloween one truly takes the cake. Feast your eyes on this beauty:

The Ultimate Halloween Bubble Light! It's watching you...

Almost makes you want to shed a tear doesn't it? Even the glitter inside it is black and gold in some bright orange water. Absolute bubbly perfection. I was real happy with how that pic turned out, so here's a large still photograph of it for any of you who want a nice wallpaper image for your desktop. Oh bubble lights... can you do no wrong?

Actually, apparently they can because, with this badass bubbler, comes a set of "important safety instructions for bubble lights." And like any product, the only reason such precautions are included with them to begin with, is because at some point in time a bonehead made the mistake of nearly killing himself with it. Some of the warnings include:

-If vial breaks, do not swallow liquid. If swallowed, call your local poison control hotline.

-If liquid gets into eyes, flush thoroughly with water and contact your local poison control hotline.

Can you imagine just how a phone call like that to your local poison control hotline would go?

Operator: "Poison control hotline, how may I help you?"
Bonehead: "My bubble light broke!"
Operator: "Ok sir, but what does that have to do with you being poisoned?"
Bonehead: "I... I couldn't help myself! I had to drink it!"
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but we didn't cover 'bubble light poisoning' in our training sessions. Can you tell me what it says on the box for this bubble light?"
Bonehead: "No!"
Operator: "Why not?"
Bonehead: "Because I had to pour the rest into my eyes and now I'm blind too!"

You know, come to think of it, I'd love it if somebody who worked at a poison control center would release a CD of their most insane phone calls. Oh the stories I bet they could tell...

Anyway, I hope you're all enjoying our annual "Two Months Of Halloween" here on I-Mockery so far. We're really scouring the earth to bring you some extremely spiffy Halloween coverage this season. It puts a smile on my face seeing all the stores slowly become Halloweenified while we've already been covering Halloween all month long. Over the weekend, I saw the first one of those "Spirit" seasonal Halloween shops pop up in Burbank, but their selection was pretty bad. Maybe it's just because it was still early September, but the stuff they had in the shop just didn't compare to previous years. Even more odd was a huge section in the center of the store that they were using to sell framed poster prints. No, not Halloween poster prints, but random "oldies" posters ranging from photos of Marilyn Monroe to James Dean. It just didn't feel right. Fortunately, there are plenty of other stores in the area that are already doing Halloween the justice it deserves. Why, just the other day I picked up one of the most hilariously cheap Halloween gems you'll ever lay your eyes on... but you'll find out all about that later this week.

So what fun Halloween stuff have you guys seen in your towns so far? Anything I should know about? As always, feel free to make suggestions for anything else you'd like us to cover on the site this Halloween season!

p.s.: I hope you've been collecting all of Max's "Scary-Ass Cards: Series II" so far because there are plenty more to come! More Halloween contests coming soon too!

22 Comments

my-thoughts-on-rob-zombies-halloween

My thoughts on Rob Zombie’s “Halloween”

by -RoG- on 09/03/2007, 1:36 am

Halloween season on I-Mockery has officially begun! We'll be packing this site so full o' Halloweeny goodness over the next two months that you'll be puking up zombies and crapping ghosts before you know what hit ya. So how do I want to kick things off in the blog for my favorite time of year? By reviewing the "reimagining" of one of the truly great classics in horror movie history: Halloween.

Allow me to preface this post by saying some things about Rob Zombie's previous work. I really loved a lot of his old music videos and remember being excited when it was announced that he would be writing and directing his first feature horror film. Sadly, House of 1000 Corpses was a big letdown for me. I didn't like much at all about it, and almost walked out of the theater because it was boring me to tears. The Devil's Rejects, however, I thought was a huge step in the right direction and was one of the most entertaining films I had seen in a while at the time. Everything about that movie was great from the improved directing to the well-written script. And hey, it did have Michael Berryman in it too, and that never hurts a horror movie in my book.

So I was on the fence when it came to this new Halloween remake, figuring it had a chance to bring the series back to life (after all, we're talking about a series that recently had Michael Myers stalking Bustah Rhymes during a reality show webcast... doesn't get much worse than that), but it could also continue the trend of awfulness. Either way, I went to check out the new movie with an open mind.

