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Bionic Bigfoot: The Incredible Drag Racing Sasquatch Beast.

by -RoG- on 09/07/2012, 11:26 am

So I found quite an amazing little gem of a monster toy at the Rose Bowl Flea Market not too long ago. I had been walking around in the blistering sun for a few hours and then I saw it: Bionic Bigfoot ready to burn rubber down the highway in his own special drag racing vehicle!

Bionic Bigfoot from the Six Million Dollar Man dual launch drag race set!

For those of you who aren't familiar with Bionic Bigfoot: The Sasquatch Beast, he was a character that appeared in a few episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man. More importantly, he was originally played by none other than Andre the Giant. In other words, Bionic Bigfoot is the greatest sasquatch in pop culture history. I'm sure you love Harry and the Hendersons 'n all, but as much as you may adore that flick, it didn't feature a bionic sasquatch... let alone one that was portrayed by Andre the Giant. That said, I certainly wouldn't mind seeing him in a buddy cop flick with Suburban Sasquatch. I'd call it Copsquatch. You can't tell me you wouldn't pay top dollar to see a monster movie like that.

In his first slow-motion, sound effects riddled encounter with Steve Austin, Bionic Bigfoot uproots a tree and pummels him with it. Then his arm gets ripped off and he still manages to jump over a lake. I can't jump over a lake with both arms. Bionic Bigfoot is better than me and he's better than you. This is a monster character who clearly should be brought up in conversation at least once per day during the Halloween season. It's your duty to figure out how to make this happen and then report back to me about how said conversation went down. Here's one example:

CVS Pharmacist: "Hello. Are you here to pick up a prescription?"
Me: "I'll say! I need some serious pain medication. I fell off my bike and now my entire body feels like it was pummeled by Bionic Bigfoot!"
CVS Pharmacist: "Bionic who?"
Me: "Bigfoot! You know, the huge beast from the Six Million Dollar Man show back in the seventies?"
CVS Pharmacist: "Sir, I'm 19 years old, have no idea what you're talking about, and my boss is getting mad at me because there's a long line of customers forming behind you."
Me: "Well let's get that line moving then... we wouldn't want your boss to go all Bionic Bigfoot on your ass!"

Make it happen, people.

Now I had been hoping to find a Bionic Bigfoot toy at a flea market for quite a while, so stumbling on this particular one (in such good condition no less) really made my day. If you're wondering why he's on that little drag racer, it's because he was originally part of a Six Million Dollar Man dual launch drag racing toy set. You would pump up Steve Austin's vehicle along with Bionic Bigfoot and then let 'em rip see who would win in a drag race to the death. My money's on the sasquatch. Always a safe bet. Besides, his ride appears to be powered by jet engines, so you know this monster beast is one hell of a mechanic. I'll take his ride over the DRAG-U-LA or the Munster Coach any day of the week.

Just the idea of a sasquatch in a drag race, especially a bionic one, is pretty amazing to me. I guess if you can't settle your differences by pummeling the Six Million Dollar Man with a tree, you can always challenge him to a drag race.

Bionic Bigfoot: The Sasquatch Beast from The Six Million Dollar Man

Ahh, the monster toys of yesteryear... so much right in so much wrong.

16 Comments

wanna-see-something-really-scary-i-mockerys-2012-halloween-season-has-officially-begun

Wanna See Something Really Scary? I-Mockery’s 2012 Halloween Season Has Officially Begun!

by -RoG- on 09/01/2012, 11:41 am

Greetings, ghouls 'n goblins! Welcome to I-Mockery's 2012 Halloween season!

Come to a Halloween party and have lots of fun, when witches ride brooms and pumpkin-heads run! When bats fly through the skies and monsters crave blood, when we watch cheesy horror movies including one called C.H.U.D. When vampires awaken and mummies crawl out from their tomb, when zombies eat brains to seal your doom. It's that time of the year when a lagoon creature rips out your spleen, yes my beloved ghouls... it's time for Halloween!

This is it. This is our time of the year. You know it and I know it. This is when life gets infinitely more awesome for a solid two months, because the world around us turns its focus onto jack-o-lanterns, horror movies, creepy crafts, haunted hayrides, spooky decorations, candy, and everything else that matters most.

