After celebrating all things horror for so many years, it takes a lot to creep me out. I can wander through any Halloween horror maze without being startled at all, I can watch the scariest horror films without the slightest feeling of unease, but there's something about the stare of the model on the new Twix Halloween costume package that sends chills right down my spine. It's a piercing stare that you simply can't ignore. Every time I walk past it in a Halloween shop, I get a feeling that somebody just died... or somebody's about to. If those eyes could tell a story, it'd be one of murders so grisly, the police covered them up to shelter us from the knowledge that there's such a horrible monster living in our society. Let's see you try to "chew it over with Twix" now.
Sometimes that Twix girl, she looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about the Twix girl... she's got lifeless eyes. Blue eyes. Like a model's eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until she bites ya, and those blue eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The world turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', she comes in and she... rips you to pieces.
For those of you who've been looking for a flashlight with built-in horror sound effects, I'm happy to report your search is over, for I have discovered the Fright Light! Considering I'll review just about any product on earth if it's been modified for the Halloween season and I didn't already own a flashlight, purchasing the Fright Light made perfect sense to me. Sure, I could've gone with one of those giant Maglites that take thirty D-cell batteries so you can cave in somebody's skull with it, but I like to think a flashlight that makes cackling witch sounds will send an intruder running for the hills just as well.
Plus, the promotional text on the box is brilliantly crafted: "Can you imagine a flashlight that is actually a 'fright light' as well? We Did!" and "MARVEL at the Interactive Light Show!" Impeccable, right? With a pitch like that, you should be impressed that I exercised the self-restraint to not buy every last Fright Light the Halloween shop had in stock.
The Fright Light comes with eight built-in sound effects: thunder storm, creaking door, witch cackle, ghost moan, evil laugh, wolf howl, help cry and Jacob's Ladder. In my case, it's only seven sound effects, because when I push the "evil laugh" button, it plays the same sound as the "help cry". Boo. So, in addition to functioning as a normal flashlight, whenever you press one of the sound effect buttons, the flashlight will flicker synchronously with the sound being played. As an added bonus, they include three color filters (blue, yellow and red) so you can change how the light appears. I combined the yellow and blue to make my light shine green. Yes indeed, the knowledge I gained from those elementary level art classes has finally begun to pay off!
So how does the Fright Light perform? Well, you're in luck, because I filmed the thing in action... if you can handle the terror!
It seems as though vinyl toys have never been as popular as they are these days. More stationary pieces of art than toys, they're being sold just about everywhere you look, and a number of companies have been selling blank vinyl toys that you can customize yourself. Those of you looking for some new Halloween crafts to tackle this season will be pleased to know that Rose Art has just released two new Halloween edition versions of their Color Blanks figures. One is Frankenstein's Monster and the other is a Human Jack-O-Lantern, and they come with a few markers and various stickers to decorate their bodies with.
Naturally, I had to pick up both of them, but rather than torture your eyes with what mine would inevitably look like (hint: covered in far too many stickers), I called upon Re to lend her artistic talents to this urgent Halloween project. She got right to work and I'm pleased to unveil the results of her labor:
That's a hell of a lot nicer than anything I could have pulled off with the markers and stickers included with the Color Blanks. Now, you may be wondering why these two look like they're a bit embarrassed. Well, I believe a look at their posteriors will answer that question:
Yes, my friends... you come to I-Mockery for spooky Halloween stuff, and we continue to deliver year after year. This year, you've been given the gift of Monster Poop Chutes! Big thanks to Re for taking the time to come up with a great design for these figures. Be sure to check out her Strange Puppets site and maybe pick up one of the new nesting doll t-shirts she has for sale in her store!
Now here's something that's been going on for too many years at seasonal Halloween shops, and it's high time we get to the bottom of it. For some inexplicable reason, a variety of Halloween shops have a small section on their walls dedicated solely to action figures from The Matrix. The first time I saw them in a Halloween shop was about four years ago. I didn't think much of it at the time other than, "Huh, that's weird," and then continued looking at the rest of the Halloween goodies. But they're still out there. Now seeing them in more and more Halloween shops and I want... no... I need to know why.
Why are these places carrying Matrix figures? Costumes I can understand, but the figures have nothing to do with Halloween. Did the owners of all the Halloween shops pool their money together to buy out some huge factory surplus of old Matrix figures at a hell of a deal? Is there a secret society of Halloween Matrix fans that I'm unaware of? Did somebody tip these stores off that people who buy fine products such as Death's Head Terror and Toilet Monster would want to buy Matrix toys as well?
There is no spoon. There is no logic. I now leave it up to you fine people to help solve this mystery which has plagued my last four Halloween seasons. Discuss.
October has finally arrived once again! Feels good, doesn't it? It's the best time of the year to be alive, because 99% of what we're celebrating is dead and buried (and possibly crawling its way back to the surface in search of blood). I snapped the above photo at my local Party City today, and I think it perfectly encapsulates the spirit of the season. Nothing screams "Halloween" quite like a huge floor rack overflowing with bright orange trick-or-treat pumpkin pails.
I know we start celebrating Halloween here on I-Mockery on September 1st every year, and we've already had a ton of updates in the past month, but when October 1st rolls around, it's like a switch flips on in the back of my head that sends me into an even more excited frenzy. That certainly says a lot about this month considering I've done everything from eat the Green Lantern's balls to discovering the power of a sword that "will bring danger for them probably" over the past thirty days all in the name of Halloween.
I can't wait to unveil some of the articles I have in the works for this month, because a bunch of them cover things I've wanted to write about for years. I've also collected a TON of candies for my annual Halloween candy guide - many of which were kindly sent in by I-Mockery's readers - so you can expect to see that in the coming weeks. We're even planning on some more Halloweeny road trips! On top of all that, I'm happy to report that after a long hiatus and many requests, Count Pop will be returning for an all new pictorial this season!
And with all of this going on, I still need to figure out what the hell I'm going to dress up as for Halloween.
Well, just remember what oll Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' Halloween storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it."
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