With that out of the way, allow me to share my thoughts on Rob Zombie's "Halloween". I'm sure a good bunch of you won't like what I have to say, but I'm not here to kiss ass, I'm here to tell ya my honest thoughts about this flick. If you haven't seen the movie yet, please know that there are some potential spoilers below.

Evil has a destiny... to fail at the box office and in the hearts of any true horror fan.

Wow. Please tell me this was all an elaborate joke on horror fans. How the hell did this ever get greenlit? This wasn't a reimagining of the original Halloween story, this was a raping of it. Rob Zombie has somehow managed to take one of the most infamously evil horror icons and turn him into a Kane-sized ogre who had a bad childhood. Now I had already mentioned that I had some serious doubts about trying to tell the backstory of Michael Myers because it simply wasn't necessary. Michael's backstory was perfect the way it was in the original when Dr. Loomis explained: "I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the *devil’s* eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply... evil!" Perfection. All we ever see of Michael Myers as a child in the original is through the eye holes in his mask as he kills his first victim. Then we get that perfectly eerie slow zooming out shot of him standing outside with the bloody knife and a blank stare.

In Rob Zombie's version, we get far more information than that. Instead of Michael just being born of pure evil, Rob has completely fucked up the story by having Michael's evil come as more of a reaction to the household he grew up in. An abusive stepfather who was always insulting him and fighting with his mom, who was of course, a stripper. You can just tell that Rob thought that by adding in a mean stepdad who threw around profanities like they were confetti from the hands of Rip Taylor, that he was making the movie far more shocking. Wrong. The only shocking thing about it was how bad the script was. So as a result of living in such a nerve-racking household, Michael spends his time killing small animals for a while to let out his rage. RAGE! Eventually, he's ready to start killing real people... but instead of making it creepy, Rob just has this kid act out his methodical killings as brutally as he possibly can. Honestly, I thought Macaulay Culkin was more frightening in "The Good Son" than young Michael here... and that movie sucked. I'm a huge fan of blood and gore, as you all know, but that is not what the original Halloween was about nor is that what made it such a classic.

Oh and forget about that creepy zoom-out shot in Rob's version... but hey, we do get to see Michael sulking on the sidewalk while the song "Love Hurts" plays. I shit you not. I'm sure he thought it would be really funny or creative scene, but this isn't like that perfect moment in The Devil's Rejects when they drive towards the cops, guns a' blazin' to the tune of "Freebird". No not at all... this was just pure shit and felt way out of place.

Even worse than that, Rob decided that we all needed to know why Michael Myers wears that mask. Well not just that mask, but apparently a ton of masks. Throughout his childhood, Michael spends his time making a variety of masks to cover up his face. And his reason for doing this? "To hide my ugliness." Well hellooooooooo Gothy McMyers. Nice to meet you. Here, have a box of tissues. Seriously though, why did he feel this was necessary!?

I also hated the new Michael Myers as an adult. Does he really need to be a 7 foot tall behemoth? No, of course not. Rob just doesn't get that one of the coolest things about the old Michael Myers was that while he was of average height and didn't have big muscles or anything, he was still able to overpower anybody because of some evil super-strength he had within. Rob's Michael Myers appears to not have any internal evil powers, but instead relies on the same brute strength that any extremely tall big guy with a temper would have. Again, this really detracts from the infamous Michael Myers persona. It also doesn't help that you can hear him grunting like a perverted old man sometimes when he's manhandling his victims. Michael Myers is a silent evil... I didn't need to hear him talking as a kid and I didn't need to hear his man-grunts.

I also didn't like some of the choices Rob made for who would be playing certain characters. Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Malcolm McDowell and think he's a badass, but he just didn't do much for the role of Dr. Samuel Loomis that the late Donald Pleasance acted out so perfectly. Pleasance was greatly responsible for making Michael seem all the more evil... you could just tell how weary he was from all the years of trying to get through to him and how responsible he felt for Michael. In Rob's version, McDowell just seems more surprised and panicky throughout the film with far less emotion invested in his ex-patient. Then again, when you consider the script he had to work with, that probably explains a lot. The other person I didn't need to see again was Sheri Moon. Look Rob, I know she's your wife 'n all, but you don't need to put her in every single thing you do. But if you must, at the very least, don't give her such prominent roles like the mother of Michael Myers. It's not going to help her career when most people think the only reason she has one is because she's married to you. Oh, and you also don't have to have her shaking her ass on the goddamned screen in every movie either. Lemme tell ya, that ass-shakin' really helped me understand the rage within young Michael Myers.