September 1st marks the beginning of I-Mockery's annual "Two Months of Halloween" celebration. Everything you see on this site between now and October 31st will be related to all the Halloweeny horrors you could possibly desire. Just by reading this, you're already a part of our ever-growing Halloween family, so hang around and get ready to have some spooktacular discussions with your fellow fiendish freakozoids.

As you probably already know by now, we always pride ourselves on going crazier over this holiday than any other site ever has, so we've got all sorts o' bone-crunching goodies planned for the 2012 Halloween season here on I-Mockery. We'll have coverage of various haunted Halloween attractions, horrific novelties, my huge annual round-up of the best & worst Halloween candies, horror movie reviews, new videos, craft projects, toy features, contests, and all the other wonderfully random oddities we stumble upon over the next two months.

Still, if any of you have suggestions for Halloweeny things you'd like to see covered this season, please let me know here in the blog thread or shoot me an email. It doesn't matter if it's a Halloween event taking place in your area, a horror movie, an independent seasonal costume shop, some new candy, or some completely bizarro new Halloween novelty... I wanna see and hear all about it, so please get in touch!

To those of you who aren't well acquainted with our annual Halloween celebration here on I-Mockery, I always highly recommend checking out some of our main Halloween attractions. We have a huge reservoir of Halloween material on this site from previous years, so while you wait for our newest pieces to go up, I highly recommend checking out those older things to get in the spirit of the season.

-I-Mockery's Halloween Collection: Here you'll find quick 'n easy access to most of our Halloween material from the past. Extremely in-depth horror movie and candy reviews, product reviews, and of course the boppin' Halloween adventures of Count Pop himself along with other oddities.

-The Halloween Grab Bag: Much like our "Shorts" section, this is a place where you'll find our smaller Halloween articles, but often covering some of the weirdest stuff we've ever stumbled upon.

-The Greatest Horror Movie Moments: Another favorite is our ongoing quest to document some of the finest moments in horror movies. Sometimes they're moments you're well aware of, other times, it's stuff you probably never knew existed. Either way, if you're looking for some horror movies to check out this season, this is a great place to start.

-Trick-Or-Treat Adventure: Our largest Flash game to date... and it's all about Halloween. If you're a fan of classic adventure games such as Monkey Island and Space Quest, you'll feel right at home with this one as you go on an adventure to build a Halloween costume and then collect enough candies before you battle the ultimate evil! It even auto-saves your progress as you go play, so you don't have to beat the game all in one sitting.

-Haunted House Candy Hunt: In this Halloween flash game we pay tribute to the games of the Atari 2600 by creating an all new one in the same style. You must guide two buddies (who just so happen to be from a galaxy far, far away) through all the treacherous rooms of a spooky haunted house as they hold hands. Should you reach the end of the game, you'll have a showdown with the ultimate candy hoarder - The Grim Reaper himself! I've also heard from a reliable source (ie: myself) that there's a secret level select hidden somewhere in the game. But you don't need that anyway, right? Cheater!

-MonsterTime: With our most recent Halloween flash game, we pay tribute to the arcade classic BurgerTime. Only difference is, instead of building burgers, you're building classic monsters to save you from the modern slasher monsters who are in hot pursuit of you, Doc Mock!

-Doc Mock's Movie Mausoleum: Doc Mock, I-Mockery's official horror host, is still looking for a new home to shoot his show in, but we have over 30 archived episodes you can still watch online. If you're looking for a good cheesy b-movie flick, check out some of the Doc's episodes, including his Halloween specials from 2009! Doc is planning on hitting up Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights once again this year, so expect coverage of that too!

In addition to a ton of new feature articles, you can still expect our regular site updates to the Blog (don't forget the archived Halloween blog entries from years past). We've also got some great Halloween contests in store for you to participate in as well. I-Mockery's big 2012 Halloween season has finally begun and I hope you guys will stick around the entire time to join in all the fun!

17 Comments

halloween-2011-the-aftermath

Halloween 2011: The Aftermath.

by -RoG- on 11/03/2011, 4:07 am

Halloween 2011: Trick-Or-Treating is for grown-ups!

So Halloween has come and gone and I had another fantastic time celebrating my favorite day of the year by going out trick-or-treating with the chums you see pictured above. While I'm now recovering from the past two months of nonstop Halloween madness, and preparing to wrap up a certain huuuuge game whose titular character kinda rhymes with "Robohobo" (which sounds like an awesome sequel to Robocop, doesn't it?), I thought I'd share with you some photos from our October 31st trick-or-treating adventure. So continue after the jump to see all the pics for one last dose of Halloweeny goodness. (more...)

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happy-halloweeeeeeeeeen

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeen!

by -RoG- on 10/31/2011, 12:52 pm

Happy Halloween everybody! Thanks for hanging out with us so much over the past two months!

Monday be damned! Who cares if it's the start of the work week, for tonight we honor the dead by going to the homes of complete strangers and confiscating their sugary treats. And if you're not going trick-or-treating, that's perfectly fine... you can always your own personal Halloween party with an all-night horror movie marathon. Whatever rattles your bones.

As you can see above, Re and I already celebrated Halloween in style over the weekend; I dressed up as Skeletor and she made an awesome costume inspired by Dia de los Muertos. What was cool is that our colors ended up matching, so I just told everybody she was Skeletor's bride. I'm sure this comes as a shock to all of you, cuz after all these years I thought for sure Skeletor would've ended up with Evil-Lyn, but no... he dumped her for Re. Good choice, me thinks. Speaking of our outfits, I have to send another huge thank you to 80sTees for their support and for sending me the Skeletor costume. As you can see, it's pretty much the best Skeletor costume out there, and I'm sure I could walk into Snake Mountain and fool all of his minions into beliving I was the real deal. Well... Beast Man would fooled at the very least.

Audrey II thinks I make a pretty good Frankenstein's Monster!
(I was also Frankenstein's Monster. Audrey II approves.)

Over the past two months, we've covered a hell of a lot of Halloweeny material, and I hope you've all enjoyed every gruesome minute of it. Here's a recap of some of the highlights this season:

-We learned important lessons about Ernest Scared Stupid and Troll 2.

-We devoured loads of new Halloween candies.

-We learned never to take a cat on a yacht.

-We visited Monsterpalooza and Halloween Horror Nights.

-We rejoiced upon finding out that there is an official Halloween soda.

-We still never unraveled the secrets of Secret Ghostdom.

-We went on the worst Halloween boat ride ever.

-We decided it was best to never buy a cheap Freddy Krueger make-up kit.

-We gouged your eyes out with more greatest horror movie moments.

-We read up on the history of Splatterhouse.

-We splattered your walls with our new Halloween pixel posters.

-We drooled over a coffin full of donuts.

-We laughed at what some people try to pass off as sexy Halloween costumes.

-We witnessed the madness that was the 1987 Joe Piscopo Halloween Party.

This is my absolute favorite time of the year and it always makes me smile to know that so many of you have made I-Mockery your online Halloween home. I really try to give you guys the best and widest variety of Halloween coverage you'll find anywhere online every season - from visiting haunts and reviewing movies, to taste testing candies and tracking down the most absurd novelties and more, I always aim to give you every spooky lil' thing I can get my bony hands on. I'll do my best to keep that tradition going strong.

I'll have some post-Halloween photos and videos to put up on I-Mockery soon too, so don't go anywhere. Once more, I must thank Dr. Boogie and Protoclown for their awesome contributions to our Halloween celebration. Also, a huge thanks to Re for uploading all the Halloween content to the site while I was on tour around the country in September.

Of course, a huge thanks again to you for sticking with us during our annual "Two Months of Halloween" celebration. It's a lot of work to put all this content together, but it's a lot of fun too, and your feedback definitely helps keep our macabre mojo flowing.

Oh, and in case you're wondering about what we're going to be doing once Halloween has passed... let's just say that there's a little project you may have heard of that we'll be putting the wraps on. Not sure what I'm talking about? Okay, how about I show you a special little jack-o-lantern as a hint:

The Abobo jack-o-lantern! Happy Aboboween!

Oh yes, it is happening. It is happening very, very soon.

Please drop a comment (whether you're logged in or not) in our blog and let us know what you thought of the Halloween season and what your favorite articles were. Also, let us know what your Halloween plans are and feel free to post photos of your costumes if you're dressing up!