And speaking of ass, that's probably the most fitting word I can think of to describe the ending of this movie. After literally giving the girl a football tackle out of a window, she somehow lands on top of him, grabs a gun and presumably shoots him in the face. I say presumably because they don't actually show it, they just show her point the gun, squeeze the trigger and then get splattered with blood while we have to endure more of her annoying screams. Then it simply cuts to a black screen and we're all left sitting in our chairs wondering... WHY?

Wanna know what truly shows how bad this movie was though? Not a SINGLE moment in the movie made me (or anybody else in the theater for that matter) jump in the slightest bit. Many of them were laughing at how bad and cheesy it was throughout the film. When the credits rolled, a few people clapped while many people booed. Now I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "Oh he just grew up on those movies, so that's why he hates this one so much." No, that's really not the case here at all. There have been quite a few remakes that I thought were handled really well - "Dawn of the Dead" for example. As much as I wanted to enjoy it, this new Halloween movie just didn't have anything going for it. If you're looking for the real "Halloween" experience, then stick with the original. If you're looking to substitute the ominous Michael Myers persona with far more noise and T&A, then go with Rob Zombie's version.

But just to show you that it wasn't my nostalgia getting the better of me, most of the people in the crowd that were booing at the end? Yeah... they were teenagers. Teenagers who I assume were the real demographic Zombie was hoping to please, and while I'm sure there are some out there who absolutely loved this movie, I was glad to see that many of them recognized the fact that they just watched pure-unfiltered shit.

There were only two good points I could come up with regarding this movie:

1) Micky Dolenz' (from The Monkees) brief cameo as a gun salesman. I really wanted to see this scene go on longer, and I suspect there is more footage out there that will be saved for the DVD release (including the alternate ending), but I'll be damned if I'm gonna buy it because nothing can save this flick.

2) Michael Myers' mask looks much better than it has in quite a while. I'm sure Captain Kirk would approve.

As nice of a guy as he seems to be and as big of a horror fan as he is, Rob Zombie has completely failed to "get" what made Halloween so great. It was the enigma that was Michael Myers. Very little about him was explained, he simply was evil through and through. This made his undying rage seem all the more potent and real. Zombie screwed it up by giving too many reasons for his anger... a troubled childhood and an emo outlook on his life.

One critic wrote the following about Rob Zombie's new "Halloween" movie and I think he summed it up best: "John Carpenter can rest easy; any self-respecting horror fan will forget this film even exists by the time the real Halloween rolls around this year."

So for those of you who have seen it already, what'd you think?

72 Comments

Cocoa Krispies Cereal Straws, 7-Eleven Hot Dog Lighters and a Zombie Walk!

by -RoG- on 08/24/2007, 11:28 pm

We're finally getting settled into our new place here in West Hollywood and I'm catching up on a bajillion emails at the moment... not to mention unpacking tons o' boxes too. I'm already liking it here much more, so all is going well with that business. But today I have other business to discuss with you... the business of straws.

Cereal Straws... they're strAWESOME!

Not too long ago, breakfast food companies decided that eating a bowl of cereal was too time consuming for the average joe with a busy schedule. As a result, you now have all sorts of "on-the-go" breakfast options such as cereal bars, pop tarts and more. New to the speedy breakfast club are Kellogg's Cereal Straws. Simply dip 'em in a carton of milk, take a sip and then chow down on your straw. So far I've seen Froot Loops and Cocoa Krispies flavored straws... I chose to try out the later.

Hey! Who put out their cigar in my milk!?
"At home or on-the-go, they're strAWESOME!"

In all honesty, they're not bad at all, but I almost prefer eating them dry as they tend to get soggy real fast. On top of that, sipping the milk up through the straws is weird because they're way thicker than regular straws and obviously more porous. Imagine drinking milk through a cigar (minus the tobacco flavor) and that's pretty much what it feels like. I can't help but think that they're gonna fall apart on me while I'm taking a sip and all of a sudden there will be milk all over the place. Fortunately, the straws are lined on the inside with an extra layer of chocolate, so I guess that helps prevent the milk from seeping through. I was also hoping that the milk would taste like chocolate milk when drinking it through the straw, but it was just like regular ol' milk. The serving size is 3 straws, but that's nowhere near as filling as a bowl of cereal if you ask me. So yeah, while it's definitely something you should try out at least once, it's not a breakfast replacement by any means. At the very least, they do serve as a pretty good snack.

So what cereal brands would you like to see in straw format? I could see Frosted Flakes possibly being good, but I doubt any of the marshmallow cereals would ever work as straws... unless they somehow lined the straw innards with marshmallows? Mmmm, Boo Berry straws.

In other food related news, while it was sad watching the Kwik-E-Mart signs return to their former 7-Eleven selves, I do have some other good news from everybody's favorite convenience store. Feast your eyes on this:

Take a Big Bite out of this spicy number and you'll need a burn unit to treat your tongue.

Yes my friends, your eyes do not deceive you... 7-Eleven is now selling hot dog shaped lighters to help promote their "Big Bite" dogs. I've you've ever wanted the joy of possessing a flaming wiener without the agony of contracting a STD, then this the item for you! Simply pull down on one side of the bun while pushing up on the other and a mighty flame will burst from the tip of your hot dog. I don't even smoke but I had to buy this thing... it's easily the best lighter I've seen in ages. And yes, it is refillable, so no need to worry about it becoming useless once the lighter fluid runs out. Tell me the flaming wiener doesn't absolutely rule.

Last but not least, I've been asked to organize a Zombie Walk here in Los Angeles next week, so if you live in the area, drop me an email if you'd like to be a part of it! But it's not a normal walk, this one is gonna be on an episode of CSI: NY! I'll share more details on it later, but to say the least, this is gonna be one hell of a cool way to kick off I-Mockery's 2007 Halloween season! Hope you guys are ready for 2 full months of monster mocking madness, because you won't find any other place on the web that completely immerses itself in all things Halloween quite like we do! As always, if you guys have some Halloweeny stuff you'd like us to cover this season, just drop me an email and I'll keep it in mind.

28 Comments

Onward to West Hollywood we go! Plus, Circus Liquor!

by -RoG- on 08/15/2007, 9:24 am

So our move to West Hollywood is finally coming up this Thursday and I can't wait to be done with it. As nice as it's going to be living in this new place, if I have to pack up another cardboard box with stuff I haven't seen in the past year, my head just might explode. Then again, they say you if you haven't seen something in over a year, you don't need to hang on to it any more. Well guess what... "they" don't know what they're talking about because "they" aren't pack rats who eventually find uses for stuff they've been holding onto for years like I do.

Speaking of boxes, since we needed so many, we decided there was only one place we could go: Box City!

Where do you go for all your box needs? BOX CITY!

Much like Spatula City in Weird Al's "UHF", this place sells only one thing: boxes. Lots and lots of boxes. Their claim to fame is that you can get "Over 2000 Sizes" of boxes. I can't say I saw quite that many varieties there, but when you're boasting big numbers like that, you generally don't worry about whether anybody else is keeping count. Who's to question whether McDonald's has really sold over 20 billion burgers? We just have to take their word for it. Regardless, Box City definitely had a lot o' moving boxes to choose from and they were far cheaper than the ones for sale at the UPS store or the local grocery store.

Along with packing up the house, there is the inevitable "shit we simply must get rid of" phase. Most of it is stuff that isn't hard to let go of... outdated computer parts from years ago that I still have for some reason, expired "mystery foods" wrapped in tinfoil, dead batteries, t-shirts with dozens of holes in them, etc. etc. Still, there are some larger things going this time. The refrigerator we no longer need because the new place comes with one. I'm not gonna miss it really, it's just a fridge after all, but that's still one more thing I need to take care of before we're done moving out. The thing that is gonna be hard to let go of is our couch:

THE Couch. It will swallow your soul and ask for second servings.