Thanks again everyone and Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

25 Comments

my-all-too-disappointing-journey-to-hell

My All-Too-Disappointing Journey To Hell.

by Protoclown on 10/29/2011, 3:04 am

Ever since seeing the documentary Hell House; I've been fascinated by the idea of religious-themed haunted mazes, and I've always wanted to go to one to learn the various ways I'm supposed to be suffering in Hell after I die. Unfortunately not many of my friends wanted to go because they didn't want to give their money to a church, but I eventually did manage to find two others who thought it would be as much of a laugh as I did. So off we went to the Journey Trails Haunt, in New Kent, Virginia, which is about thirty miles past bumfuck.

The description of the place made it sound like it had some serious potential for amusement--three attractions, a Heaven path, a Hell path, a museum of Biblical history and relics, and there was even a bonus called "The Last Ride", a coffin that was supposed to simulate the experience of being buried alive, but that was an additional $5.00. They even had THIS wonderful little gem in the FAQ on their website: "Oh! If you are prone to wetting or soiling yourself when you get scared (as many of our victims do), you may want to bring a change of undergarments too!" I just HAD to see what their idea of "so scary you'll shit your pants" was.

So my friends and I get there and we're immediately greeted by an eager man in a suit who is hanging around the coffin ride. We walk up to examine it, and discover that it's a coffin on hydraulics, and pretty much all it does is lift up and down and bump around a bit, and there's a voice that tells some kind of story to the person on the inside. A video monitor is set up outside so that people can watch the person inside on a night-vision cam and see their reactions. Since the ride wasn't very exciting, the reactions weren't particularly interesting to watch. So we decided to pass on this "experience" and move on to the main event. (Unfortunately they didn't allow cameras on the trails and all I had was my cell phone camera, so I was only able to snap a couple grainy pics).

There were three lines leading to each of the main attractions, and the line to Hell was by far the longest, so we opted to go to Heaven, then hit the museum, and save Hell for last. As we're waiting in line to get to Heaven, some teenage clowns who weren't nearly as creepy as they thought they were came out of the Heaven door and tried to frighten the waiting line. Yawn. Though I was a bit curious as to what these bizarre child-molester clowns (that seemed to me the angle they were going for) were doing in Heaven. We finally get inside, and discover that the pathway to Heaven is a tight maze through the woods, bordered by black plastic tarping and very, very dark. There were girls that popped out of nowhere and screamed at us at the top of their lungs, angry rednecks yelling us to get off their property, "creepy" clowns trying to freak us out, angry voices yelling at us and making loud noises from the darkness, and toward the end, people with chainsaws running at us. Basically a lot of the kind of thing that you'd see in a normal haunted maze, only not as good, and light on monsters. And this was supposed to be the Heaven trail?

We finally get a little over the halfway point and there's a quote from the Bible on a banner suspended between two trees, but it's so dark that it's hard to make out what it says. A short time later we come into what I called the "D&D Treasure Room", a small room with a treasure chest full of gold coins, a gold chalice, and other spoils from the dragon's horde. There's also a pleasant, smiling woman standing in the room facing some folding chairs, and she asks us to have a seat. She gives us the brief lecture about life and death, making choices, and gives us all a certificate that we survived the road to Heaven and we made it. And then we're booted back out into the main courtyard. Okay. Not exactly what I was expecting. Here's a pic of my treasure for completing the quest:

We then went into the museum, which was a very small room containing such Biblical artifacts as Samson's jawbone, the Pharaoh's staff, Gandalf's cloak, and more. At the end of the room there was a woman who had a baby constrictor snake that you could hold for a few moments if you wanted to. And that was really the only interesting part. So out the door and off we were to Hell! The line for Hell had all but vanished at this point, and we started to wonder if in fact those people were actually sent to Hell and they were never coming back.