Also known as "THE Couch" amongst our friends, it's a couch that I've had forever and as a result it's insanely broken in. Probably moreso than any other couch in existence. People don't sit on this couch... they sink into this couch. It doesn't just swallow their loose change, it swallows their bodies. I've always thought it was comfortable as hell as do many others, but there are some friends o' mine (especially Protoclown) who hate it with a passion because they find it difficult to get out of. I wouldn't be surprised if a few of my friends who I lost touch with years ago are actually stuck somewhere in the depths of this couch.

Whatever the case, it's really old 'n dirty with broken shards of wood sticking out the back, so even I have to admit that it's time for a new one. Fortunately, we found a badass couch for the new apartment that will be delivered in a few weeks. It's extremely comfortable and we got to choose the color of the fabric too. We went with "GUACAMOLE!" I think it's gonna look great, and if nothing else, it sounds a hell of a lot better than some of the other names such as "CELERY", "FIG", "SEA BREEZE" and "FRECKLE RAVEN". I'll post some pics of the new couch when it arrives, along with pics of our new place once we have it all set up. But before that, I must say goodbye to THE Couch...

Goodbye old friend. You've been with us for many years, surviving countless moves and all the abuse our collective asses could deliver. You've been a place that was often more comfortable to sleep on than most beds. You've left people gaping in awe over your ridiculous level of cushiness. Most importantly, you never gave out on us. Goodbye old friend, you've earned your rest. Enjoy your retirement up in couch heaven.

On a final note, I have to tell you all about a fantastic place we stopped by the other week: Circus Liquor!

CLOWNS HIT THE SAUCE TOO

I may not drink, but I can still appreciate an insanely awesome liquor store sign when I see one. And honestly, nothing tops this place. Not only do they have an extremely sinister looking clown promoting their liquor, but the inside is a hell of a sight too. Sure, there's plenty of booze in the store, but they also have giant strips of beef jerky that appear to have tire treads on them. They have a generous supply of porn and make no effort to cover it up. They even had cans of "Cocaine" energy drink, which as you may or may not know, was pulled from store shelves as a result of the FDA's decision that the drink was "illegally marketing their drink as an alternative to street drugs". People can't even sell full cans of the stuff on eBay anymore, only empty ones. That's right people of the U.S.A., you can't name your products anything you want. Take that, freedom of speech! Still, Circus Liquor and their evil clown are more than happy to give the finger to the FDA along with anybody else who would dare tell them how to run their liquor store.

In the end, I left the shop with a big smile on my face. I skipped the booze, beef jerky and porn, but purchased a bright green Circus Liquor clown t-shirt and some cans of Cocaine energy drink. Thank you, Circus Liquor clown... thank you. My life is now one step closer to being complete.

Survey: Name something that you had a hard time getting rid of and why it was so hard to let go.

Survey #2: What are some other establishments and/or products that use creepy looking clowns in their logo?

30 Comments

Where art thou, I-Mockery?

by -RoG- on 08/02/2007, 5:11 pm

Ahoy there.

Sorry there haven't been any updates to I-Mockery over the past week, between the 2007 San Diego Comic-Con and Protoclown visiting me here in L.A., I've been far too busy to update the site. Re and I are also moving into a new place this month, so that's also keeping me preoccupied a' plenty.

That being said, I'm working on putting together my annual photo gallery from this year's Comic-Con. We took 800 some odd photos, and I'm sure a lot of them will make it onto the site, so once again, you can expect us to have the biggest coverage of the convention anywhere online. It's just gonna be a lil' bit late this time around.

I'll have plenty more news to share in the near future, but I've got a ton of emails to catch up on and even more photos to weed through, so I gotta get back to work now. So until that big Comic-Con piece is ready, let's have another discussion in the ol' blog...

Survey: What have you been doing for fun this summer? Gone on any spiffy trips? Seen any good shows? Flagged down the ice cream truck driver only to be crushed by disappointment when he informed you that he was out of bomb pops? Spill da' beans!

Update: I almost forgot to mention that The Monster Squad has finally come out on DVD! If you don't know what this movie is about, make sure you read my big feature on it and I'm sure you'll want to own a copy of it immediately.

NARDS!
Wolfman's Got Nards!

39 Comments

We’re moving!

by -RoG- on 07/25/2007, 12:51 pm

Back to Virginia!

Haha, just kidding...

With our current lease expiring at the end of next month, Re and I wanted to get a new place. Our current apartment is in a real nice location but it's a long commute to work for her. Now anybody who's lived here or knows anybody who's lived here will tell you that finding an apartment in LA can be really hard. Not quite as hard as getting one in NYC, but it's right up there.

So we were looking for weeks with not much luck... places were either too expensive or they were in areas where we were likely to get stabbed if we went outside to get the mail. Fortunately, we stumbled onto a place in West Hollywood listed on Craigslist and quickly contacted the guy to arrange a viewing. We immediately liked what we saw. The place is on the top floor of the building, has hardwood floors and lots of sunlight (something our current place is lacking, if you ask me). What's extra cool about this place is that every unit in the building is a condo, so the various owners have customized the units to their liking. In our case, the person knocked down one of the walls and made a ridiculously huge walk in closet. You could practically much throw down a mattress in this thing and call it another room (Re, this does not mean you can fill it up with more shoes). The previous owner also installed Bose surround sound speakers in the walls and left them there, so that'll be pretty nifty once we get that hooked up with the TV 'n all. It supposedly comes with free basic cable too, but I'll believe that when I see it.

One of my favorite things is that the place has roof access where you can go up and get an amazing view of the city, sit in the lawn chairs and have a barbeque too. It's insanely cool at night to be up there. Perhaps a future location for a West Coast I-Mockery get-together? I've always had my eyes set on the Ground Kontrol arcade up in Portland for something like that, but who knows...

Anyway, the best thing about the place, though, is that it's one block away from where Re works. She can literally walk to work every day now instead of killing 2+ hours a day for a commute in the car. That's just something that does not happen in LA... everybody has some kind of a commute here, so we got really lucky. She'll have more time to work on her own art stuff after work and we can meet up for lunch all the time... or she can come home for it! That's gonna rock so hard. We can also sell off the 2nd car now... the old Honda Civic from '93 which is still running somehow even with the 180,000+ miles on it and having drove us across the entire friggin' country. That car has definitely earned its retirement.

So yeah, we're really excited about the new place and can't wait to be all moved in. I'll post some pics of it as soon as I have the chance. The landlord is really nice and even gave us our keys over a week in advance (our lease doesn't begin 'til August 1st) so we can move some of our smaller things in early. That's proved to be a huge help because the San Diego Comic-Con is coming up this week and we're going down there for a long weekend. Then after that, Jason (Protoclown) and Macon are coming to visit us for about 5 days. So yeah, it's gonna be one hell of a busy month between all of that and moving into the new place.

So whaddaya think, will we survive yet another move or will this be the one that finally drives us mad?

Survey #1: What's the worst experience you've ever had with moving into a new place. Share all the details of your horrific story whether it's dropping a box and breaking your valuables or the moving truck breaking down or what have you...

Survey #2: Who's going to the San Diego Comic-Con this weekend? I'll be covering the event with tons of photos just like I do every year, so keep your eyes peeled for me Friday through Sunday and I'll give ya some I-Mockery stickers 'n stuff. For those of you who can't attend, I'll do my best to get you plenty o' good photos. In the meantime, check our my photo galleries from previous years:

-I-MOCKERY'S BIG 2005 SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON PHOTO ALBUM!
-I-MOCKERY'S BIG 2006 SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON PHOTO ALBUM!

UPDATE (7/26): I should also note to anybody attending the San Diego Comic-Con that there will be a zombie walk starting at 6pm on Friday that will end up at the convention center! You can learn the details about it here. Also, I recently provided some background info on zombie walks for an article in the San Diego Union-Tribune. It's a cool article that covers a lot of info on zombie walks in general and they even give us a nice lil' plug. Check it out here.

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