But a moment later it didn't matter, as we were stepping into the giant serpent's mouth and on our way to Hell! Which was, as it turns out, pretty much exactly the same as the path to Heaven. Dark tight corridors bordered by black plastic tarping, teenagers with chainsaws, and so on. Not really thematically different at all, but this one was supposedly "MUCH" more terrifying. Halfway through we walk into a room and there's a man in a suit with dark hair slicked back, and he's got a table with a book on it. There are two doorways leading out of the room, one that leads into light, and one into darkness. He tells us that he can guarantee our safety if we sign the book and take the light path, and we will be out of the maze. If we choose the dark path it's going to make what we've been through so far look like "a kid's picnic". There were two other people in our tour group and they immediately said "Well, we're taking the Dark Path! See ya!" and off they went. I wanted to ask this guy if the light path really did lead out of the maze, because for the money I spent I wanted to get the whole experience, light and dark, but he wouldn't say. A moment later a voice called out over the wall "You guys coming or what?" and with that we turned and headed down...THE DARK PATH!

Which was pretty much more of the same. Again. Though there was an overly breathy werewolf who followed us at one point. And a large medieval man with a torture rack, so that was something at least. But for the most part Hell was pretty bland and disappointing. We get to the end and there's another room, with a vaguely (unintentionally) creepy man who asks us to form a semi-circle. Then he asks us with great interest which path we chose in the middle room. We all said the Dark Path, because we wanted to get our money's worth. He then tells us that man in that room was the Devil, and he was trying to trick us, and that both paths led to the exact same place. I'm not really sure what the lesson they were trying to impart on us there was, since there was no correct option. "Trust no one", I guess? Or perhaps "No matter what you do, you're fucked!" He also gave us a very brief pep talk about the choices we make in our life and how important they are. And then we go through one more tiny section of chainsaw people and exit out of a port-a-potty door. And that's it. The exit to hell is a port-a-john. Not terribly surprising, I guess.

I have to say I was rather disappointed. I was hoping for something like they had in Hell House, where they would try to teach us important and hilariously misguided life lessons, about homosexuals, abortion, drugs, the occult, and so on. But there was none of that. I wanted it to be highly offensive and completely out of touch with reality, but instead it was just kind of bland. They didn't even get that preachy with us at the end. They kept it brief and weren't pushy at all, so there was nothing I could even be mad at. I'm all about people believing what they want as long as they don't bother anyone else. And they were surprisingly (and disappointingly) low-key and cool about it. For $15 I wanted to be told how my support of the gays was going to lead to my being sodomized daily by a gorilla demon in Hell...and they just failed to deliver on that. There wasn't really even any kind of theme or point to the paths, or much of a difference at all between them. At the end they had a little survey you could fill out, and get a chance to win an extravagant feast (i.e. "combo meal") at Chick-Fil-A. Big spenders!

If you're in Virginia and you've heard of this and think it might be amusing, I'd advise against spending your money on it. It's really not worth it, and there are much better haunted trails you can spend your money on. So my quest for a ridiculous, over-the-top, preachy and offensive "Hell House" continues. If any of you have had any noteworthy or amusing experiences in one of these Hell Houses, please share your story in the comments! I'd love to hear about it!

13 Comments

krispy-kreme-halloween-donuts

Krispy Kreme Halloween Donuts!

by Protoclown on 10/27/2011, 2:56 am

In case you didn't know, Krispy Kreme Donuts is doing some special Halloween donuts to celebrate this spooky time of year, so I decided to go check them out. They offer three different Halloween donuts, which if you get in a dozen come in a large "Krispy Skremes" box decorated just for Halloween.

They have a pumpkin face donut, a spider web donut, and a donut with orange and black sprinkles. They also have a pumpkin spice donut which I also picked up, which isn't strictly part of the Halloween promotion, but it's a pumpkin donut, which means it's awesome so how could I not get that?

I wish I could tell you that these donuts had amazing Halloween flavors, that one tasted like corpses, or another oozed a red bloody filling (like Voodoo Doughnut) as you chomped its life away, but sadly these were pretty boring. The pumpkin face donut is just an icing on top of their standard glazed donut, and the orange and black sprinkles were just tossed on top of a plain donut. The spider web donut was filled with a super thick white goopy filling that didn't really taste particularly great, but at least that was something other than plain. Honestly the best donuts in this box were the pumpkin spice donuts that weren't even part of the promotion. But it's still pretty cool that Krispy Kreme is at least doing something different to celebrate the season.

If you happen to have a Krispy Kreme in your area you might as well check them out, but if you don't, you're not exactly missing anything spectacularly exciting. But "boring" or not, these are still donuts, and are thus totally worthy of being devoured.

13 Comments

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